Let me begin by saying I know that there is more than one side to every story. Hearing one side of a story, as most people know, it can be biased and told in their favor. I am not trying to make this sound any worse than what it is, I'm just looking to tell my story. Its very hard to understand where I am coming from without knowing my past. If you don't have time to read this, or get bored along the way I understand, no one I have around me is willing to listen to it either.
I know everyone has had hardships in their life. I know I am not the only one that feels this way, and I know that people have it a lot harder than I do. I've had my fair share of bad things happening in my life.
It started when I was younger. I grew up as an only child til about the age of 4-5. I had two brothers on the way, and our family was growing bigger. Once my brothers were born, my Mom and Dad fought constantly. There was always police at my house, and my parents were always drunk and fighting. About the age of 9 my parents split up. They were never married, but they stopped living in the same house. My brothers and I went to live with my Mom, and my Dad went on living his life. About the age of 11, everything was going alright. I lived with my Mom, saw my Dad almost every weekend. I kept great grades in school, straight A's 4.0+gpa. Then one day, my Mom and her boyfriend wanted to move across the United States, multiple states away. I had the choice whether or not to stay with my dad. My brothers at the time were young, and as much as I didn't want to leave my school or friends that I did have, I went with my Mom and brothers. I didn't want to let them have to be on their own. I guess you can call it being a good brother, but I wanted to protect them. I took care of them most of the time we lived together, and I kind of played Dad to them then anything. Well we eventually moved and things were going great at our new house. I hated my Mom for moving so far away and I was sad that I couldn't see my Dad anymore. Things got better though. I started school, made new friends, we were living in a nice house, nice neighborhood. But then things started going bad. My Mom and her boyfriend started making good money, but got addicted to drugs. They started doing Meth and other drugs and bills started going unpaid. Electric was shut off, we were running our house with a gas powered generator, it was the worst thing ever. My little brother has a deficeny and had to take shots twice a day for vitamins, to help him grow. Well my Mom was using his needles afterwards to shoot up with. Things needless to say went down hill. We were evicted out of our house, we moved in with someone living in a nasty apartment. We stayed in motels that were infested with roaches. Eventually I had to call an end to it. I told my Mom that we needed to call my Dad and that he needed to come get us. She could no longer take care of us and I was scared. She knew she was addicted badly and didn't want to see us go down any longer, so she gave custody to my Dad. He came and got us, and we left with just the clothes on our back. We had no toys, nothing. We moved back in with him and started life once again. I was about 13, I went back to my old schools, met my old friends again, tried to fix things but most of my friends stopped talking to me. But I moved on. I started getting friends again, going through middle school and high school. Although I was still doing good in school, things werent going good at home. My Dad and his new wife got sick of having us around. They lived together while we were gone, so they were used to that lifestyle. They werent used to having 3 kids to take care of, and look after. It was hard trying to merge us into their lives. We were constantly told we werent wanted, and that they wished they would have never came and got us from our Moms, and wishes we would still live with her. This went on for most of my highschool life, up until about 17. Things were still rough at my house, but I kept pushing on. I kept jobs and worked off a car to drive. I got my license and had a decent job. I started college and started talking to a girl that I went to high school with. I had a crush on her during highschool, but we never really went farther than friends then. We started seeing eachother on campus all the time, going and hanging out with friends, and eventually we started dating. Life was going so well, I had a job, a car, a girlfriend. To be honest, I never really had girlfriends growing up. Not that I am unattractive, I just never really got into any relationships. She wasn't my first girlfriend, but she is my first real love. Anyways, things were going great. School started to become a lot of stress, and my parents were really starting to push me over the edge. My girlfriend lost her dorm room and was going to move in with me. Our plan was my parents were going to help us find an apartment, help her get her license, get another car, it was all a good plan. She moved in and my parents didn't really seem to like her. Things got worse at my house, and my parents snapped one day over nothing and wanted us out. My Dad and his wife kicked us out, told us we were no longer welcome at their home. We had to pack our stuff and that night we called my girlfriends Dad and moved over to his place. Me and my girlfriend were closer than ever. I still kept my job, she didn't have one at the time, and I kept my same plan. I wanted to get an apartment, help her get a car, etc. I was still so happy. I finally met someone in my life that loved me for who I was, not judging me, or making me feel bad about myself. She helped me through so much, like losing my family when they kicked me out. She was there for me when no one wasnt. We both got jobs, and ended up getting our apartment, she never got a car, but we shared mine. Things were going awesome. School was still not an option, it had gotten messed up through financial aid, and I didn't know how I was going to pay the money I owed. Me and my girlfriend were doing amazing. We always saw each other, never really had bad fights, just little arguments over stupid things. Then one day I went to work and was finding out that they were closing. I was losing my job, and I didn't know what we were going to do. My roommate that helped pay the rent and bills also worked at the same job, so we both lost our jobs. My girlfriends paychecks werent enough to cover it, so we ultimately lost our apartment. Things started turning for the worst. We moved back into her parents house and we didn't really get along with her family. They never really liked to include us in things, and it was just sort of awkward. My girlfriend and I started arguing a lot more, and things started to get really rough. We were always broke, we both smoked weed, only she had her job and her hours were getting cut. We got into a fight one day, and ended it. She said she couldn't keep doing it, and she just felt guilty that I didn't have my family because she felt it was her fault they kicked us out. She told me she wanted to work on her, and that she needed time to get herself straightened out and that I should do the same. I was devastated. This girl was my world. She meant everything to me, and still does to this day. I love her so much. I tried to apologize and tell her I would change, but nothing worked. I just pushed her farther away, and shes blocked me on facebook and changed her phone number. When we broke up I had no where to go, and had to call my dad and ask for a place to stay. He lets me stay with him, but I feel like a guest here in “our” house. My brothers tell me constantly that its “their” house and that I haven't changed a bit, and just being jerks. I am majorly depressed. I dated my ex girlfriend for almost 2 years. We lived together, did everything together. I had my whole life planned with her. Now, she doesn't even care to talk to me, and my life is going to hell. I've been getting mixed in with drugs, and smoking weed constantly. The cops have been called on me because of it all, and I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. I miss my girlfriend so much, and I feel like everything is my fault. I've told my Dad I think I need to see the doctor about depression, but he doesn't think thats the right thing for me.
Theres more to the story then whats just there, a lot more. I just can't get out of this slump, it seems like more and more is going wrong, and there is no hope. I don't know what to do, I'm so unsure of everything. I don't have any friends once again, and like I said my family isnt really helping either. I know people wont have the magic word to make all of it go away, and to be honest I don't know why I am posting all of this on here, maybe just as one last chance to feel better. I don't know. I'm 19 now, and don't really have many life goals. My life has faded to black since I broke up with her, and I just can't get over her. I'm so sick of hearing everyone has their first love, and I know thats true but it was different. She wasnt someone I just wanted to give up on, and everything. She lost her sister to suicide and it really hurt my ex. Shes been through a lot, and I've thought about dieing before, but its like I never thought I could do it because I couldn't put her through something like that. She stopped talking to me, and I told her I was going down the wrong path and that I was getting into drugs and everything, but she doesnt care about me anymore. She has moved on, and wants me to do the same. But I cant. I just cant, I dont know why but its so freaking hard. And I keep telling myself each day, how can you love someone so much that its all you think about day and night, but they don't love you back anymore. She doesn't care at all anymore and its making me feel more depressed as the days go by. I don't want to do anything stupid, but its getting harder and harder each day. I always told myself I was stronger than it, and that I couldn't do it to her, but each day I'm slowly not caring. I don't know what to do, I'm so confused.
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