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Q: Depression suicidal its relentless
asked by:
bentonfraser
on May 16th, 2009
New User
I guess I have know most of my life, especially my adult life, that I'm nothing and I would as would everyone around me be better off if I was just gone.
A little less than a year ago I started a new job. Not what I was trained for but a job is a job. Because of this job I met a woman (I worked with her) and developed a crush. I knew better. Anyway she is a very nice and attractive woman around my age. She also had issues of her own. I knew there was no possibility of us being any more than friends. Although I longed for more. From a teenager on I knew there was never going to be any possibility of me finding anyone special and I was destined to be alone.
Anyway because of this woman, I began to feel and want things again. A meaningful relationship. As I said I'm 37 and I have never even been on a date. Have not even held hands with a woman. And I have a better chance at winning the lottery than finding these things. Still live at home although there are reasons.
So this woman and I have become friends. She is my only friend and probably the closest one I have ever had. I tell her everything. But I think for her I'm only one of her aquantince friends. If I died tomorrow I doubt she would notice. At least not for a few months.
I just feel so worthless and alone. And I know that will continue until I am able to find someone. I also feel so ashamed at this age I have never, been on a date, never been physical with a woman, etc. I realize that the best years are behind me now and any chance of happiness is over. Just lately I have began to think that I should hire an escort, just to find out what perhaps having a girlfriend would be like ... Right after that I should carry out my plan and finish myself off. This, of course makes me feel even more ashamed, embarrassed, worthless.
Back in October I went in to a walk in clinic, one of the thousands without a regular doctor, and talked about my depression. After the constant urging of this woman I have mentioned. Anyway I guess this doctor is now my regular doctor. Mention that you think about suicide and all of a sudden I have a regular doctor. Through this doctor (she is very nice) I was sent to the Mental Health Emergency Response Clinic. They did an evaluation, twice now, and say I have OCD, Severe Depression, Social anxiety disorder and horrible self esteem. Eventually I got into a temporary treatment assessment group. Went three times before they decided it was not a good place for me. Truth is they did not want a suicidal person in the group. I was dragging the rest of the group down. Even though I was the only functional one there. Now I have seen a phyc nurse three times as well to tide me over until I get into another program. I have been seeing my GP every couple weeks to a month as well, just to make sure I'm safe as she said.
No one has been able to tell me why I should or deserve to be alive. All they give me is little mind tricks to try to distract me. I know I will never be happy. Not unless I am able to have a relationship, have real friends. Basically join the real world.
I don't know how to cope anymore. I'm in tears all the time. Even at work now. I have all the elements of my plan now. How much longer can I live like this? I know I'm not strong enough to hang on for another 5, 10, 20 years like this.
I need a reason, just for myself, to go on. Not that I would devistate my mother, etc.
Don't know why I said all this to complete strangers. I guess I'm just looking for something to grasp on to.
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Replies(37)
kymm
replied on May 16th, 2009
Experienced User
hang in there
This is truely heart breaking for me to read, so I thought I'd say something. Suicide is never a fix to anything at all. You say the woman may not even notice , at least for a few month's later. That is wrong, if she's the one that suggested you go to a doc. in the first place then that should show you she does care if only it's as a friend. i don't know about your past with family, doesn't really matter at the present, what matter's here is that you are having urge's to die and you have a plan already wrote out. My x shot himself in front of me and my daughter 2 year's ago. It was the most selfish, uncareing, unforgiving act's that he could of done. He suffered from severe depression, anxiety,and acholalism. There is help out there, if you didn't want help you wouldn't be going to the doc. and seeing mental health prefessionals. Everyone has a purpose in this life. Join a gym, go out, do somethng that will get you to mix with other's. I believe there is someone out there for every person, you may not have found that someone yet, but thinking about killing yourself isn't going to find that person. First you need to take care of yourself and get your life in order, then the other will sorta of fall in place. I'm not a love expert by any mean's, your story just touched me cause of the suicide thought's. You may think plp won't care or even know your gone, but that's not true.Plp will alway's want to know why you done it and there will never be closure for them, they will wonder if they could of done something to stop this.I hope this had helped you some, if you want you can pvp me anytime.
