I'm a 18 year old guy and I've been suicidal off-and-on for the last 3 years or so. Thought at first it was hormones, but the more I symptoms I see, the more I am convinced I am bipolar. I have severe negative moods where I have to lock myself up in my room to keep from hurting myself or committing suicide and even then I come close to doing so. Then I have really high moods where my heart and mind races and I do weird things. For example, during one recent event I wrote 40 pages in less than 48 hours. This is unusual. Normally it takes me a month to write this much! I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. The main trigger that seems to spark my depressive episodes is strange as well. Every time I think about or see or hear about this certain girl in my life, I feel so hopeless it's unbearable. I have never had a girlfriend or even talked to girls really, so I've always been very lonely. But this girl had seemed different (or at least I thought). Sometimes when I see her I feel like she feels something towards me, but doesn't say it. I don't say anything because she is in love with her high school (more like junior high AND high school) sweetheart (not me for sure). And I know this has all sounded stupid and this girl is not the only trigger, but its true. I might have a personality disorder or something. I'm also really shy and kind of a social phobe so this might be another reason I don't understand.

I feel like if I don't do something soon something bad will happen to me. Every forum I've posted on everybody screams for me to go see a doctor or talk to my parents about this, but I can't. I just can't. I think I would commit suicide just from the trauma of doing that. Is there any individual initiative I could take? Or any natural remedies? I can't afford a doctor without going to my parents first. And I'm definitely NOT doing that.





And here I am, at 2:00 in the morning, typing on this forum when I have college classes early in the morning and a test and project due that I haven't studied for or done!