Depressed and in need of a divorce

I'm not even sure how I got in the position I'm in, and I'm not sure why i'm writing my story here on the internet. I guess in a way it makes me feel like I have someone to talk to, someone "normal" to tell me their opinion. i've been married 11 years, 2 wonderful children. The last 5ish years have been terrible. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I was dead or had a divorce. My husband is very controlling, he's not abusive or anything like that. I have no friends. I'm not "allowed" to go anywhere alone, even when I need to go to the grocery store it's always "let's all go". In order for me to go to the grocery store for my 'free time' I have to put up argument. He doesn't understand that people need alone time and sometimes i just want to go to the store alone and be able to the turn the radio up as loud as I want!!! I feel smothered, EVERYTHING I do he's RIGHT there. Even when I go to the bathroom, he's right there behind me!!! When I take a shower, he's got to come into the bathroom and just has to tell me something right THEN, as if it couldn't wait 5 minutes. I've brought this up to his attention and he instigates a fight every time. I've never done anything to betray his trust. him on the otherhand has lied to me, many many times. He has a drug problem, nothing hardcore, and for the majority of our marriage has lied about it. I've told him I don't have a problem with the drugs, as long as he doesn't lie about them. Well he did, and has and probably will continue to. Every time I find out it turns into being my fault because he's scared to tell me because of the way i will act. Ummmm....ya think I'll be mad? duh! Over the past few years he has backed me into a corner to quit my job and become totally reliant on him. he works on the road usually Monday-Friday and it didn't make any sense to pay a sitter when I could stay home with the kids for the same $. I have the kids 24/7!!! While I do enjoy being home with my children, I do need adult time too. I've broke down and cried to my 10 year old many times because he's all I have to talk to. I know that's not the right thing to do but sometimes i can't help it. I have no money for a counselor, I've checked into it and they want nearly $60/hr!!! I was never brought up knowing anything about church, and have only set foot in a church 2x in my life. As embarassed as i am to admit, I don't know the first thing about God. i literally have NO friends. i've tried leaning on my mother but she's a cold shoulder and doesn't offer much support. When he comes home on the weekends his his weekend off, so he gets to do what he wants to do, afterall he has worked all week. <----his theory.... He gets laid off work every winter and I try to pick up hours @ my PRN job but this winter he has even stopped that. He claims he busts his butt all summer @ his job so I don't have to work, I see it as his ploy to control me some more. He refuses to see he has a control issue. He's made me feel guilty every time I do go somewhere alone. Even when I take my oldest child with me, I feel guilty and feel like I've got to hurry up and can't enjoy myself. He has a very bad temper and I'm afraid of leaving my children with him sometimes, again, he's NOT physically abusive but very verbally mean and flips off the handle screaming. I have no family to move to, I have no job to speak of for income to leave and he refuses to leave (even if he did I can't afford anything). 5 years ago I wanted to go to counseling, he didn't. Now he says he does, and i don't. i'm so past that point. We can't afford it anyways. $ is very tight I hold no feelings of love towards him anymore and quite frankly just watching him do things makes me sick and I think in my head "what a fat f@#$@# pig!" I'm not sure how I got so hateful along the years towards him. His normal day consists of waking up at 8am, while complaining he's soooo tired and he didn't get enough sleep (even though he's slept 10+hours), sitting around in his underwear in his recliner until 11am. MAYBE getting up and going fishing/hunting with a friend (that's if he's in a social mood tht day), taking another nap while the youngest naps, eating, sitting around watching tv for a few more hours, getting up around 8pm to take care of the outside animals (unless he can bribe the oldest child into doing it), sitting back in the chair, dozing off at 9pm, finally getting up at 10pm to actually go to bed. Anyways, I'm rambling and i'm sorry but needed somewhere to vent and maybe a litle advice. I really don't know wht to do. No one deserves to be this miserable, I deserve to be happy, at least I think I do and I'm not sure I can wait mentally until both of my children are 18 to move on with my life. I'm teetering on the edge!!!!