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Users who thank kymm for this post:
Fairy Godmother
abigwhitewall
mariah79
replied on May 16th, 2009
Supporter
hi
hi there sweetie don't feel down you are not the only one who suffers from depression and a sever one there are many people that suffers from it too specially now a days the anti depression medication is the most medication used by all patients. my point is that a lot of people feel as you do but they never give up hope they try to find help and take medications. you are smart and young you have your life a head of you. hard times come and go. this situation after treatment im saying the maximum dose which is 4 pills a day will decrease and also the anxiety. so it only a period of time till you feel better and normal. about the dating thing and women do you know that there are millions of guys whom above your age and are 40 and never touched a women before and they are more than happy ( most of them are religious either Jews, Muslims or Christians )because having a women in your life is not happiness or an endless joy no sometimes women are a pain in the ...... guys live for a purpose not to have a women to build earth help people enjoy life developing your country helping humans and other stuff ...but believe me one day you will find that special women who will love you and you will love her . a lot of guys find their love and then after a year they separated they never end up their life cause life goes on they continue their life and start all over again. im living with someone who has severe depression and i do know how you feel and how you cry sweetheart . i pray god to heal you and make you feel better . there are many ideas to start having friends and social life. honey you can start chatting with other people by the internet and talk about any other stuff. don't be a shame of yourself that you never dated a women . you should be proud of you self because to me i see you as a clean pure man who how doesn't play around do you know what does that mean it means you are precious you are unique you are hard to find every single women wish to have someone like you specially Muslims women imagine more that 10 million women in earth in all kind of color and shape wish to have someone like you. why would you be a shame of your self you didn't do any thing wrong . i was a virgin till i was 22 and im very proud of my self my 2 friends are virgin and they are 40 and 37 and they are very proud.
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Users who thank mariah79 for this post:
timeisshort
timeisshort
replied on May 17th, 2009
Experienced User
The miracle we are !
the Egg That we are only has one chance to be fertilized at any time, The ejaculated sperm only has one chance to fertilize the egg & it is up against millions of others that have the same destination.The chance that this one egg & one sperm that makes us, this being that thinks, has the good atributes that we have is amazing! what if it was the sperm next door, or the other egg, either occaision would render us non existant. We exist through the chance of way more than millions to 1, that has to be a miracle, we all are Miracles & we should be proud of it.! God made us with a purpose to be persistant & discover our reason for being here Some times we are subjected to hard times & some times it takes yrs or decades to work out our purpose but we all are here to aid someone else.
My Friend we who reply all love & apreciate you for having the courage to search & reach out to who ever will reach back WE, are here, for You!
I Pray for You Every day that You allow Jesus to take control & strenghten your faith & remove your pain & may you find happiness Through the Love that you recieve through Him & those around you !
God Bless You bentonfraser!
My Friend we who reply all love & apreciate you for having the courage to search & reach out to who ever will reach back WE, are here, for You!
I Pray for You Every day that You allow Jesus to take control & strenghten your faith & remove your pain & may you find happiness Through the Love that you recieve through Him & those around you !
God Bless You bentonfraser!
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Fairy Godmother
replied on May 17th, 2009
Supporter
Do you not enjoy reading or art? Do not have a hobby inwhich to sepnd time. If you have soemthing of interest, you could join a group of others who share your interest....then you'd learn to make friends. Your self esteem is shot slap out of the saddle. Only YOU can make yourself happy. You have a choice in this life to life it miserable or to live it happy. I've have walked/literally (ran) in your shoes. It took a lot of soul searching, buti discovered, I am someone, I can make a difference in someone elses life......YOU CAN TOO. Get out of this slump you allow yourself to be in and DO SOMETHING. VOlunteer at a senior center to read to people or just lend an ear. There are lots of places where they have no one to visit them. Or an Animal shelter needs volunteers.....they make you feel so needed and loved.....then you could ALWAYS come here.....I feel like I have a bazillion friends now. I've been here since 2003 and made some of hte most wonderful friends a Fairy Godmother could have! You are someone special...here we don't care about your age...you are a person, a friend God has sent to us who needs friends...its up to you! F*GM
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timeisshort
replied on May 18th, 2009
Experienced User
hi bentonfraser
im here to talk !
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Users who thank timeisshort for this post:
Fairy Godmother
bentonfraser
replied on May 21st, 2009
New User
Having a tough night.
Thank you all for your messages. I'm just having a tough time believing this is going to get any better.
I have lived with this sort of thing for a long time. The first time I remember thinking of suicide was when I was 13. Sometime during college I made my one and only real attempt. I'm ashamed that I did not have the nerve to complete it.
I just feel so alone and totally worthless. This woman I mention in my first post, is my only friend. I have not had more than a 2 minute conversation with her in the last month or two. I talk to my doctor more. Just not right. Tried again today. She was home since I could see she was online on Plenty of Fish and Facebook. Did not return my call or messages through facebook or POF. I've gone through this before if she finds a new person on POF or boyfriend I cease to exist. Now I don't mind her finding someone. After all I would like that too. But to be discarded for a complete stranger.
