i'm new to the whole forum thing, but I
don't know what else to do.
On 2/12/07 I found out there was something
wrong with my cervix they didn't know what
it was, kept testing, kept trying but it
wasn't until 5/27/08 that I found out it
was cancer. I recently had a surgery
done, about 2 1/2 weeks ago, and my
oncologist/obgyn remover a 3rd of my
cervix.
I'm losing my mind.
I cant sleep
I have no energy
I have no motivation like I used to
I cry for no reason at random times
i've never felt so low and scared and
depressed in my life. At 15 I was dx with
chemical and situational depression, with
meds and therapy I worked through it, but
this is so much worse than that. I am
about to be 21 years old and I don't know
if I will ever have kids, I don't feel
like doing anything I used to, I don't
have the eneergy energy, I feel ashamed of
myself and I don't know why.
I feel like no ones there no one cares. I
feel like no o
ne
understands. I read all these forums and I
just wish there was something someone
could say to help me.
Today I found out that they got the
pathology report back and they removed all
the cancer. I was on top of the world. And
then it was like I got hit by a bus. Im
stilI'mstressed im stilI'malways worried,
I have NEVER been more self conscious. I
don't feel like a 'girl" i know it sounds
so stupid, but with everything that makes
me a woman being messed with it just makes
me feel so un feminine, un sexy un
attractive and un wanted. I am always so
exhausted, getting out of bed is a chore,
it takes hours just to actually get up and
out of bed, if at all.
Im a nuI'ming student going into my senior
year of my bachelors and I don't know if I
can go back in the fall. how can I go back
to school for something where I am
supposed to help people with their medical
prolems whproblemsn even help myself.
I am in love with an amazing man and I
know he is going to be the one I marry.
through all of this he acts like its no
big deal, people tell me he is juts trying
to be strong for me. we had a really rough
month this past month, fought more than
ever, almost fell apart. It always me
picking up the pieces and now things are
starting to get back to us and I can even
make love to the man I am in love with
because 1. Im so I'mrried about everything
down there what if something goes wrong,
2. I am so self consciuo consciousever
even feel sexy anymore i jsut donjustnow,
i cant handle things right now
i wanna be okay I wanna feel okay, I have
to put on a happy face every day because I
cant let people see how down I am because
somehow everything is always my fault, and
even if someone else is doing
somethisomethingits my fault and I just
cant take it anymore. I put on my happy
face every day but its making me worse im
I'm tired and down and I don't know what
to do. ImI'mitting at a computer at almost
3 in the morning because I cant sleep.
ImI'mick of feeling like this is all myfmy
faulteople have said before (without
knowing my situation) well the only people
who get cervical cancer and hpv are the
promiscuous ones...well screw that...I may
be almost 21 but I am not your typical
colcollegeudent. ImI'mot a partier on a
regular basis, I have only slept with 3
people including my current boyfriend one
day to be husband, and I am the healthiest
eater i know, I work out all the time I
take care of myself but i don't feel like
i can take care of myself anymore.
i want to feel like being me is enough
I want to feel sexy and wanted
I want to be able to make love to my
boyfriend
I want to not feel like this is my
fault.
I want to feel like I can take care of
myself.
i want to not worry for even a day
I want to feel like I have a normal life
I just want to be happy and I honestly
just don't know what to do anymore.
