hi, i've never been on a site like this so I hope I am doing it ryt.
anyways, i just wanted to know how other people deal with this kinda stuff cause i am very lost in the world at the moment.
never had many friends, but then i went on a 3 month exchange to south africa, met a guy, and made so many friends. i was very depressed in my last week and when i got home i had no urge to live at all.
i talked to my guy-friend who told me nothing can work out between us long distance, shortly after he told me he cuts himself.
now feeling even worse i started to do the same. i gouge my calf up every week that goes by since i got home because i want to be back in SA so badly with my real family. **btw, i have no family problems here at home**
anyways, i dont cut myself bad, i just started, but its not emotional for me either. i just want permanent reminders of the pain i live through of not being in my REAL home. my friends here are all leaving me, and my school is divided into serious cliques. i am in the "loner" one and dont really have friends.
anyways, i dont want to stop cutting because i feel proud that i am not letting go of my family in SA, but my guy friend told me it was about tym i let go of all that.
i just kinda, live on, you know? climb out the window each night and walk around in self pity and agony. i live in my room.
problem is i cut my leg REAL bad, and its quite a few weeks now i did it, and i am having serious troubles walking and getting up stairs and stuff and I am scared my parents are going to ask whats up, or see my arms because i never used to wear sweaters but always do now.
i want to tell the 1 or 2 close friends i have right now, but i have issues with trust and never in my life have spoken to this with anyone. see, if I was in SA i could have told so many of them and they could help, but they are on the other side of the world and telling wont do anything, becasue bbm messages only do so much...
sorry for making you all read so much, i just have never spoken about this before.
Hi you !
I just registered in this forum and even if im not a doctor i cant be silent after read you message. Obviously you need help. I dont know your age and i dont know if your are at school or not. But firstly i understand what it is to be alone and many people are so if you need to talk you can message me. I cut myself too before during long years but i stoped after went in hospital for serious depression and i understood many thing. Firstly dont do that, you should see a doctor if you have the energy because it exist pills who can stop this feeling. If you cut yourself it because you scream help in silence even if nobody can see, so apart hurt yourself and let you scar on you body it ll change nothing. You cut yourself because your pain and your stress is so big and unsuportable to live with, so you prefer have a visual and physical pain that make you forgot what is your real pain. Seriously try to stop and talk with someone, a professional or not and try to go back in South Africa, you have a beautiful aim and dream, its you mission so try to express yourself diferently. By writing, the music, a blog or just see a professional.
Hope you ll be ok and take care!
Wow. You had a lot to say a very few words, and there’s a lot of really strong emotion behind those succinct words. What I’m hearing is that you are really unhappy, struggling to find a way to feel better, feeling lost and alone and isolated and that what you’re doing to solve all of those problems is cutting. Cutting; to create physical pain and ease the emotional pain you’re feeling; leaves marks that you can see and touch, to remind you of what you feel you’ve lost; and which you don’t want to do, because you’re here asking for someone to hear you and understand and, help, somehow.
I get coming here. It should be a safe place to get some info and advice because, after all, it is a health forum, right? And there’s that sense of anonymity, you don’t have to give any details or worry your parents or friends will find out. Coming here means you’re still in control-but the cutting means you’re not.
People ask for help with things they know are going to impact them in a negative way and that’s what you’re doing. That tells me that you’re bright, reflective, and know inside, really deep inside, that you want to take a different direction than self harm to express yourself. I work with lots of kids and teens who are going through a similar process and have chosen the same means of self expression you have. Most of them, aren’t really happy with the cutting but it gives them some feeling, for some pain that is a contrast to the numbness they are feeling to protect themselves from what’s bothering them, for others it’s a euphoria which has the same effect-a moment of feeling different from that blank feeling they’ve created to protect themselves.
I don’t know which it is for you, but it’s pretty obvious from what you’ve written that you’re looking for a way out that respects and honors the loss you are feeling being apart from your new friends, family, self image, and sense of acceptance. I mean, there, you were seen differently than how it feels here and it sounds like you miss that. Truthfully I would too. It’s hard to feel alone. I would suggest that you let someone in, here. I know it’s not where you want to be, but it’s where you are. I’d be willing to bet there are people in your life who would be in a panic that you’re cutting-probably more than you could guess.
If you don’t have close friends you trust, and you don’t feel you want to talk about it with any family you might have, then go to a professional. Let someone listen. Let someone talk to you about how other people overcome cutting and then you can select things to try that fit who you are. Anonymity is fine for general advice, but letting someone see ‘you’ and what ‘you’ are feeling/experiencing is going to be more effective in getting some support.
