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Q: Depression - Silent killer?

asked by: karmapolice21 on January 10th, 2009

New User

Hey
I am a 21 year old college student that has been diagnosed with depression recently. I started on citalopram about six months ago, and although I found it helps stabilize my mood, my overall mood is always numb or less than it should be. I have been having suicidal thoughts since I was 10. I once told my mom that all I wanted to do was go under water and just breathe in so I could drown.
I have it pretty good, which is what I cannot understand. I have two jobs, a wonderful mother, great siblings and I support myself. I just find that I am constantly putting myself down, and there is always a feeling of not being good enough. I am constantly asking myself what is so wrong with me that I lose friends and have been single for so long. I am told all the time that I am beautiful, that I have so much going for me, I am smart. I just don't see it. With that, my self esteem is always low and I make decisions that are less than admirable.
Is this more than depression? Or just a severe case.
It is so distressing, and the constant nag in the back of my head of ending it all is not only scary but it adds to the never ending stress and drama that is my life. What do I do?!

Replies(3)

rusholmeruffian

replied on January 20th, 2009

New User

im really sorry i cannot imagine what is going around your head, you need to think what is it your not good enough for? it is only yourself that will judge this harshly, no one else will be judging you in this way. listen to people when they say you are beautiful and smart, they are telling the truth, do not doubt what they say take it on board you are a brilliant person, you just need to realise this in your own time dont worry about realationships, focus on yourself and becoming the person you can be, just take each day as it arrives. living with depression is a hard struggle but you are brave enough to take it on and not let it effect you more than it has done. you can beat this.

Users who thank rusholmeruffian for this post: karmapolice21

karmapolice21

replied on January 21st, 2009

New User

"it is only yourself that will judge this harshly"

My dad and his side of the family judge this way all the time... they make it much more difficult for any progression in feeling better about myself and life.
I have more to my story as well... when I was 17 I was sexually assaulted. In the same month my mom and my step dad of 16 years divorced. He not only left, but he only would talk to his kids. soon after this happened I started doing drugs, and I met someone who made me feel like everything was going to be okay. I moved in with him, and I soon found out he had a temper. He liked to hit me and spit on me and call me names in public.
I have a lot that i don't tell anyone. I am ashamed of the choices I have made and it is screwing with my head like you wouldn't believe.

xbutterfliedx

replied on January 21st, 2009

New User

you are your worst critic

i am also a college student and have been on zoloft for about 2 years, it helps but i still have the constant feelings that i am not good enough, i also feel that i am not smart and not good enough even though everyone does not see anything wrong with me. i cannot understand why i judge myself so critically and its nice to know that someone else out there feels the same way. One thing i have found that helps is to have someone you can tell anything to and that likes you just the way you are.

Users who thank xbutterfliedx for this post: karmapolice21

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