I am trying to occupy my time and keep my mind of this alone, worthless, no relationship thing. In February I joined the local Y. I go there a lot from 4 to 7 times a week depending on my schedule. Everyone tells me that this will help my depression and give me more self confidence. Every time I go there I am in tears. So much for feeling better. The only reason I keep going, besides trying to get slimmer just in case I do win the lottery, as I say, and find someone that could be interested in me. I know I'm not necessarily a good looking man but I can control the weight. From July 1st to Halloween I lost 50 pounds. Basically just by starving myself, a muffin and coffee a day sort of thing. Right now I'm down 65 pounds. Down to 165 from 230 at the start of this thing.
Getting a bit compulsive to. I weigh myself up to 20 or more times a day when I'm home. Trying to get back into things I used to enjoy. Finding no luck.
It is just so hard everyday. It takes so much effort to fight this. I can understand why people can't get out of bed when they're depressed. But when I'm in tears and it hurts so much I get restless. I just have to get up and do something. Sometimes I pace, fidget, even practice one of my plans. This is why I get to work 2 hours early. It takes so much effort to pull myself together and put up a front to go to work. And now I'm slipping there too. Can't stop the tears. I'm tired every day. Don't sleep and can't even with the sleeping pills 4-5 hours is all I can count on. Physically exhausted too.
I'm sorry I've gone on too long. Just needed to vent I guess. It's going to be a long, hard night.
I have lived with this sort of thing for a long time. The first time I remember thinking of suicide was when I was 13. Sometime during college I made my one and only real attempt. I'm ashamed that I did not have the nerve to complete it.
I just feel so alone and totally worthless. This woman I mention in my first post, is my only friend. I have not had more than a 2 minute conversation with her in the last month or two. I talk to my doctor more. Just not right. Tried again today. She was home since I could see she was online on Plenty of Fish and Facebook. Did not return my call or messages through facebook or POF. I've gone through this before if she finds a new person on POF or boyfriend I cease to exist. Now I don't mind her finding someone. After all I would like that too. But to be discarded for a complete stranger.
I am trying to occupy my time and keep my mind of this alone, worthless, no relationship thing. In February I joined the local Y. I go there a lot from 4 to 7 times a week depending on my schedule. Everyone tells me that this will help my depression and give me more self confidence. Every time I go there I am in tears. So much for feeling better. The only reason I keep going, besides trying to get slimmer just in case I do win the lottery, as I say, and find someone that could be interested in me. I know I'm not necessarily a good looking man but I can control the weight. From July 1st to Halloween I lost 50 pounds. Basically just by starving myself, a muffin and coffee a day sort of thing. Right now I'm down 65 pounds. Down to 165 from 230 at the start of this thing.
Getting a bit compulsive to. I weigh myself up to 20 or more times a day when I'm home. Trying to get back into things I used to enjoy. Finding no luck.
It is just so hard everyday. It takes so much effort to fight this. I can understand why people can't get out of bed when they're depressed. But when I'm in tears and it hurts so much I get restless. I just have to get up and do something. Sometimes I pace, fidget, even practice one of my plans. This is why I get to work 2 hours early. It takes so much effort to pull myself together and put up a front to go to work. And now I'm slipping there too. Can't stop the tears. I'm tired every day. Don't sleep and can't even with the sleeping pills 4-5 hours is all I can count on. Physically exhausted too.
I'm sorry I've gone on too long. Just needed to vent I guess. It's going to be a long, hard night.
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mariah79
replied on May 21st, 2009
Supporter
hi hun
hello good morning
are you on pills (anti depression) cause they help a lot. i have seen it in 2 peoples i know well when they had the same thing severe depression. they use to cry all the time and never goes out. and after doubling the dose i can’t believe how come they have changed. A lot better they are laughing enjoying their time. Honey when a person suffers from depression or any problem or pain it is a sign that god loves you . because when you suffer your sins disappears the more you suffer the pure you get . if you recall all the prophets life .most of their life was suffering people try to hurt them and kill them. they get depressed even though they are the best people in earth prophets of god. Everyone was against them they had no friends they were alone but after a while they made friends and some people start to believe them. They start standing on their feet again. Read about the life of those Nobel prophets. Like Abraham, Noah, Moses..... life is hard and people struggle to survive. Since we are born our moms struggle to give birth she nearly dies to give another life. Till we grow up we face difficulties study, get sick, social stress, work, so we can put some food on the table. But at the same time life is beautiful . beautiful nature , lovely views, nice peoples , different languages , lovely architect...you need to experience the beauty of nature and life.. go to the woods the water lovely view nice trips experience some beauty keep your mind busy with positive things. Everyone get depressed specially me sometimes i feel im worthless but im not. im here to take care of my old grandmother , my kids my sister and to help people in need. People whom can’t find something to eat, or shelter, water, or to adapt an orphanage after war. I work to help people and develop the community. In addition ,to get paid and donate for those in need. I admire your courage and your strength i love the fact that you do not give up to find a way to get rid of this depression. I love the way you try to go here and there doing something instead of doing nothing. In psychiatry there is a box with 4 champers. 1 is what you and other know about you . 2 is what you know and no one knows about you (secrets). 3 what others know and you don’t about yourself. 4 what neither you or others know about yourself. What we know about you and you don’t know about your self is that we all see how brave and strong you are . you are a survivor you deserve to live. Another point i would like to add is that only shallow people whom care about looks. If a person judge you from your appearance then he doesn’t deserve your friendship. As long as you look descent and clean. I know a girl who is very beautiful and slim and her boyfriend is very big and fat but she loves him a lot she see him as the most handsome guy ever. Because he is a gentleman, kind, loyal, so sweet. You can really find a guy like that. What is the use of having a handsome guy who treat us bad.
