Hi everyone.
I came across these boards and had to try and throw my problems out in the open in hope of some help. It's probably going to seem pretty incoherent and random, but I'll give it a shot anyway. I recently went to a psychiatrist and he said I have many things but mainly just some depression and anxiety, which really didn't satisfy me in the least. I've been having an enormous amount of difficulty holding on to reality, or even comprehending what reality is for that matter. I've also had the "What's the point of life?" thoughts and acknowledge that I'm extremely depressed. I also have panic attacks that have recently become more and more frequent (nausea, extremely fast heart beat, etc.) that half the time I cannot for the life of me find the meaning of. I'm anxious about almost anything, from schoolwork to going to bed. I'll sit there for hours on end trying really hard to come up with a reason for these things but to no avail. Also, since I've been about 12 (I'm 18 now), I've had these incredibly intrusive thoughts which include 1. the idea that my life is not real, and it's all some test by god/higher being/scientists/whatever, which has always made everything I do seem meaningless and 2. extremely graphic, gory depictions of people I know personally, or a stranger on the street being murdered by either me or another, or sometimes just a horrible accident happens and one or more (sometimes even a crowd) are being brutally killed in my head. This second group of thoughts really scares me, and makes me feel that I'm going to become some serial killer, yet I have never been violent and I know I'm too much of a wimp to be. I do hear a voice in my head but it's not some random unknown voice but myself, but not myself, if that made any sense whatsoever. It's like I'm narrating my own life as it's happening. My second self (the voice) will have certain opinions and want to act in a certain way, but my physical self will usually completely oppose these. My thoughts are always disorganized. I used to have the best memory (actually found that I had a photographic memory), and used to be on the high honor roll in school, but now I find myself struggling to graduate, while at the same time just wanting to throw in the towel. I've lost all aspiration of college life and a high-paying career. I just don't care because it doesn't matter. I find myself staring into space a lot, and I was never one to do that before. Focusing on other things just doesn't feel right. I feel most comfortable when I just sit there dazing. I hear myself repeating words in my head, or strumming the same note on my guitar over and over and over in my head simply because strangely enough it feels good. My brain feels like it's short-circuiting and slowly but surely self-destructing until there is nothing left.
Help.
I want to hear any opinions or thoughts any of you may have.