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depressed wife says she cant luv me like i luv her right now

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Concerned about our marriage. We've been married for 7 years now and together for 10. shes 35 and im 33. we have 2 kids, 14 and 5. Just got our new house in june and everything seemed fine up until a couple months ago. She told me she hasnt been feeling good as of late. Kind of just off. I thought right away it could be depression symptoms. She had a real tough childhood. To the point where she has only discussed very few things that happened. She totally tries to not remember any of it. Anyways a few weeks back, she went and saw a counseller for the first time and within a couple days broke down and told me she was questioning the marriage but she didnt know why. She said she knows she has everything she has ever dreamed of ,and doesnt know why she feels so down and out. I think she is convinced its the marriage that is causing her feelings of depression, but im convinced its the depression that is causing her negative feelings towards the marriage. Seriously before this all came up, we have had a great marriage. We rarely fight, we both work fulltime and work great as a team to pay the bills and make sure the children are well looked after, so I was shocked to hear her say that stuff. We would have sex a couple times a week for sure. Just a few days before that admission, she had sex with me three straight days, then comes out and tells me this. I told her its sounds like she is depressed and she needs to see our doctor. She did becuz she genuinly wants these feelings to go away. She is distant to our five year old and said she cant get the nerve to play with him. Not much with the 14 year old either in terms of communication. She said work is tough and she hates being there now. There are days when she just wants to stay in bed, but knows she has to get up. She does love to go to the gym and workout, so thats a plus and she said its the only comfortable place she feels. Shes not even comfortable at home recently. The doctor did this questionaire for depression, where a 4 is normal. She scored a 12. The doc then prescribed cipralex 10mg right away. She went to see a woman counseller this time and liked what she had to say. the woman dr. said that a 12 is very high on the scale. She said from the outside your marriage and life seem to be great. My wife is really struggling with this. the cipralex was on day 10 and she had an allergic reaction to it. itchy bumps everywhere and her throat felt like it was closing up. she started to take just half doses until we went to see our family doc. he took her off of them and ordered a allergy specialist, so currently shes been off cipralex for 3 days now. We went away to a hotel for a night away from the kids just three days ago and had a great time. Although she admits that the wine and a little bit of weed made her relax and loosen up. We ended up having intercourse 4 times that night, which has never happened before in one night in 10 years. The next day was bad for her and she seems to have anxiety attacks in public places. could be a side effect from the cipralex but who knows. Anyways she had another counseller meeting yesterday and came home and we talked for over an hour. I asked her if she still loved me, she said yes. i asked her if she was still in love with me, she said of course. I asked her if she wanted a divorce, she said no. I asked her if she wanted to leave, she said no. I asked her numerous times in the last few weeks if there is someone else and is she cheating and she said no. She cant figure out why she feels no longer close to me like she once did. I asked her if she thought we needed more excitement in our marriage and she said maybe. I asked her if she no longer found me attractive. She said sometimes. So im so confused and hurt and stressed its not even funny. We are going early next week to see the counseller who is a dr. together so the doc can help me understand how she is feeling. She keeps saying its not me and nothing ive done, but Im so confused. Sex one night, and her feeling different the next. She tells me she loves me and is afraid that I will only be able to take so much before I decide to leave. shes scared of losing everything including the marriage the house etc. and so am i. the counseller said she is suffering from underlying depression and wants her to go back on ssri drugs once the allergy stuff is worked out. The therapist said this is a very rare case and mysterious and hasnt dealt with many things like this. and her mom also had depression. She also said to research bipolar disorder which i did, but she hasnt ever had any manic episodes. She does have a brother and uncle who are manic depressive. Shes Just down and out for the last couple of months. She is going on a holiday with 2 g/f's who are both married in a couple of weeks so she can be in a warm and sunny place, hoping that that will make her feel better and then she'll come home and feel like a part of the family again. I thought it was a good idea but have flipped my work schedule and now have to look after the house and kids for the week while she is relaxing in the sun. I am really doing this as of late anyways though. She isnt getting anything done around the house and is totally withdrawn. She says she cant love me like i love her right now.....i think the key words in that statement are right now. We talk about the future every so often still. Like saving for our older sons college and taking a cruise for our next trip. She also has an opportun. for a possible job advancement and has to go out of town but says its not for a long time, so the fact that we are talking about the future together makes me feel good and the fact that we are still having sex once a week makes me feel good and the fact that we still kiss, embrace, cuddle, hug and hold hands makes me feel good, but seeing her struggle with this black cloud over her head bothers me to no end. My greatest fear is that one day she will ask for a seperation even though she says she doesnt want that. I told her on the weekend that if she looks at the big picture, she will see that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. When I met my wife, she was a single mom, living in a fourplex with a roomate, working parttime with no $. She had a terrible childhood, so much so, that she doesnt ever bring it up, but knows that has to be the cause of some of her depression. After I met her, her life has turned right around up until now of course. Married, two kids, great house, got her drivers license and got her own car, fulltime job, gym membership where she works out 5 times a week. There are just so many negatives to her life before I came along and since there have been so many positives. I asked her on the weekend if she maybe feels like she doesnt deserve all of it? She said she doesnt. I told her she deserves it more than anyone with the crap she had to deal with growing up. She feels she has self esteem issues and she feels inadequete. she says she might want to join a support group dealing with that. I really feel we are doing everything we can so far and am so happy she is wanting the help, becuz she just keeps saying that she just wants things back to how they were before she started feeling down, which was around novermber or so.
i just also want to add that she looked after her mom while she was in the hospital less than a year ago. Her mom basically took off on her and back to her birthplace after she got out of the hospital without even saying a quality goodbye. It was more like over the phone. I knew it really bothered my wife. When her mom called during xmas a few times and finally left a contact number I asked my wife if she is going to call her and she broke down crying. I know this had to have led to some of her feelings. Thats not a marriage issue, thats deeprooted from way back. my wife had to deal with a lot of BS from her mom when she was young like finding her passed out from prescrip drugs and having to call an ambulance right when she came home from school. Also seeing diff men in her house becuz her mom was basically a +$%@. My wife hasnt told me much about her childhood, but she has told me she was raped when she was 9 years old and has never dealt with it professionally. I think something happened with her brother as well, but she is too scared and embarrassed to talk about it, but I have a feeling it was a sexual assault as well. She went through seeing abuse from her dad to her mom adn step mom. Never her getting hit, but witnessed it enough. I am going to bring up to the therapist that she needs to talk about this stuff, becuz I feel the marriage is great and this stuff cant be held in any longer. Its causing too many problems and is messing her up bigtime. The good thing is that she wants help and knows it. Too much bottled up through the years and maybe her mom taking off is causing it to surface. The fact she has everything she has always dreamed up and feels she doesnt deserve it is another issue in itself. Maybe when we got our really nice house, that could have triggered the depression. To me those arent marriage problems, so are problems she has to fix becuz its affecting the marriage. I just dont want her to give up or its going to tear the family and everything we've built together apart. Please help with any advice you might have
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replied February 13th, 2012
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Hi Mustaine,