am sorry i talk to much
are you on pills (anti depression) cause they help a lot. i have seen it in 2 peoples i know well when they had the same thing severe depression. they use to cry all the time and never goes out. and after doubling the dose i can’t believe how come they have changed. A lot better they are laughing enjoying their time. Honey when a person suffers from depression or any problem or pain it is a sign that god loves you . because when you suffer your sins disappears the more you suffer the pure you get . if you recall all the prophets life .most of their life was suffering people try to hurt them and kill them. they get depressed even though they are the best people in earth prophets of god. Everyone was against them they had no friends they were alone but after a while they made friends and some people start to believe them. They start standing on their feet again. Read about the life of those Nobel prophets. Like Abraham, Noah, Moses..... life is hard and people struggle to survive. Since we are born our moms struggle to give birth she nearly dies to give another life. Till we grow up we face difficulties study, get sick, social stress, work, so we can put some food on the table. But at the same time life is beautiful . beautiful nature , lovely views, nice peoples , different languages , lovely architect...you need to experience the beauty of nature and life.. go to the woods the water lovely view nice trips experience some beauty keep your mind busy with positive things. Everyone get depressed specially me sometimes i feel im worthless but im not. im here to take care of my old grandmother , my kids my sister and to help people in need. People whom can’t find something to eat, or shelter, water, or to adapt an orphanage after war. I work to help people and develop the community. In addition ,to get paid and donate for those in need. I admire your courage and your strength i love the fact that you do not give up to find a way to get rid of this depression. I love the way you try to go here and there doing something instead of doing nothing. In psychiatry there is a box with 4 champers. 1 is what you and other know about you . 2 is what you know and no one knows about you (secrets). 3 what others know and you don’t about yourself. 4 what neither you or others know about yourself. What we know about you and you don’t know about your self is that we all see how brave and strong you are . you are a survivor you deserve to live. Another point i would like to add is that only shallow people whom care about looks. If a person judge you from your appearance then he doesn’t deserve your friendship. As long as you look descent and clean. I know a girl who is very beautiful and slim and her boyfriend is very big and fat but she loves him a lot she see him as the most handsome guy ever. Because he is a gentleman, kind, loyal, so sweet. You can really find a guy like that. What is the use of having a handsome guy who treat us bad.
am sorry i talk to much
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bentonfraser
replied on May 31st, 2009
New User
When do you know if you are Serious?
Okay folks,
After having a couple of days when I had my emotions, at least under control, no extended periods of crying. So much for that. Starting at work yesterday I felt the tears starting to come back. Today I cried yet again in the gym.
The gym was supposed to make me feel better and more confident. Okay when.
While I guess somewhere I really don't want to die. I know its the only answer. I think about it all the time in one way or another. As I said before I even have some plans, and have practiced them. But question. How do you know when you might be seriously endanger of doing something? When do you try to call the support lines or friends, etc. In my case it is easy, my only friend does not want to reply to me anymore. I thought maybe I should call the help line today but then the urge faded.
And what is holding me back from killing myself. Why would I even want or need to call the suicide support help line? I don't want to go but feeling nothing is better than the alternative of living like this for the rest of my life. So when am I serious and when am I just very emotional, crying and want someone to talk to?
Okay folks,
After having a couple of days when I had my emotions, at least under control, no extended periods of crying. So much for that. Starting at work yesterday I felt the tears starting to come back. Today I cried yet again in the gym.
The gym was supposed to make me feel better and more confident. Okay when.
While I guess somewhere I really don't want to die. I know its the only answer. I think about it all the time in one way or another. As I said before I even have some plans, and have practiced them. But question. How do you know when you might be seriously endanger of doing something? When do you try to call the support lines or friends, etc. In my case it is easy, my only friend does not want to reply to me anymore. I thought maybe I should call the help line today but then the urge faded.
And what is holding me back from killing myself. Why would I even want or need to call the suicide support help line? I don't want to go but feeling nothing is better than the alternative of living like this for the rest of my life. So when am I serious and when am I just very emotional, crying and want someone to talk to?