People who cut aren’t crazy, they aren’t suicidal, they aren’t EMO’s, they aren’t weirdos, usually, they are just people who have really deep, internal emotions that they keep to themselves, who are struggling with something in their lives that feels (and usually is) out of their control. And my experience is, they’d rather have a different way to work through what’s eating them up inside. They just aren’t always sure how to go about doing that. I guess the big epiphany I hope you find here is that handling what you’re going through by yourself isn’t working right now because you’re hiding what you’re feeling, hiding what you’re doing, and it’s forcing you to be more isolated that you were before. Not a solution that’s going to work. Trust me.
Be part of the process of taking steps to heal. You already are, just by coming here and writing. Now do more. Find a professional and get some support. If your biggest concern is privacy, talk about that with the professional first. They’ll be up front about what they can and can’t do and then you can decide what you want to say until you feel a sense of trust. If you go to someone you don’t click with, then be vocal about it. Try someone else. Keep talking about it. Keep looking for those people you can be yourself around. They are out there, but you have to watch for them. They are like you. They have a front to protect themselves, too-like a shell, like armor.
I’ll look back here in a day or two and see if you wrote anything else or had any questions, but really, Depressed and Life-less, you need to let someone who knows about this kind of stuff talk to you about it. You really don’t sound like you want to be this unhappy. There’s other ways to feel proud of the connections and identity and relationships you developed while you were away on your exchange. There’s better ways to maintain that sense of belonging. Your guy-friend is right. You don’t have to let go of expressing what you’re feeling, but you do need to let go of the cutting. It’s just going to make you feel more alone.
***I hate that. How nobody gets what it means or why I did it. My life sucked. You life sucks right now. Good news is, it can be different. Everyone’s reasons are different. I go to a support group with some other kids who were cutting too. Maybe there’s one around where you live.
***The thing that was hardest was when people first found out. NOBODY trusted me. It was like having someone breathing down my neck, watching every move I made and it made me close up even more. But I get it now. Did I enjoy it? F*ck NO! (Wonder if the auto check on this thing would actually let me spell out the whole word? ~L~ Probably I’d get ‘deleted’)Gotta tell you though Life-Less. I’m glad I got found out. I mean, I wasn’t then. I was seriously angry. It was like they weren’t hearing what I was SAYING with what I was doing, only SEEING it. I was doing some serious damage. Cutting for me was like talking without speaking. I kind of wanted people to notice, but I didn’t want them to notice either. I know, I know, that’s a completely contradictory statement BUT IT’S TRUE!!!!
***So, what are you going to do about it all. Obviously you can’t go back to Africa now. Doesn’t mean you can’t work towards that if that’s what you really WANT. Can’t have a long distance relationship with your GuyFriend. Never works. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. (He just moved away, not even that far, but, sucks but just doesn’t work. Miss him, but, I figure there must be a reason. Must be someone else out there I’m supposed to meet.)
***So are you just cutting because he does? I kinda wondered when you said he cuts and then suddenly you cut. Not that I’m criticizing, just curious. Is it like, in MEMORY of him? It’s not emotional for you? How could it NOT be emotional for you????? After I cut I used to cry and cry and cry and then sleep like a baby for hours. It was such an emotional drain for me. It was like everything I had inside all bottled up that I couldn’t tell anyone would just POUR out of me and I’d be empty and at PEACE for a while. Too bad it never lasted.
***You at least had FRIENDS. 3 new schools in 5 years for me. I HATE moving. I hate my dad’s JOB. Why are your friends leaving? You PUSHING them away? You DIFFERENT than them? They MAD at you or JEALOUS of your experience? What’s going on???
***I still feel a little depressed lots of the time. I have to take life one day at a time. I know things are going to get better but WHEN? I want it all to be exactly how I want it right now. And it’s not. And it isn’t going to be in the near future. So, I’m gonna work with WHAT I’VE GOT.
***What are you GONNA DO????
***Anyhow. I don’t have a lot of friends to hang out with right now. Maybe I can’t do anything to help how your feeling and I’m not sure I have any advice, but I kinda know how you FEEL. F*ck. I don’t know why LIFE has to be so COMPLICATED Hang in there!! It’s GOTTA get better! That’s what I keep telling myself. (Some days it’s even TRUE).
***Maybe you have some advice for ME.