I think you are over analysing the situation and stressing her out more so than helping. She doesn't know the answers herself sdo why do you keep asking her. She has already tired of that and it paints you as the bad guy.

Let her be, just be around and love her and let her treatment do the work. You are blundering around asking the wrong questions as basically they are all about YOU as I read it. Sorry but that's how it comes over.

A few days on Cipralex would not cause that much reaction for that long.

You should not try and dominate the therapy session and in fact I'd suggest you do not go at all as she will feel restricted in what she can say. Go with her when SHE wants you to, not YOU.

It's her thoughts and emotions and you cannot do anything to change them. SHe has to work it out and do it OK.

Good luck.
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replied February 15th, 2012
I went to the therapy session becuz she wanted me to go so the therapist could offer some insight as to what the issues were. She said the depression is causing the questioning of the marriage. Things got better for a while, but when she came back from her vacation, the crash and burn effect hit her hard. winter weather, job, responsibilities at home, it all just hit her when she came back and she now says she feels like she did a few weeks ago. Im going to my own therapist today becuz of the anxiety and stress I feel and she is going to one tomorrow. We're both suffering and she feels terrible for how im feeling. I keep telling her its not her fault, its the depression, but the black cloud is so think its like she cant understand what im saying. I know I have to back off but its hard, i love her so much and feel empty without my wife of old back. I need her in my life. She did say she needs to go back on meds, becuz she cant do it on her own without them. She still tells me she loves me and wants everything to work out, so I guess thats the positive out of this. But mentally, im drained. I'll never understand how she feels, becuz im not there in her head.
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replied February 15th, 2012
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Hi again.

Yes depression will cast doubts on everything we hold dear and believe in. That's the nature of the illness. It makes you feel useless, worthless and thus unworthy of love or even friends.

You both need to concentrate on your own issues and worry about joint therapy sessions later. If you do go together you will be restricted in what you will say and feel offense at what is said. Unneccesarily.

I am glad you are both going to separate ones shortly. The key to therapy is honesty, being open and able to say everything that is in your mind. Don't hold back as if you doo then the therapist is handicapped and cannot help as muvch as they might.

You wil both feel distraught, tired, drained and all the rest for some time, pending good rersults from therapy.

Has anyone suggested meds to you, either of you? Meds won't cure you as it is the situation that needs fising, but they will relieve the symptoms to allow you to be more rational, both of youm and see things more clearly. This will also help therapy greatly as while you are more rational you are more likely to see things in perspective and not skewed, or poisoned, by depression.

Depression is a greedy, insidious and nasty illness and should never be underestimated. Even when you both feel better please be vigilant and continue treatment until you are ready to fly alone. And then, be ready to go back to the doc/therpist whenever needed.

Yes, backing off is hard and it is often also interpreted as lack of interest. But as long as you tell her what you are trying to do then she should understand.

Have either of you tried CBT? Brilliant, best therapy. Can be done by yourself, buy a book, or with therapists. Easy to understand but damned hard to put into practice. But it will come.
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