Hi. It's me again. It's 9:30 am and I'm still in bed and I'm afraid I'm not going to make it to work today. I just feel so bad and I wish I was dead.
A quick update: My last job I quit. I just started a new job last month in another part of the country. I haven't been here a month yet. My job is depressing. Not difficult. Just boring and depressing. I make good money, but I already hate my job.
I have always been shy. It has always affected everything in my life but it's especially hard with my job now, because it requires a lot of communication. I freeze up. I can't look anyone in the eye. A lot of times I try to talk but nothing comes out of my mouth. When I do talk I look/feel awkward. People at work have already come on to this, and most people don't even talk to me at all. I don't go out to lunch with anyone. I don't even get asked anymore. I spend my lunches alone and depressed. My job is boring, and I'm not doing a good job of it because of the shyness thing, so most of the day I am depressed. Then I come home and I'm still depressed.
I don't have any ambitions or goals. Aside from food and sex nothing holds my attention. I just want to melt away... die. I try being positive but it's so hard because I know I'm pretending.
I used to have friends but I drive all my friends/girlfriends away. I don't know anyone in this town. I'm not close with my family. I haven't felt this bad in over 10 years when I started a new job out of college in a new town. I hated the job and the town. Eventually I attempted suicide, but failed.
I haven't felt this bad in over 15 years. I called in sick last Friday. I don't know what I'm going to do today. I just started the job so I haven't accumulated much time off. I've considered quitting the job but they paid for me to relocate and if I quit before I've been there a year then I'd owe them a lot of money.
Before I moved I was seeing doctors and taking medication but it wasn't helping. People keep saying don't kill yourself. They keep saying seek help. But I have been doing this for a very long time. I am tired. I am very very very tired. I just don't see the point in anything anymore. I know something about me just isn't normal and I will never be "normal" and I'm just sick of living the way that I am.
I wish I knew what to tell my job...