Depression Forum - depressed , scared , lonely

Mental Health > Depression Forum > depressed , scared , lonely

Do you know how doctors define clinical depression? Learn more about this brain disorder and types of depression that doctors diagnose here....

Q: depressed , scared , lonely

asked by: need2awaken on January 7th, 2009

New User

Hi everyone. My name is Michelle and I really need to talk to someone who understands this suffocating pain...chronic pain and ill health... chronic stress ... depression... anxiety... isolation... and loneliness. I found these forums in a desperate attempt to get help. I feel like I am suffocating and in a state of panic. It is 3:57am and I cannot even think about sleep... my heart beating fast and intensely strung out. It feels like I need to brace myself for the next awful thing to happen.

I guess I should talk about my reasons for being so upset. (where should I start?? lol...)

****** I apologize now for this is a very lengthy post... but it is my reality *********

I am a 25 year old woman who lives in Canada. I live with my husband and don't work or go to school... or do anything at all Sad

I have been very sick for over half of my life, with disabling symptoms piling up every year. I have been to every branch of western & eastern medicine, psychology, naturopathy, self-help books and endless nights of searching online for help and resolution. I still can't find treatment that helps with the symptoms... I still can't get a definite diagnosis, except that I have unexplained neurological damage in my nerves and muscles and 2 unexplained "lesions" in my brain.

I would like to explain my health problems, because maybe another user of the forums might recognize my problems and be able to offer some fresh insight.

I have had chronic pain in these areas since I was 15... a deep throbbing aching pain like having a bruise after being hit with a bat or like a severe sprain. It never goes away, and gets worse with any pressure at all (my clothes even hurt me sometimes)
- My neck (at C1,C2, and C7)
- shoulders (deep in back of shoulder blades)
- hands (especially my wrists and palms)
- spine (mid and lower)
- jaw (everywhere and near ears)
- knees, ankles, hips lock up
- this awful pressure inside the base of my skull where it connects to my spine... always a moment away from escalating to a migraine (migraines 2x a week that last for 2 days... pretty much have a migraine ~60% of the week)
- after years of dealing with this endless pain and stress, I have chronic fatigue, dizziness/vertigo spells, faintness, shakiness, very low endurance, nausea --- it reminds me a lot of how horrible one feels just before they get full-blown flu or cold , like that ill sinking feeling that hits you and then you know your gonna get sick
- I have a lot of mental fatigue and "foginess", hard to concentrate and stay focused, poor memory, poor speech/thought processes.. I feel like I am so frazzled and exhausted that my brain doesn't work properly anymore... I say the wrong word, or say the word incorrectly.. like with letters that don't belong or missing etc...or I forget what I was saying in mid-sentence. I do these things ALOT, like every other sentence. it is so messed up! and incredibly embarrassing and frustrating.
- I also have extreme sensitivity to anything...especially light, temp, sound, smell, taste, pressure. The change in volume from tv show to commercial actually hurts! A very bright light near by for long makes me feel achy everywhere and nauseas/weak, I constantly smell the faintest thing. The garbage is overwhelming, the house cleaner smells too strong I can taste it. I can only leave the plug-in light with a scent plugged in for around an hour a day otherwise I can taste it and feel sick. When I put moisturizer on my face I can instantly taste it, it is so gross I have to brush my teeth. The slightest pressure from the edge of anything (leaning against a table or holding my steering wheel, feels like I am leaning on a knife Sad

... how messed up is that??) I can never get comfortable when sitting or sleeping, so I never fully relax...constantly have to move to re-adjust.

And now, the worst possible symptom I could think of happened... About 6 weeks ago my vision got very blurry. I see distorted vision 24/7 with light flashes, "hallucinations" , wavy lines, moving patterns, I get "tracers" from lights, double vision that is not bad enough that I can't walk around n stuff but I can barely read. I can't read much more than a few paragraphs without getting vertigo and a headache. When I move my eyes along the sentences, the surrounding letters from the entire page start moving around and causing this static effect in my vision. I cannot read much more than 2 sentences without loosing my place. I usually end up reading a paragraph 3-4 times to actually comprehend what I read because it is so difficult and distracting that nothing really sinks in. I could barely read my xmas cards Sad

---- The overall effect is really hard to explain, but it reminds me of that static/distortion effect you see on TV when someone is wearing a stripy tie , and the stripes are wavy, distorted, has static, and flashes of diff lights etc. ----

Again, so sorry for the lengthy explanation! Sad

I am desperate and just pray to that the right person will hear me someday an be able to help. Thanks for listening to me Sad

On top of bad health, I have been beat down by bad event after bad event. Lost numerous jobs, an embarrassing resume, numerous car accidents, numerous collections and debts that i cant pay, lost 2 cars to bad luck (lemons!!), lost my home, death and sickness in family (incl. my previous miscarriages) , criminal charges against me where I am accused of something that is NOT TRUE, lawyer fees of 20-30 grand that i cant afford, car accident just before xmas... this week I am sick to say I must drop out of school for the 3rd and final time... and the only dream I have worked and longed for the past 8 years is dead...There is not a lot you can do in this world without the ability to read....work and school out of the question... and most of the average persons day at home involves the computer, TV, or a book... all of which are intense distress to use now. I do have a good advantage using a computer because my brain is able to type very well without seeing much =/ But I feel useless and worthless now, and am going insane.