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kymm
replied on May 31st, 2009
Experienced User
yes its ok
It's ok to call the hot line now. You have these feeling's to kill yourself, even though you just admitted you really don't want to. You have friend's on here that are listening and giving you word's of encouragement, and are really concerned for your well being. It's a good idea for you to call them and just tell them how you feel and what you are thinking about at the time. Your crying out for the help, just go the extra step and call them.
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Fairy Godmother
replied on May 31st, 2009
Supporter
Dude, you are crying for help....you can not go through with it because you know you are worthwhile....You really do need to get out and socialize. Do you not go to church? Here, there are so many wiht so many "people friendly' activities going on all the time. Almsot every night of the week, there is something going on. And just because its a church group,its not necessarily preaching and Bible study.....there are suppers together, bowling, swimming parties, movie night.....just alot of people who get together and have a fun time. I have suggested you going to CRAIGS LIST in CANADA a lot but have not heard you went there to look. You could join others who share your interest. PM me if you'd rather......Call that hotline anytimes you wish......if you do it every other hour....at least you are taking steps! OH, and you have friends here.......HUGS! FGM
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bentonfraser
replied on June 7th, 2009
New User
Really Feel Alone Now
Well folks, not feeling so good this morning. Spoke to this woman friend of mine last night. It is just so hard. Needed her advice on something. Hopefully after she reads her email she may be able give me some ideas on how to proceed. The advice is not for me.
Anyway after our conversation I feel like I truly am only one of her superficial acquaintance friends. Too me that means I really have no friends. If I can not turn to my closest friend ... to talk about the real stuff going on in our lives. Not just how work was, etc... what do I have?
Now I know I really am alone. It was hard enough to keep going on before. I really am nothing. And no one would notice when I finally get the courage to go.
I'm tired of crying all the time. Out of the last 4 or 5 days at work I had to pop an ativan just to make it through the day.
Okay I have to pull it together now. I work today. Perhaps I just need to vent a little.
Well folks, not feeling so good this morning. Spoke to this woman friend of mine last night. It is just so hard. Needed her advice on something. Hopefully after she reads her email she may be able give me some ideas on how to proceed. The advice is not for me.
Anyway after our conversation I feel like I truly am only one of her superficial acquaintance friends. Too me that means I really have no friends. If I can not turn to my closest friend ... to talk about the real stuff going on in our lives. Not just how work was, etc... what do I have?
Now I know I really am alone. It was hard enough to keep going on before. I really am nothing. And no one would notice when I finally get the courage to go.
I'm tired of crying all the time. Out of the last 4 or 5 days at work I had to pop an ativan just to make it through the day.
Okay I have to pull it together now. I work today. Perhaps I just need to vent a little.
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rightside
replied on June 7th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
Hi there. I have a few questions for you. You have some serious self-esteem issues that I think may be at the root of your problem. What I want to know is, why do you think you are worthless and not worth this life God has blessed you with? What is the relationship you have with your parents? Can you tell us why you are still living at home? Somewhere in your life, someone has taken your self-esteem from you, bit by bit until this is what you have been left with. In order to make friends, and find women, you need to be confident, and self-assured, and most of all, POSITIVE, rather than negative. It is the negativity that drives people away from you. I feel you need to start taking time for yourself. Look in the mirror. What do you feel you dislike about yourself? Chances are most of it is in your own mind, and is not what other people see. Try to improve on what bothers you most. Change hair cuts, get some new clothes. Sometimes this can make a world of difference in how you feel about yourself, which is a start.
Next, try replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones. Think about all the wonderful attributes you can share with others. You know you have some. What are you good at? If you have negative people in your life, get rid of them NOW. It's shocking how someone else's comments can destroy us and our self-esteem.
I am not big on meds, or doctors, but if you need them. go get them. Try talking to a shrink if you need to. He will get to the root of your problems and make you understand why you feel the way you do. I have a suspicion it has something to do with your upbringing, if you say you thought about suicide as early as 13.
Sad to say, sometimes we have toxic people in our lives. We believe what they tell us, and begin to live the lives THEY want us to live. You need to live your life for YOU...not another woman, or friends. Once you begin to love and respect yourself, you will draw others towards you, and you will find that love you so desparately want.
You do NOT want to die. If you did, you would not be here. There are plenty of places to find friends. This forum is one of them. But get to know yourself first, find the good in you, and you will be able to turn this sadness around. God bless and good luck.
Next, try replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones. Think about all the wonderful attributes you can share with others. You know you have some. What are you good at? If you have negative people in your life, get rid of them NOW. It's shocking how someone else's comments can destroy us and our self-esteem.
