Sorry for the long post, but I'm very troubled with a lot of things. I've tried looking for help in a few places before with no luck, so I decided to come here.
I've had depression for the last four years. I went to see the school counselor about it a few times last year, and she suspected depression and anxiety- I thought she was going to help me, but she really treated it all like a joke. One day she said I was fine and that I shouldn't come back anymore, so I didn't. I don't think I'm fine, and in fact I feel worse than ever.
People think I don’t have emotions. I have been called a “robot” before at school because I have a monotone voice and I always keep a straight face, and I never talk much. Honestly, I never know what I’m supposed to be showing on my face or feeling in my voice… I don’t understand how that could come naturally to people, because I’ve been this way my whole life. In reality, I am constantly consumed with my emotions.
I was talking with a few of my friends one day at lunch a few months ago, and one of them commented that they have never seen me mad. At school, I admit that I rarely get mad; but at home, everything that my mom says to me makes me want to explode. She has been dating this guy for about three years now, whom I absolutely hate. I have never hated anyone with such a passion before. I can’t even explain why I feel this way, but I’m not the only one. My brothers don’t like him, and every one of my friends that has met him hasn’t liked him. I know he isn’t the one for my mom. I think that she’s just tired of being alone, so she just went to the first single guy that she could find. He is 59 years old, and she is 50. I feel like he’s way too old for her, even at their age. When he walks around in our house, he never wears a shirt or pants; he just hangs around in his boxers (which, I feel like mentioning, are always the same ones. He never changes his underwear.) I am utterly disgusted by this, and I think old men should cover up, especially with a teenage girl living in the house.
I once confronted my mom about this, and she thinks the reason I don’t like him is because I think he’s replacing my dad or something. She thinks that I still had hope that my parents were going to get back together. This isn’t true. I never even considered that. I’m not close with either of my parents, but my relationship with my dad is even worse. I always hear people my age saying things about how they love their parents, but I don’t understand that. How could I love my mom and dad? They don’t even know me, and I don’t know them.
Whenever my mom’s boyfriend is around, I get enraged. I often go to my room and start crying. I used to get homicidal thoughts, (even sometimes with people at school,) but those haven’t come in a while. I used to never cry, but in the last few months I’ve just felt so fragile and I start crying whenever my mom is rude to me or when she orders me around. I can’t control it and it makes me feel helpless.
I am constantly paranoid. I hate posting things like this on the internet, for fear that someone I know is going to read it and recognize who I am, even though I know that wouldn’t be possible. I use fake names on the internet. I’m paranoid about things in real life, too- whenever I’m around people, I think they can read my mind and it really scares me. Even though I don’t think this is possible, I’m still always afraid. Sometimes at night, I look out the window at the stars and I get scared that aliens are going to come and abduct me. I will hear a noise coming from another room, and I will freak out that there are ghosts watching me.
My mom might have cancer. It’s not the cancer that scares me, but the thought of her dying. I know that I could live without her, and I almost feel like that would be better for me, but I don’t want her to die. It’s more of the paranoia thing- I don’t know how death works. Will she be able to watch me any time she wants? I don’t want her to see me in my personal life. I don’t want anyone to see me. I can’t stand having friends over at my house because it feels intrusive, but if they do come over, I make up excuses so they can’t go in my room. I won’t even let them near my computer, because I always think they’re going to look through my files of something. I’m the same with my family. I don’t let anyone see what I’m really like.
I sometimes feel like I want to die. I think about suicide a lot, but I don’t really see myself actually going through with it. It’s always there as an option for me, though.
I’ve gone to Catholic schools all my life, and all of my friends and family are hardcore Christians. I’m an atheist and I can’t tell anyone. I once told my friend that I didn’t go to church, and she was outraged. She said that church is incredibly important and that I need to go every week. I can’t imagine what she would have done if I’d told her I was an atheist.
I’d keep going on, but this is getting pretty long so I guess I’ll stop at that. Any help is appreciated. I just need advice. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Saving 
