Wow. You had a lot to say a very few words, and there’s a lot of really strong emotion behind those succinct words. What I’m hearing is that you are really unhappy, struggling to find a way to feel better, feeling lost and alone and isolated and that what you’re doing to solve all of those problems is cutting. Cutting; to create physical pain and ease the emotional pain you’re feeling; leaves marks that you can see and touch, to remind you of what you feel you’ve lost; and which you don’t want to do, because you’re here asking for someone to hear you and understand and, help, somehow.
I get coming here. It should be a safe place to get some info and advice because, after all, it is a health forum, right? And there’s that sense of anonymity, you don’t have to give any details or worry your parents or friends will find out. Coming here means you’re still in control-but the cutting means you’re not.
People ask for help with things they know are going to impact them in a negative way and that’s what you’re doing. That tells me that you’re bright, reflective, and know inside, really deep inside, that you want to take a different direction than self harm to express yourself. I work with lots of kids and teens who are going through a similar process and have chosen the same means of self expression you have. Most of them, aren’t really happy with the cutting but it gives them some feeling, for some pain that is a contrast to the numbness they are feeling to protect themselves from what’s bothering them, for others it’s a euphoria which has the same effect-a moment of feeling different from that blank feeling they’ve created to protect themselves.
I don’t know which it is for you, but it’s pretty obvious from what you’ve written that you’re looking for a way out that respects and honors the loss you are feeling being apart from your new friends, family, self image, and sense of acceptance. I mean, there, you were seen differently than how it feels here and it sounds like you miss that. Truthfully I would too. It’s hard to feel alone. I would suggest that you let someone in, here. I know it’s not where you want to be, but it’s where you are. I’d be willing to bet there are people in your life who would be in a panic that you’re cutting-probably more than you could guess.
If you don’t have close friends you trust, and you don’t feel you want to talk about it with any family you might have, then go to a professional. Let someone listen. Let someone talk to you about how other people overcome cutting and then you can select things to try that fit who you are. Anonymity is fine for general advice, but letting someone see ‘you’ and what ‘you’ are feeling/experiencing is going to be more effective in getting some support.
People who cut aren’t crazy, they aren’t suicidal, they aren’t EMO’s, they aren’t weirdos, usually, they are just people who have really deep, internal emotions that they keep to themselves, who are struggling with something in their lives that feels (and usually is) out of their control. And my experience is, they’d rather have a different way to work through what’s eating them up inside. They just aren’t always sure how to go about doing that. I guess the big epiphany I hope you find here is that handling what you’re going through by yourself isn’t working right now because you’re hiding what you’re feeling, hiding what you’re doing, and it’s forcing you to be more isolated that you were before. Not a solution that’s going to work. Trust me.
Be part of the process of taking steps to heal. You already are, just by coming here and writing. Now do more. Find a professional and get some support. If your biggest concern is privacy, talk about that with the professional first. They’ll be up front about what they can and can’t do and then you can decide what you want to say until you feel a sense of trust. If you go to someone you don’t click with, then be vocal about it. Try someone else. Keep talking about it. Keep looking for those people you can be yourself around. They are out there, but you have to watch for them. They are like you. They have a front to protect themselves, too-like a shell, like armor.
I’ll look back here in a day or two and see if you wrote anything else or had any questions, but really, Depressed and Life-less, you need to let someone who knows about this kind of stuff talk to you about it. You really don’t sound like you want to be this unhappy. There’s other ways to feel proud of the connections and identity and relationships you developed while you were away on your exchange. There’s better ways to maintain that sense of belonging. Your guy-friend is right. You don’t have to let go of expressing what you’re feeling, but you do need to let go of the cutting. It’s just going to make you feel more alone.
Hang in there!! It’s GOTTA get better! That’s what I keep telling myself. (Some days it’s even TRUE).
Saving 
