I'm not sure where to start...I had a traumatic childhood, and have severed ties with my mother. I feel better for having done that, because it was making me ill having communication with her. I now feel an immense sense of loss, which is made worse by the fact that my body has decided it's 'baby time' and my husband isn't ready. I feel like if we have a child I can start creating my own family instead of hoping that one day my family will become the sort of people I always hoped for - supportive, loving and unconditionally there for me.

I love my husband very much, and our life is great. I live in his country, but I haven't had much luck finding friends here who I really connect with. Most of the time I feel fine and can't believe how lucky I am to have been able to leave my unstable life in Europe, and start again from scratch in America.

Sometimes though, it's like something just trips in my head and I get really emotional. I've been suicidal before, and now at times times thoughts of death still pop into my head. Strangely, I'm quite accepting of the idea if things don't work out, like fate. I just know that if we ever separate I'll kill myself, and if we don't start the family I need, then I won't want to live either.

I haven't had a stable family life since I was 10. My mother and her husband dumped me on my father's doorstep. His wife didn't want me there either, so I got 'passed' back and forth several times until I left home. I know I can be a difficult person to be around sometimes, as I'm really sensitive to any form of rejection. I freak out and cry a lot, then feel embaressed afterwards.

My husband says we can have kids eventually, but I'm 33, and I don't want to risk leaving it too late in case we can't conceive. He's got a good job with benefits, and we rent a 3 bedroom house. He just wants to wait so we can have more time together before we start a family. I understand that, and I'm trying really hard to not put pressure on him, but when all these emotions come over me, I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone to talk to really, and feel like I need a mother now more than any time in my life.