I am not big on meds, or doctors, but if you need them. go get them. Try talking to a shrink if you need to. He will get to the root of your problems and make you understand why you feel the way you do. I have a suspicion it has something to do with your upbringing, if you say you thought about suicide as early as 13.
Sad to say, sometimes we have toxic people in our lives. We believe what they tell us, and begin to live the lives THEY want us to live. You need to live your life for YOU...not another woman, or friends. Once you begin to love and respect yourself, you will draw others towards you, and you will find that love you so desparately want.
You do NOT want to die. If you did, you would not be here. There are plenty of places to find friends. This forum is one of them. But get to know yourself first, find the good in you, and you will be able to turn this sadness around. God bless and good luck.
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Users who thank rightside for this post:
abigwhitewall
ServiceU
replied on June 8th, 2009
Supporter
i had a b/f in high school who felt like no one cares and he shot himself in the head. i was devastated for months. there was so many people at his furneral who was crying and heartbroken.
i've always been depressed, but he is the reason why i will never think of giving up. being depressed makes your thoughts negative, and so many people cared, but he thought they did not.
everything i've been through in my life, i only have one friend and speak to only a few family members. i dont like being around crowds, and i am very comfortable with being by myself.
and a relationship isnt going to make you happy, if you meet someone that will always hurt you.
you said you have OCD, Severe Depression, Social anxiety disorder, and horrible self esteem. i think you should let your doctor find a program that's right for you, and get on medication. are you on medication?
i m in a program and this site, and the program helped me a lot. dont get discourage with the program that wasnt right for you. i seen a therapist that couldnt relate to me, so i felt like i should see someone else.
i believe if you get yourself together with the issues your dealing with it will make you a better person, and it will make you a better catch for women.
you have to try to be positive, force feed yourself positive thoughts, and dont give up on yourself, give yourself a chance i really believe you can do this.
be positive.
i've always been depressed, but he is the reason why i will never think of giving up. being depressed makes your thoughts negative, and so many people cared, but he thought they did not.
everything i've been through in my life, i only have one friend and speak to only a few family members. i dont like being around crowds, and i am very comfortable with being by myself.
and a relationship isnt going to make you happy, if you meet someone that will always hurt you.
you said you have OCD, Severe Depression, Social anxiety disorder, and horrible self esteem. i think you should let your doctor find a program that's right for you, and get on medication. are you on medication?
i m in a program and this site, and the program helped me a lot. dont get discourage with the program that wasnt right for you. i seen a therapist that couldnt relate to me, so i felt like i should see someone else.
i believe if you get yourself together with the issues your dealing with it will make you a better person, and it will make you a better catch for women.
you have to try to be positive, force feed yourself positive thoughts, and dont give up on yourself, give yourself a chance i really believe you can do this.
be positive.
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bentonfraser
replied on July 9th, 2009
New User
Okay all,
I'm still looking for a reason to go on. I'm now 38. Still haven't been on a date. Feel like nothing all the time. I'm always on the brink of a major melt down. I am in tears a lot now. The only way I keep from breaking down totally at work now is to take tranquilizers.
They have been prescribed. The woman that I keep mentioning, only 2 text messages in the last 3 to 4 months. I keep trying to get out of this mess. About 2 weeks ago the event I was planning finally took place. If there was anything that should have given me any joy this was it. Nothing. Today a woman from Plentyoffish.com and I were supposed to meet for a coffee date. I got stood up. Of course I did. She finally came to her senses and realized who she would be meeting.
I tried treating myself again. Another massage. Did that today. Try to get myself mentally ok for my date that did not happen. So physically and mentally tired att the time.
I pray to die in my sleep. Everyday I wake up is a disappointment. I looked at Walmart yesterday. They have an item I need for my quick and painless way out. I still think about it. But I gave my counselor my word I would not kill myself as long as I was seeing her. Thinking about quiting counseling so I can keep my word.
I just don't know how to go on with no hope. Being so alone.
I'm still looking for a reason to go on. I'm now 38. Still haven't been on a date. Feel like nothing all the time. I'm always on the brink of a major melt down. I am in tears a lot now. The only way I keep from breaking down totally at work now is to take tranquilizers.
They have been prescribed. The woman that I keep mentioning, only 2 text messages in the last 3 to 4 months. I keep trying to get out of this mess. About 2 weeks ago the event I was planning finally took place. If there was anything that should have given me any joy this was it. Nothing. Today a woman from Plentyoffish.com and I were supposed to meet for a coffee date. I got stood up. Of course I did. She finally came to her senses and realized who she would be meeting.
I tried treating myself again. Another massage. Did that today. Try to get myself mentally ok for my date that did not happen. So physically and mentally tired att the time.
I pray to die in my sleep. Everyday I wake up is a disappointment. I looked at Walmart yesterday. They have an item I need for my quick and painless way out. I still think about it. But I gave my counselor my word I would not kill myself as long as I was seeing her. Thinking about quiting counseling so I can keep my word.
