am i?yes?no?i don't know.
im finding it hard to put down all this into words.
i have everything anyone could ask for. great family, tons of friends and im studying the course that i love.
so why am i still feeling down?
ive been feeling this way since i was 16. im 20 now.
i dont talk about my feelings to my parents or my best friends, although one of my best friend has notice some changes in myself. he had asked me about it (last year) but i just shrugged him off, saying things like, it just all in his head. im ok, i convinced myself, and him.
ive been writing in my journals for years. it does help a little. but when i got into an argument with anyone, everything that ive been trying to hide would burst out. but that would only happen when im alone, in my room.
recently, ive noticed that im finding it hard to concentrate on my study. usually i could do it 4-5 hours straight. now, i cant even managed to stay on course for 1 hour.
there were this one time when i got into an argument with my mum. she said something like, ' maybe u like it better if im not here (dead)'...it hurt me so much cause my family means everything to me. that resulted in me cutting myself on the arm. i feel that my body should suffer as much as my heart does. the scar still exists. people has asked me about it, i just tell them i got hurt while i was cleaning my room. i hate it that i had to lie to my dad about that.
once i tried to talk to one of my bro (im the only girl. i have 3 bros). but when i came up to him, i just stood there. i ended up borrowing his book, to cover up my failed attempt.i ran to my room, with tears rolling down my face.
this past weeks have made me thinking. do i need to talk to a psychiatrist?cause i dont want to talk to my friends or family. i dont think my problem is that big. they have other matters that are much more important than mine.
ive done several online test on depression before. and every single time the result would say, mild depression. am i suffering from one?
i dont feel this way continuously. sometimes i feel ok. sometimes i feel great. sometimes im not.
what should i do?