Finally, by far one of the most damaging pains in my life is the lack of friendship. I have not had a girl friend to talk to in over 8 years. When I started getting seriously sick, when I needed it the most... my friends all ditched me one by one. It hurts so badly to be so lonely. I just wanted a friendly visit every once in a while, a girl to relate to, someone to look forward to seeing and be able to turn to. And being a friend is so joyful. I am very compassionate and will do anything for the people I love. I have a lot of fun and neat ideas I would love to discuss or explore with just one person I can call a friend. Just one person who shares my ideas and thinking and can relate to me.. I have this deep void that is overwhelming. I can often cry at the sight of others circles of friends.... I got married in June 2008 and had to pretend I had friends.. and chose girls to be my fake bridesmaids.. who ended up embarrassing me by ditching out most of the day/night and ditching my bridal showers and events etc.

I do my best to be a good friend to the people I meet. I take things slowly, offer to help out someway, listen to them and pay attention, be supportive and compassionate, and always empathetic. I am often told how people feel comfortable with me and enjoy my company. But the friendship never develops. Something awful always happens or they just vanish from life. There are times (maybe twice a year?) when I get to go out and hang out with "friends" , and I have a good time... But at the end of the day, I don't have a single friend who calls, who visits, who cares Sad

.
.
.
.
.

Anyone can guess that I have been deeply depressed for a long time now. I have had my episodes of depression come and go, and I always work through them. But this black cloud never lets me move forward. I have been hurt so so so badly, that I have reached a state of panic. Everything I have done to move forward and live my life has failed and blown up in my face. I feel like I am on Plan #325245. I don't know how to move forward anymore. I am at a complete loss of how to cope anymore and desperately need to live my life again...

Please help me wake up from this nightmare. Please help me find faith so I may pick myself up yet again. Please help me find a way to recovery, to rebuild, to move forward, to live my life, to be me again Sad

Thank you & My prayers go out to the many people here, may we all find peace and healthy lives

- Michelle

Replies(5)

sam00

replied on January 7th, 2009

New User

hii friend actually i ahave gone through ur problem ... i am not a doctor bt i think i can help uu i want to talk to on ph...

hec1986

replied on January 28th, 2009

New User

I understand. your not alone anymore

Space_and_time

replied on March 22nd, 2009

New User

Michelle, if you read this I'll be very glad, because what your about to read will hopefully show you you're not alone in this, it might be long but please don't skip a bit. I'm not a frequent visitor on this site but I stumbled upon this forum and decided I had to do this. Since probably nobody else could care to read this or try to understand, I figured I'd do something to try and represent my feelings through my own eyes on this matter.

I know your fear, I can just feel every bit of what you saying as if you're reading me like a book. If I was there with you right now I'd give you a hug for as long as you wanted. I know that being a single college student who never had a girlfriend in his life or anybody else in that manner of speaking that there isn't anything a comforting hug can't heal that's internaly damaged. The hardest part for me is finding it at the right place and time, which is so rare I wonder how I'm still alive.

I feel very much like you Michelle. Alone, depressed, a family that thinks I'm an embarrasment because I have Asperger's syndrome, so many people I miss and just want to see again since moving six years ago with mom & dad, and more than anything feeling like my life isn't going anywhere. I've lost many people from death as well and I miss them everyday especially a lady I met at a singles dance I sneeked into last year, she was a beautiful dark haired lady who took a liking to me and things went very well, even if she was 20 years older "I'm 22 by the way".

Unfortunatly she passed away last September on my birthday and I haven't been right since, it's as if all my weaknesses have flared up at once and are slowly killing me. She had been diagnosed with heart failure and didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to get upset and go overboard trying to save her life.

I promised her I wouldn't let anybody or anything harm her and I failed. I still see her friends at the singles dance every other week, but it's not the same because I can't connect with them for more than three minutes before they go to somebody else. It's the punishment I'm paying for my sins and for being such a bully after I was picked on during my childhood.

She made everything wonderful, I miss her everyday I wake up and would give anything to be able to feel her hug me again. She made alot of my fears and insecurities go away and now that she's gone I can't hug her anymore, hear her say I love you, or the aroma of that perfume she wore.

After she died I took the dress and the necklace I bought her because the dress still had her perfume on it as did the necklace. Dad however took it when I wasn't home and sold it for his own profit, and said he wasn't sorry for it either. The only thing I have left to remember her by is her picture on my cell phone, it comforts me when I can't sleep at night.

