It's a little long but please help have the heart to help me out.. :'( I just want to give full detail on my problem so that the answers would be accurate.
I came from my therapist yesterday and I explained to him what happened to me with an uncalled for shock… I guess my body gave up on feeling these negative emotions that I felt like it shut down on me which caused me not to feel anymore. I went into depression.
I freaked out that I couldn't feel anything. I went completely numb and empty for the past month and I would be so worried because I suddenly couldn't feel anything for my boyfriend! It scared me so much because how could I 'fall out of love with him' within a day when I went through so much with him and I know deep in my heart that I love him so much it was just that my feelings and my body wouldn't cooperate! Even with the things I love to do, it didn't seem to bring enjoyment to me anymore.. I love to dance K-POP but whenever I'm at the dance studio.. It doesn't feel the same. Even with my friends! I was at my dance competition and when they started hugging me and telling me I did a good job, it was like I couldn’t connect to them. I didn’t feel anything and I hugged them back but everything was just blank and it worries me a lot… It was like I wasn't myself and I was so lost and I didn't know what to do anymore... Honestly? I just want to be in love again.. Because my boyfriend is really one of the most important things to me and I can't lose him to this depression...
My therapist's diagnosis is that all the negative feelings came together which caused me to withdraw and become depressed and not feel anything because I was afraid to feel the fear, embarrassment and shock again.. He said that I should love myself even if I can't feel anything so that I can learn to love others again. I shouldn't over analyze it he said.
I'm known to over think a lot.. When I'm somewhere or in a situation I always go "I should be feeling something now but I don't!" I'm always looking for my feelings and get disappointed if they're not there... He said I should stop looking for my feelings and just go with the flow and ignore it.. Eventually, my emotions will come rolling back.
QUESTION 1: How do I go with the flow when I have no motivation for anything? I love my boyfriend so much but the depression is causing me not to feel anything for him.. do I break up with him because I don't feel anything for him or do I stick to loving him (because I know in my head and heart that I do, I just can't feel it) even if I can't feel anything and maybe my emotions would fix itself? I also love to dance, like I said but nowadays I don't feel like dancing anymore.. do I give up on it? I don't feel anything with regards to big events either! Like my upcoming birthday on March 30, my graduation, college... What do I do? Do I follow what the empty feelings are telling me or do I fight against it? What EXACTLY is go with the flow? If I literally went with the flow right now... I would just ignore the world and want to be alone all the time..
If I "went with the flow" and did what I felt like.. I wouldn't do the things I love because there's no point since I can't feel anything..The normal sensations I used to feel about it, I mean. It really hurts me.
QUESTION 2: I just want to love my boyfriend again because he means so much to me. We planned so many things in the future that made me happy and depression wiped it all away from me.. I just want it back. The scary thing that my therapist told me is that when my feelings come back maybe it's possible that I won't feel for him again... Is this REALLY possible?! I know so much that I love him.. when I get well from this depression will I FEEL for him again? Please help me out.. I really want to love him and feel again... I'd rather not feel anything if I won't feel for him when I get better, that's how much I love him!
The only time I’d know that I can feel again is if I feel love and happiness for him and my friends and the things I love to do again (Which mostly has a connection with him…). He’s my ultimate happiness so if I’m not depressed anymore and I can’t feel happiness with him still, I can’t feel for anything… He knows what I’m going through and is very supportive. He tells me not to over think my feelings and like what my therapist said, to just ‘go with the flow’ but it’s really hard not to think of someone who is a figure of your happiness… and it’s just not there. Do you think over thinking things makes this worse? My boyfriend tells me not to look for my feelings and it will come but if you don’t look for it, how will I find it?
Nowadays tho, I'm not as numb as before but there's like an emotional war inside me.. I know I feel something I just don't know what it is. And sometimes, I have the urge to tell my boyfriend I love him and I miss him even though there isn't a strong sense of feelings.. There's just something inside me that knows I love and miss him I just can't feel it as much and it's frustrating and confusing!
I really want to feel excitement, happiness and fulfillment again just like how I was before. I just want to be the old me and I really really wish it.. I've been so worried about this lately. I just want the numbness to go away.. The important events in my life are coming up and I just want to be able to feel for those events so that it would make a mark in my heart and it wouldn't be a waste of time.. I need my feelings back..
If you guys have had similar experiences please share it with me and how it ended up..
What you describe sounds like one of those primal protection processes humans have. The thoughts became too much and overwhelmed you so your brain shut you down to protect you from what was going on.
I went that way for a while and I was semi vegetative. I felt nothing and didn't even want to speak. Just sat and stared.
A therapist is of no use at that level of depression. You should be seeing a shrink who can prescribe meds to bring you back. Once your mood lightens then you can resume therapy if you want.
How did it end up? I no longer had that problem after about 6 weeks on meds. AT the stage I was at when I saw a shrink he told me ECT was my only hope. Electric shock therapy. I agreed on the spot as I would have agreed to anything right then. But my partner researched it for me and I then refused it.
Which has proven to be the right choice as I came back in that 6 weeks on meds and then therapy. It was NOT my only choice at all so don't let any doctor tell you you must have it. It's bad for most people and when it does help, it's temporary. I only raise this as the feelings sound extremely bad if your brain shuts down your emotions to protect you. That's actually a good thing as long as it's temporary.
The other possibility is an illness called depersonalisation. It was actually in a movie with Matthew Perry (Chandler) from Friends as the main character. It was called NUMB. He couldn't feel anything regardless of what therapy he tried. Get the movie and have a look. It's actually quite funny and has a conclusion about how he decided to deal with it.
Whatever you feel, there is always hope but you must seek it out, the help from doctors that is. Therapists can be helpful but not when things reach this level. They think talk can solve everything. They are wrong. Meds work and bring us back up enough for talk to be useful again.
Don't panic, just go see a shrink. And don't worry about changing if you don't like them, just go see another one.