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Depression ?

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Hi i feel a bit weird having to turn to some advise but i think i have finally come to turms that something is wrong with me. This is my story... I never knew my dad i grew up without him i never reaaaaaly cared as i never knew him and he never really seened to care either. he was abusive to my mum in a grave way. my mum was young couldnt really take care of me so i was brought up with my grandparents who gave me everything, but still although i had everything i was an angry child, i always wanted to be loved more then anything but till this very day i can never seem to grasp it long when some get to close for some reason i get angry, and stared to hate them its as if i lure them in then throw them away. But still deep inside i want them to love me. I was never good enough for my mum i used to find myself constantly trying to impress, to be the best but nothing was good enough. they couldnt love me for me except my grandparent that what ever i did was never wrong for them. My grandmother was diabetic and was blind i saw her suffer but she was so strong for me still, the pain she went through her leg cut of her kidneys failing i saw it all. My grandfather betrayed me when she died and left me to fend for my self alone at 17 no idea of who the world worked, i got into drugs at that time just to forget, i got into the wrong crowed just becouse i felt i belonged. I could never live with my mum coz one we dont see eye to eye and two i was constantly being molested by her older boyfriend since i was 12.I look like your average happy go lucky girl always laughing always bubbly but as soon as anyone crosses my line i burst into either rage on just cry. My boyfriend hit me once he was just joking i went mad throwing things at him and threten him. he thought i was crazy. there will be days i hug up to him and love him. but then there will be more days i dont want him to touch me not even a finger on me i get angry i feel violated, disgusted even his kiss make me want to scream.i block allot of things out that i forget why i feel this way so much that i dont even remember sometimes i create my own illusions of a world i want like being a vampire i saw the film twilight and for the first time in my life i read all the books. now i never read but i read them all and watched the film 10 times i feel weird coz i have attached myself to an illusion of a world i will never have but this is not new since i was young i have always created these illusions and its the only time i feel whole i feel as if this world is not for me. i feel always consiouse of my body i feel im never good enough although ppl say im beautiful i feel they are making a mockery of me. I have so much more to say yet this is all i will say for now or it will never end. I would like to know you analysis of my condition if you may. Thank you
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replied September 24th, 2009
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being illusions is a way to escape from your problems or your life to a perfect world that you creat.
going into drugs is when the pain is too much to handel.
you need to belive in your self your streanth and face life. when you lost your grandmother she never choose to be blind died or sick it happend to her as any body els if it comes to us we wuold always choose to be healthy and live for ever.
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