I just don't know how to go on with no hope. Being so alone.
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rightside
replied on July 9th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
You know, this is starting to get me upset, and I hope you don't take offense to this, but I have to say what I feel. What gives you the right to think that a good life just falls in your lap? From all you have written, to me it sounds like you just wander through life, waiting for people and good things to find you. Well, I have got news for you...you have to put forth an EFFORT to have friends, and a love life. You are really coming off as self-absorbed. It's all about how YOU feel. Well, maybe that is why you are alone. You have to really care about people to make them want to be around you. Your negavity is like a disease, that is keeping everyone away from you. You keep talking about suicide. Are you trying to shock us with this? Are you trying to get sympathy from everyone? It sounds like it. Well, remember the saying "God helps those who help themselves. You can't just go to work, or to the gym with that hang dog attitude and expect people to want to be around you. They don't know what to say to you. Your negativity makes them uncomfortable. THAT is why you are alone.
Do you know how many people are in hospitals all over the world, taking their last breaths, that would kill to have the time you are wasting? I am sorry for being harsh, but I value life, good and bad. I value the bad because it serves as a learning experience for us to know how NOT to make the same mistakes again. I am thankful for every second I am still breathing, even when I am sad, or depressed. I can't believe you don't seem to want to get better... it sure sounds like that to me. You don't even seem to want to try. You say you do, but it's just like you are going through the motions.
There are many people like you. They would rather wallow in self-pity than make the decision to change their life if they don't like how it's going. The only thing you can't change is DEATH. Everything else can be worked on. If you need medical help, get it, and TRY to listen to what they are telling you. Lots of people are depressed, and their biggest wish is NOT to be, but you have to help it along. If you aren't willing to try and change, and make a conscience decision that things CAN get better for you, how do you expect others to help you?
There IS hope for you, but it has to start with you WANTING to get over this woman, and get to feeling better. We have ALL lost love. Some of us many, many times. That doesn't mean we should all go figure out a way to kill ourselves. Geeze, it even SOUNDS silly to me. NO person is worth taking your own life for. NONE! I have a son your age exactly, and if he told me he wanted to kill himself over a woman, I would kick his butt from here to China. I'm thinking at this point, maybe that is what you need! Now, NO MORE talk of suicide, and more of what you intend to do to get back into the business of living!
Do you know how many people are in hospitals all over the world, taking their last breaths, that would kill to have the time you are wasting? I am sorry for being harsh, but I value life, good and bad. I value the bad because it serves as a learning experience for us to know how NOT to make the same mistakes again. I am thankful for every second I am still breathing, even when I am sad, or depressed. I can't believe you don't seem to want to get better... it sure sounds like that to me. You don't even seem to want to try. You say you do, but it's just like you are going through the motions.
There are many people like you. They would rather wallow in self-pity than make the decision to change their life if they don't like how it's going. The only thing you can't change is DEATH. Everything else can be worked on. If you need medical help, get it, and TRY to listen to what they are telling you. Lots of people are depressed, and their biggest wish is NOT to be, but you have to help it along. If you aren't willing to try and change, and make a conscience decision that things CAN get better for you, how do you expect others to help you?
There IS hope for you, but it has to start with you WANTING to get over this woman, and get to feeling better. We have ALL lost love. Some of us many, many times. That doesn't mean we should all go figure out a way to kill ourselves. Geeze, it even SOUNDS silly to me. NO person is worth taking your own life for. NONE! I have a son your age exactly, and if he told me he wanted to kill himself over a woman, I would kick his butt from here to China. I'm thinking at this point, maybe that is what you need! Now, NO MORE talk of suicide, and more of what you intend to do to get back into the business of living!
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wendyrs
replied on July 9th, 2009
Supporter
Being someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I find this very disturbing. I try to do whatever I can to get help and feel better. One thing that helps me is helping others. It makes me feel good about myself and that makes a world of difference. One thing that pushes me backwards is negative people and people that are just so self-absorbed in their own misery that they don't even listen to what others are trying to tell them. They don't care about others' feelings and don't hear anything anyone else is saying. If you say something positive they just ignore it. They just love the misery and want to make everyone around them miserable too. "Misery loves company" not on my shift.
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rightside
replied on July 9th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
Right on Wendy!
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Users who thank rightside for this post:
wendyrs
bentonfraser
replied on July 9th, 2009
New User
Hi all, (especially Raven53 and Wendyrs)
Thank you both for your responses. No I do not take offense.I know from what I write it sounds like I am not trying to get out of this hole. Yes when it is the worst I am very self absorbed. The misery is all encompassing and it is hard to feel anything else.
