Depression ?

Hi i feel a bit weird having to turn to some advise but i think i have finally come to turms that something is wrong with me. This is my story... I never knew my dad i grew up without him i never reaaaaaly cared as i never knew him and he never really seened to care either. he was abusive to my mum in a grave way. my mum was young couldnt really take care of me so i was brought up with my grandparents who gave me everything, but still although i had everything i was an angry child, i always wanted to be loved more then anything but till this very day i can never seem to grasp it long when some get to close for some reason i get angry, and stared to hate them its as if i lure them in then throw them away. But still deep inside i want them to love me. I was never good enough for my mum i used to find myself constantly trying to impress, to be the best but nothing was good enough. they couldnt love me for me except my grandparent that what ever i did was never wrong for them. My grandmother was diabetic and was blind i saw her suffer but she was so strong for me still, the pain she went through her leg cut of her kidneys failing i saw it all. My grandfather betrayed me when she died and left me to fend for my self alone at 17 no idea of who the world worked, i got into drugs at that time just to forget, i got into the wrong crowed just becouse i felt i belonged. I could never live with my mum coz one we dont see eye to eye and two i was constantly being molested by her older boyfriend since i was 12.I look like your average happy go lucky girl always laughing always bubbly but as soon as anyone crosses my line i burst into either rage on just cry. My boyfriend hit me once he was just joking i went mad throwing things at him and threten him. he thought i was crazy. there will be days i hug up to him and love him. but then there will be more days i dont want him to touch me not even a finger on me i get angry i feel violated, disgusted even his kiss make me want to scream.i block allot of things out that i forget why i feel this way so much that i dont even remember sometimes i create my own illusions of a world i want like being a vampire i saw the film twilight and for the first time in my life i read all the books. now i never read but i read them all and watched the film 10 times i feel weird coz i have attached myself to an illusion of a world i will never have but this is not new since i was young i have always created these illusions and its the only time i feel whole i feel as if this world is not for me. i feel always consiouse of my body i feel im never good enough although ppl say im beautiful i feel they are making a mockery of me. I have so much more to say yet this is all i will say for now or it will never end. I would like to know you analysis of my condition if you may. Thank you