I am a 19 year old male and I am very "low" lets say. I feel like my life is crumbling faster everyday and I cant be bothered to do anything about it. so I decided to make a post to see if will help me at all ( kind of contradicting me last statement ). My problem is I can be bothered to do anything at all and I think maybe it is because I am addicted to the computer but I am not 100% sure on that my mum thinks I am addicted to gaming witch i do a lot of but i normally just surf the web and watch stream's of people playing games all day. MY mother has taking the computer away from me for weeks at a time to get me out and do something but to be honest i couldn't care less if she takes it way i just sit and watch TV then sleep or sleep all day if there is no TV just the other day my mum left for the weekend left me with 1 night's dinner and i couldn't be bothered going out to the shop to by any food so i just sat for a day and a half with out eating and I didn't even relies till my mother pointed it out i feel i was almost brain dead all weekend. I went to collage for most of this year and i pretty much dogged 50% of the classes but that was due to the fact the course was piss easy as it got the end of the year we had to submit a project on line and then hand in a paper copy the next week, i left it to the last 3 days to do it so did it and submitted it on line and this is the bizarre thing i didn't go and hand in a paper copy i just didn't go back to the college i told my mother that i failed but it was i never went to hand in the paper copy. I also think i have social problems i see my friends one's every 2 weeks max and that is normally to get drunk at some house party or club i have 4 friends that i left primary school with in to high school and i consider then my best friends they all made lost of friends in high school and now in uni and college but i didn't i just hang out with basically friends of friends and i never get close to any of them it feels like there my friends because they have known me for so long and it is my fault the my friendships are drifting apart just to day i was asked by text if i wanted to do any thing with 1 of my friends i didn't reply just i dont really no why think because i couldn't be bothered and i am a compulsive lier i lie to every1 my friends and family about every thing in the weekend i was asked if i wanted to go out but i said that "my cousin was over from spain and i hadn't seen him for 4 years so it would be sad just to leave him" i dont no if it is normal to lie about stuff like that but i do it all the time another example it was my best friends birthday and he live's in a city 1hour away i said months beforehand that i would go even my sister new i was going but on the day i really couldn't be bothered getting the train so texted my friend saying "my cousin was in hospital and i had to go see her and i wouldn't make the train" she was in the hospital but i wasn't going to see her cos i am a shitty human being. I also told my sis that the night was cancelled for some reason i cant remember the lie but i got caught cos my sister my my friend on the train i got a balling for my sis and mother and i dont think my friend took it to well be we r still friends. i booked a holiday with my friends to go to spain for a week paid for it and all this was about 2 months ago so a normal person would be well existed for it but not me and i am ment to be leaving in 19 days from now and i don't have a passport this is the only think i have needed to do for 2 months is get a passport and i just keep leaving it and i think about 400 is about to go down the drain. i have had several counsellors over the years school counsellors and independent one's because of some serous family issues over the years but they never did anything for me but sit there and w8 for me to talk witch if any1 new me would no i cant talk to some random person i don't no i don't even talk to my friend's or family about how i feel so it was pointless. since i am blurting out so much !**@! i did try this one thing my councillor asked me to do was to write what i was thinking down a paper this was about a year ago so wrote what i truly thought about on a particular day, feelings to fantasise and dont no if it is normal but i am truly sick in the head to how i act in public 2 completely different people 1 you would think normal guy other u would burn on a stake no joke that's what i would do to the person that was me on paper. I don't no if that is the same with other people u act differently in public compared to who i really are in you'r won head.
If you have read all this then thank you for sticking with it, i have never written anything like this about my self before and any comments about helping me in any way r very appreciated.
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