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Depression...help?

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I suppose this calls for my life story. I'm Jasmin, 16 years old, junior in high school. I'm currently in JROTC, and am a First-Sergeant Very Happy
I've always been a good student, but not really for myself- to please my parents. From ages 6-14 I was molested by an older cousin, which really affected me in that I became...very angry at life. If people touched me the wrong way I flinched, I became very uncomfortable and angry. I struggled with this until I finally confessed it to my now ex-boyfriend and he told my family.
The end result was them forgiving (yes, FORGIVING) my cousin, something which really hurt and angered me, and made my already strained relationship with my parents almost nonexistent. I'm not sure I love them- everything they do makes me mad. I'm sad a lot of the time.
Since the age of 12 I have been struggling with self-harm. Since said age I have also been dealing with substance abuse (smoking, drinking, prescription).
My grades have plummeted since 6th grade, but I have managed to keep an A, B, C average, which...compared to my all A average I used to have when I was a kid, has disappointed my parents, I am sure of it.
I am not a good daughter. I yell, I scream, I say mean and hurtful things, but I cannot stand my parents- I don't know why.
Usually at school, I am very aggressive, very irritable, but at the same time very kind and helpful. I can't explain this. Sometimes I just can't stand someone when they talk to me.
I feel isolated and lonely, even though a lot of people like me. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, which just added to it.
I've been very successful in JROTC this year, rising in rank like crazy, but I cannot seem to feel accomplished or happy about it. I had to drop out of all the teams I was in because of back problems, which lead to a lot of doctor's visits (therapy, orthopedist) and also a lot of appointments because of my braces, which for some reason added to it.
I don't know why I feel so angry, sad, lonely, and just plain bad all the time. I used to cry a lot but now I go through life just being numb, I don't care much about anything. I've gone to the lengths of toying with my life by taking handfuls of prescription pills just to see what happens and just going to school totally out of it because of so much medicine in my system.
I feel that if I was not here, not alive, things would be better for my family and for everyone else. I just don;t know what to do anymore..
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First Helper User Profile Frog154
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replied May 6th, 2011
Experienced User
Are you still taking those meds? They can often in fact make things worse, they do for me, try not taking them and see the difference.
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