But I really am trying to do something to get better. As I said in previous posts I think I have suffered from some sort of depression most of my life but before I really plummeted down in the last year ... I did volunteer for things. Try to help out where I could.
And I still do. This year is my town's Centennial. I was asked to put on an event for it. I am an amateur radio operator. So I planned Field Day, with displays, concert, etc. and put it on at the local Community Centre. Through my involvement in amateur radio and the local club I volunteer my time and equipment for a number of events and causes. A couple of weeks ago I volunteered for a Cancer Run. Later on this month I will be organizing the communications for another charity run. I also am part of the emergency communications unit Emergency Operations Centre Team, etc. Through this I have a lot of acquaintances but really no friends.
I have a counselor as well. She is a very nice woman and I am doing the homework she requests of me. Sometimes I am able to see the 'faulty' thought patterns I have. Sometimes not. So I am trying. At least I think I am trying. I really do think I am putting forth an effort. My counselor thinks so to. But you are right. Maybe I am just going through the motions. Am I just trying to fool myself and the counselor? I do all these things but I don't feel any joy from them.
As for this woman I have spoke of in previous posts. Today's date was just someone I spoke to last night. The one that stood me up today. Admittedly she is a big trigger. I have tried to separate myself from her. Tried again tonight but as soon as we talk ... I don't know. And I'm okay when we are talking but as soon as it is over I collapse.
Any way I am sorry to have upset you all. I don't know how to feel good about myself or believe in possibilities anymore.
thanks
Thank you both for your responses. No I do not take offense.I know from what I write it sounds like I am not trying to get out of this hole. Yes when it is the worst I am very self absorbed. The misery is all encompassing and it is hard to feel anything else.
But I really am trying to do something to get better. As I said in previous posts I think I have suffered from some sort of depression most of my life but before I really plummeted down in the last year ... I did volunteer for things. Try to help out where I could.
And I still do. This year is my town's Centennial. I was asked to put on an event for it. I am an amateur radio operator. So I planned Field Day, with displays, concert, etc. and put it on at the local Community Centre. Through my involvement in amateur radio and the local club I volunteer my time and equipment for a number of events and causes. A couple of weeks ago I volunteered for a Cancer Run. Later on this month I will be organizing the communications for another charity run. I also am part of the emergency communications unit Emergency Operations Centre Team, etc. Through this I have a lot of acquaintances but really no friends.
I have a counselor as well. She is a very nice woman and I am doing the homework she requests of me. Sometimes I am able to see the 'faulty' thought patterns I have. Sometimes not. So I am trying. At least I think I am trying. I really do think I am putting forth an effort. My counselor thinks so to. But you are right. Maybe I am just going through the motions. Am I just trying to fool myself and the counselor? I do all these things but I don't feel any joy from them.
As for this woman I have spoke of in previous posts. Today's date was just someone I spoke to last night. The one that stood me up today. Admittedly she is a big trigger. I have tried to separate myself from her. Tried again tonight but as soon as we talk ... I don't know. And I'm okay when we are talking but as soon as it is over I collapse.
Any way I am sorry to have upset you all. I don't know how to feel good about myself or believe in possibilities anymore.
thanks
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wendyrs
replied on July 9th, 2009
Supporter
You don't have to apologize and I think as you are an intelligent man, you understand why we feel the way we do about the negative posts. It's great to vent but if we are going to help you, we need to see that you are also willing to help yourself. It's great that you are volunteering your time in helping others. We would not have known that from your previous post. I had a therapist that once told me to try to redirect my mind/thoughts whenever I started to think of something negative or something that gave me anxiety. It may sound too easy but it does work after you do it so many times. All I'm asking you to do, as someone who does care is that whenever you begin to think about suicide switch a channel in your mind and think of something you enjoy doing, even if it is something as simple as reading a book. What you are doing is controlling your own thoughts and blocking out the negative thoughts with the good ones. Eventually it becomes habit and you will see an improvement in yourself. Once you become a more positive person people will want to get to know you. Take a deep breath and think about something that you really want, like a woman to love and will love you back. The more you start having those positive thoughts, eventually it will come true. You're still only in your 30s and you would miss out on so much if you were to take your life early. You don't know what wonderful experiences and people you will miss out on if you were to cut your life short. Think about a wonderful woman who is waiting for YOU and smile because she is out there looking for you too. In the meantime, continue to get help from your doctors. Talk to us online. We really do care. One thing I've learned to do is to like myself, stop putting myself down, and to take care of myself. It's all about confidence and positive thinking. Have you seen the movie "The Secret"? It's interesting and shows you how positive thinking can really change your life. Tell yourself that you're worth this life your mother gave to you and do everything in your power to enjoy it and make it better. It's not too late!
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Users who thank wendyrs for this post:
bentonfraser
abigwhitewall
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