It is such a long story but the end of my teather as I am running out of options. I am 36 years old and have had problems since I was a teenager. I found this forum after reading other peoples problems and just hoping I can get some kind of support.
At 16 I tried to kill myself because I had a body image problem as I was fat, I was taken to a psychologist for 3 years and got over some of my problems. I had a few years of getting in to recreational drugs but I seemed to sort myself out in my early 20's. I had a good early part of my 20's and got my self a good career but struggled with my sexuality and ended up in a relationship with a guy. This lasted 10 years and he was abusive and put me down all the time and basically made me loose most of my friends and pushed my family aside. It took me years to get this relationship out of my life and finally seen the end of it and tried to move my life in to a better place.
Over these years I was on some form of antidepressant or another and always felt like I could keep myself together. From 16 all of my problems were about how others viewed me and the fact of being bullied and that is all my partner did over 10 years. The years before I had beaten this behaviour but the the years in this relationship had undone all that I had worked towards.
The point I am getting at is I met a new person and took me so long to get to love them but in the end I did but then I started to become very low and sterted cutting myself and had a few years of complete hell. 3 years ago I was diagnosed with PTST and long term depression and anxiety and have had CBT and rapid eye desensitisation therapy and 18 months of therapy. I was changed from prozac, citalopram, martazapine, venlaflazine and now loefepramine. My therapy has finished and although I have none of the flash backs and feel a bit better about myself I have lost my job and living from my new partner. I dare not tell him that every day I feel so low and want to kill myself, I do not want to see people and struggle to even get up and do the usual daily thing that I should. Everyday I feel so depressed and low, every day I feel life is not worth living, I am stuck in a rut and have no light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel alone and worthless and want it all to stop, I dont have much of a supportive family and the only rock is my partner but I feel he is loosing site in myself and my problems, there is only so much a person can take. I was told I had PTSD but I do not think this was the truth. I stuggle to relax and still have lorazepam from the doctor and sleeping tablets, my doctor tells me I am ok but it is hard when I do not feel OK. All I want to do is sleep and shut the world away. But at the same time I have days when I feel great and completely the opposite. Life is a complete struggle and do not know how long I can keep keeping myself together as it is so hard and exhausting to keep me being a normal person.
I need some help from someone, even if you have been in a similar position but I have done everything to help. I take special fish oil tablets and eat a balanced dies, I cant exercise because I have a back problem and bursitis of my foot that has lasted 5 years and my doctors will not help and pile me off with more tablets. I had a nissens fundoplication a year ago and still have problems with my stomach caused by stress. I have tried mindfullness and trancendental meditation, I have been back to my doctor and he does not understand and want some advice as have no one to turn to for help.