My name is Ryliegh, and if y'all would be kind enough to hear my story then I'd like to ask for some help.
I'm almost 20 and as long as I can remember I've had "signs" of depression. I say this because my parents constantly claimed that I was not depressed just A. a teenager, B. selfish for attention, or C. immature. As you can see any symptoms I might have felt I've been bottling up and ignoring for the vast, VAST majority of my life.
I feel bottled up, ignored, spit on and shis on. When I was little Dad used to hit me when ever I would talk or yell and help me God if I dared to cry in front of him. Remember, boys don't cry. I got real used to leaving the room whenever I "felt" anything like an emotion welling up inside of me. "No one cares about your problems so just keep them inside." was my dads version of advise. I was taught that no one gave a shis about anyone else and that I would be moronic to assume any different. I felt like an outcast at home. like nothing was mine and would never be mine. I wasn't even mine. I was my parents'. I never had the chance for an choice or opinion so eventually I stopped having one. If I was told to sit, I sat. If I was told to stay, I stayed. You shoulda seen me roll over. If they wanted to do A, we did A, didn't matter what I thought.
Things got worse when my sister was born. Shes 4 years younger than me and shes just a thorn. The problem was that mom and dad figured out that the best way to punish someone is to take something away from someone, and give something better to someone else. On the day my parents took everything except my mattress and school materials out of my room (I got a 51% F on a report card), my sister received a new TV. One of the worst days of my life.
College was my salvation. I've been away from home for 2 years now and its only really been in that time frame that I realized how much I hate myself and those around me. Its a bad day when you wake up and all you want to do is pull your best friends teeth out because you feel hes just better than you in every way. And he is. I just want to smash everything my parents bought for me with a rock, I just want to yell and scream and I get into fights with everyone. Hell I let my friends wail on me occasionally. (Fun game kidney-shots...) And you know what I feking deserve every hit. I let my family treat me that way and I let it all effect me for 20 years. My high school career was lonely and angry for no good reason. I isolated myself from everyone because I thought everyone was a prick. When in truth I was the one being a prick because I was told everyone was a prick. See my dilemma? I was miserable for nearly 20 years because of some anomaly in my upbringing and my flawed personality! I don't know why I'm a screw up honestly.
My one shine of glory however is my ex. She's nuts. Hot as hell, but shes also bat-shis crazy. She was my first red flag that I need to really look over my life She was so paranoid about sex and relationships that she ruined(s) every relationship shes ever had. I still talk to her occasionally though.
I keep telling myself I need to see someone, talk to somebody but every time I try that little voice in the back of my head thats saposed to help me, ya know my conscious, keeps poking at me telling me they don't care cause no one does and they"ll laugh me out of the office. God I hate being a coward. Lately I can't stand the things I used to enjoy. All the shows and activities and pass times I used to find comfort in now aggravate me.
I guess what I want is advise. I don't really know where to go from here. I feel like the steps I've taken have made progress but I don't know what to do s a whole. I feel like a machine thats trying to fix itself without a manual.
Why do I feel this way. Like everything is messed up up and its all my fault? Should I go and confront my dad because we may get into a fight. I'm not an overly violent person but I'm tired of feeling so violently angry towards my self and my friends and family. I'm just tired of being told what to do and asking for help feels like the weak thing to do. Compare that to how weak I felt before...
My problem isn't as bad as some people. I read a topic on here that just brought tears to my eyes. I'm not as bad as some of those folks and that makes me feel bad that I'd waste y'alls time on my problems. But if any of y'all would mind helping in any way it would be much appreciated.
Ryliegh
Saving 