I'll never forgive my dad for what he did my mother won't say anything because she's afraid he might get angry, I hate him so much for what he did, I hate those teachers from my old school who used to beat me and verbaly abuse me too and I hope they go to hell for eternity because they thought they were better than anybody else because they were incredibaly rich.

I didn't mean to be a bad guy years ago, I just couldn't interpret anybody's intentions {couldn't tell the difference between being teased or being joked with friendly, or whether the girls where trying to get my "attention" or if they were playing one of their cuel jokes "like some do"} and because of that I'm paying a terrible cost.

Even when I try to start over or patch up the missing loose ends I only get so far and it never gets completed, and what's worse is that I can never move on or find somebody to connect with for more than three minutes at the singles dance, because they're intrested in somebody much better than me who's brain isn't so messy. If I was just given another chance I would not abuse it, I'd have so many wonderful stories to tell and talents to share with others who would benefit but nobody ever notices or appreciates.

I also promised myself I'd never abuse any woman in my life no matter what the circumstance. I'd seen so many battered women in my life it angers me, and I've grown to hate anybody who did such a hateful act. I also said to mom & dad they would never have any grandchildren because I'd be ashamed to be called "dad" after all the stupid mistakes I've made with myself.

I won't resort to suicide ever because it's too risky, because if it fails I'd be much worse off then I am now. My friends abandoned me too after grade school, one lost his father eight years ago and since then the whole group dissapeared off the face of the earth.

Even my best friend, who despite growing up impovershed is now doing excellently, and I feel like I'm slowly waiting to die because no matter what I do I can't seem to win.

I also have hightened sensitivity like you've described in every way, sadly everyone purposly makes noise when I least expect it just to see me get upset because it hurts my ears. The full body ache I understand too, not only right now is it happening to me but my fingers are shaking as I type this.

Your husband ought to be suppportive to you or else you should tell him to take a hike because if he dosen't even notice that something's hurting the woman he said "I do" with in front of god, many other people, and the departed above he'd be yelling "YES, SIR" by the time I got done lecturing him, I'd do anything I could to take care of you if I was him. There are so many ways of treating depression than there ever were years ago and I know some have to work, I don't have the option to try them because mom & dad always try to act like everything's just fine especially in front of their ignorant friends.

I certainly would have when my lady was still alive, if I had known she was going to die I'd have given all my money, posessions, or anything worth value that could have made it possible to save her life.

When she was alive I loved her very much and did my very best to protect her, we even decided in August we would go to California and live there happy, but I'm still in hell even six months since she died, and maybe with any luck my heart will just stop beating one day the human heart can only take so much.

There is hope for you, you have to be the one to take action. For you it's not to late but for me it probably is.

samantha87

replied on March 22nd, 2009

New User

my opinion

Michelle, you need a day out to clear your head a park, a day with the family, and you need time to think about life and how you are going to fix things instead of being depressed. i have had alot of painful times through my life and i am only 22, i also have bad heath, money problems, family that has gone to prison or have died, and i know how it feels to have "friends" ditch you and betray you. first thing you should do is make a "gameplan" for your life..where you want to be in a year or even 5 years, try to make goals. I have had one abortion when i was 14 because i was raped by a friend of a family member and now when i am engaged and trying to get pregnant i cant..i work i have been with my finace for 4 years and now i want a baby, and i will keep trying even tho i have lost 2 babies since the age of 19. but about you, you have to stop complaining about things you cant change and start trying to fix what you can. i know how painful being depressed is and i have tried to commit suicide 3 times in my life, i have been trying to "get my life on track" and its finally working. you cant just sit home and do nothing, it makes you even more depressed. get out there, take yor husband to dinner, go to a bar and try to meet new people. you need a true friend who can depend on and someone who is there when you dont have anyone else to talk to. life goes on, and you have some bad luck but you have to get yourself through it and you can get through it. depression and stress does make your body hurt. try and have a day to yourself where you are relaxed,calm, and try and enjoy life.

adjaratou

replied on October 2nd, 2009

New User

Michelle, I really think I can help you by being your friend. People are here for you, and I believe in love and affection. Write me i will help you, I am positive. Everything will be fine GOD willing.

Learn About Us

Get Help

Join In

Do More

We comply with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health
information:
verify here.

The site is not a replacement for professional medical opinion, examination, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your medical doctor or other qualified health professional before starting any new treatment or making any changes to existing treatment. Do not delay seeking or disregard medical advice based on information written by any author on this site. No health questions and information on eHealth Forum is regulated or evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and therefore the information should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease without the supervision of a medical doctor. Posts made to these forums express the views and opinions of the author, and not the administrators, moderators, or editorial staff and hence eHealth Forum and its principals will accept no liabilities or responsibilities for the statements made. Schizophrenia health sitemap.
This page was last updated on January 1, 2009.
© 2008 eForums, Inc