I am also glad that you found this site. There are some outstanding people on here that would do anything to help you.

I am sorry to hear about your loss, there is not much more pain, even physical, that a person can feel that compares to loosing a loved one. It is natural, humbling, and healthy to mourn the loss of one we care for, however if it becomes a lifestyle it is destructive.

The clues to overcoming this pain can be found at almost any funeral for example. What you will see at most is a group of people feeling an intense amount of pain as they struggle to come to grips with the loss they feel. What you also usually see are periods, in between sobbing, of laughter, and an intense feeling of gratefulness for having known and loved the individual. We cry, we laugh, we love as different thoughts are shared about the loved person.

Then the next day comes, and those who lived closest to the person feel the complete uncertainty of living life without the one they love so much. For some time they are left with a great feeling of loss, of emptiness, that usually only Dr. Time has the cure for. For some, experiencing this loss becomes a cruel curse they are unable to escape.

What I have done during my own times of mourning is to devote my attention to memories of the love that was shared, and remembering all the qualities that made them so special. Recognizing the true gifts they offered as lessons where they taught me to be a much better person, and cultivating gratitude for having the great fortune to have lived by their side. This is what I believe the true message of passing is meant to be for us who loose someone we love so dearly.

What would your loved one prefer to have you do, feel the pain of their death, or gain the joy of their life? We honor them by the anguish we experience in their loss, but we give them part of our being by celebrating the joy we found in their existence.

For you, I do not for one second believe you made it to this site by accident. You were brought here not by mistake or chance.

Your family has no understanding what you feel because they cannot feel what is inside of you, that is yours alone. I do however agree with them in one respect, that is, you are not 'sick'; you are in pain, and there is a difference.

Many will disagree, but the medication cannot help, as you have found. Only for some time if any. Sometimes the drugs may temporarily remove the pain, but it is only we that decides if it will be allowed to return or not.

You must redefine what your life means. Decide now to no longer give your energy to the misery you have felt, and commit to finding and living your bliss. Ignore the ills, and live only for joy. Deny all that is unsatisfactory and choose to only see the beautiful.

Stay here for a while, read what these great people have written for you. Allow their mistakes to be guiding lights for you of what to not do. All that works and all that does not, is here already lived out.

Never have a thought of taking your own life, but rather of living it to its fullest potential. When those dark emotions arise, stand strong and scream at the top of your lungs with all your passion, "BEGONE FROM ME, FOR NOW I AM THE VOICE !!!"

Keep writing here, tell us your pain. And also, don't just speak of what pains you, express that of which you love.