I am 18 and last year around late september I had a panic attack for the first time in years, I had those and depression when i was 12. when i was 12 I was put on prozac for anxiety and depression, my psychiatrist always asked if i had suicidal thoughts and I always lied and said no when I would become consumed with obsessing about suicide when I was young I would always think about how my grandma would feel and that would be enough to make it stop.

Last year (18 years old) I had a panic attack out of the blue and for about 6 or 7 days straight all I could think about was suicide, I never made a plan or anything just constant suicide I was in a constant state of extreme anxiety, it was hell. after I finally saw a thereapist she said I can either go to the mental hospital or she can put me in one. so I went and admitted myself.

I was in there for 10 days they put me on prozac again and it seemed to take my depression away a bit just enough to feel moderate, suicidal thoughts were random and didnt occcur constantly.

After i got out I saw a psychiatrist and explained that I would feel great for a couple days and then crash into a major depressive state mixed with anxiety. so he put me on Lithium (Eskalith 450mg twice a day) that seemed to help somewhat, I then went to a different psychiatrist for insurance reasons and he added wellbutrin sr 150 mg twice a day. cant remember if it helped or not that was around feb. I was on prozac up until april we weened mysellf off of it to try something else, Zoloft tryed that for four weeks and its been hell since we got off that and I started lexapro 5 days ago.

I still have these periods of feeling great like im in control and I can be free of any depression and anxiety, I dont get extremely hyper or energetic just me, I get to be me for a short period of time which makes it so hard, I get a glimpse of being me then a couplr days later im back to being depressed anxious feeling like im dead or going die crying from frustration and sadness. its just an up and down roller coster from hell, feel good, then i crash suicidal ideations come back.

I dont know if my medication side effects are the problem or there not riight I just dont know, I start a new med and I have no idea if its working or not wellbutrin can cause anxiety and all antidepressants cause sucidal thoughts the first few weeks, those thoughts put me into an anxious state and then i get depressed and so on.

I dont know what to do am i depressed or am i more bi-polar?
I was thinking maybe an augment like Risperidone

I tried abilify and it gave me vertigo for a couple hours had to go to ER

I also take xanax .25 mg as needed

I am also trying to get an appointment with a cbt therapist

I guess im venting more than asking a question I just dont know what else to do I get these feelings of being scared like a kid scared of the dark, i get it for no reason sorta of a panic attack but without the focus on fear of something killing you just scared

thanks for listening

-Eric