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Depressed and in need of a divorce

I'm not even sure how I got in the position I'm in, and I'm not sure why i'm writing my story here on the internet. I guess in a way it makes me feel like I have someone to talk to, someone "normal" to tell me their opinion. i've been married 11 years, 2 wonderful children. The last 5ish years have been terrible. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I was dead or had a divorce. My husband is very controlling, he's not abusive or anything like that. I have no friends. I'm not "allowed" to go anywhere alone, even when I need to go to the grocery store it's always "let's all go". In order for me to go to the grocery store for my 'free time' I have to put up argument. He doesn't understand that people need alone time and sometimes i just want to go to the store alone and be able to the turn the radio up as loud as I want!!! I feel smothered, EVERYTHING I do he's RIGHT there. Even when I go to the bathroom, he's right there behind me!!! When I take a shower, he's got to come into the bathroom and just has to tell me something right THEN, as if it couldn't wait 5 minutes. I've brought this up to his attention and he instigates a fight every time. I've never done anything to betray his trust. him on the otherhand has lied to me, many many times. He has a drug problem, nothing hardcore, and for the majority of our marriage has lied about it. I've told him I don't have a problem with the drugs, as long as he doesn't lie about them. Well he did, and has and probably will continue to. Every time I find out it turns into being my fault because he's scared to tell me because of the way i will act. Ummmm....ya think I'll be mad? duh! Over the past few years he has backed me into a corner to quit my job and become totally reliant on him. he works on the road usually Monday-Friday and it didn't make any sense to pay a sitter when I could stay home with the kids for the same $. I have the kids 24/7!!! While I do enjoy being home with my children, I do need adult time too. I've broke down and cried to my 10 year old many times because he's all I have to talk to. I know that's not the right thing to do but sometimes i can't help it. I have no money for a counselor, I've checked into it and they want nearly $60/hr!!! I was never brought up knowing anything about church, and have only set foot in a church 2x in my life. As embarassed as i am to admit, I don't know the first thing about God. i literally have NO friends. i've tried leaning on my mother but she's a cold shoulder and doesn't offer much support. When he comes home on the weekends his his weekend off, so he gets to do what he wants to do, afterall he has worked all week. <----his theory.... He gets laid off work every winter and I try to pick up hours @ my PRN job but this winter he has even stopped that. He claims he busts his butt all summer @ his job so I don't have to work, I see it as his ploy to control me some more. He refuses to see he has a control issue. He's made me feel guilty every time I do go somewhere alone. Even when I take my oldest child with me, I feel guilty and feel like I've got to hurry up and can't enjoy myself. He has a very bad temper and I'm afraid of leaving my children with him sometimes, again, he's NOT physically abusive but very verbally mean and flips off the handle screaming. I have no family to move to, I have no job to speak of for income to leave and he refuses to leave (even if he did I can't afford anything). 5 years ago I wanted to go to counseling, he didn't. Now he says he does, and i don't. i'm so past that point. We can't afford it anyways. $ is very tight I hold no feelings of love towards him anymore and quite frankly just watching him do things makes me sick and I think in my head "what a fat f@#$@# pig!" I'm not sure how I got so hateful along the years towards him. His normal day consists of waking up at 8am, while complaining he's soooo tired and he didn't get enough sleep (even though he's slept 10+hours), sitting around in his underwear in his recliner until 11am. MAYBE getting up and going fishing/hunting with a friend (that's if he's in a social mood tht day), taking another nap while the youngest naps, eating, sitting around watching tv for a few more hours, getting up around 8pm to take care of the outside animals (unless he can bribe the oldest child into doing it), sitting back in the chair, dozing off at 9pm, finally getting up at 10pm to actually go to bed. Anyways, I'm rambling and i'm sorry but needed somewhere to vent and maybe a litle advice. I really don't know wht to do. No one deserves to be this miserable, I deserve to be happy, at least I think I do and I'm not sure I can wait mentally until both of my children are 18 to move on with my life. I'm teetering on the edge!!!!
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replied April 2nd, 2012
Bless u,I'm in the same boat,But my husband was controlling not so much now,I just don't want or desire him no more,he blames my way of thinking on the BI-Polar,and I know because Im in this relationship it's making me worse,its just the little things that start adding up,I don't want to hate him,he's a great dad,to our 3 children,im financially dependant on him also,It scares the hell out of me,I just want out.......
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replied April 2nd, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Where did that man go that you married? I guess sometimes your husbands will be thinking the same about their wives.

Men don't like change. They marry a girl and she has to be like that forever and any change makes them terribly insecure. It was a bit unfair of the creator to give most of the advantages to those with less between their ears...
Men settle into a rut and it takes a special sort of man to keep respecting a woman who is too compliant. Women tend to be compliant for a quiet life... They end up by losing all respect for each other!

I can recommend joining a church group or a woman's support group or something...
If you can get out a bit and see a bit of life you might find life with your husband isn't quite as bad as you think it is!

Over here in the UK we don't have to pay for counselling and stuff and there are lots of support groups for men, women and couples but even then it is impossible to help those who don't want to be helped.

One thing is certain, although a lot of women would envy you your position it is driving you mad and dwelling on it is making it worse to the point where life is becomming intolerable - it is a vicious circle!
You have to break that circle somehow and to do that you have to have the support of friends or somebody and you have to be more assertive...

I suggest you begin by taking advantage of the time you have when he is out working to gather information on local support groups, church groups, women's refuges and so forth and you don't have to know anything about God to approach a church group.
Might be possible to obtain a divorce, if that is what you really want, from public funds - thats another question to ask...
How about welfare? If you found yourself alone with the kids do you know how others in the same situation manage not to starve? You need to know how to claim...

All these things are weapons for your armoury as well as who to call if he begins to turn nasty as you become more assertive. It might be necessary to make a complaint of assault to the local police or sherrif's office. Do you know how to do this?

I hope as you become more confident and assertive you will win back some of the respect your husband had for you when you married and you will then begin to see him in a new light...

If you are going to take no action to resolve your situation there is no point in complaining about it because this will only increase your discontent - either accept your situation and make the best of it or change it. There isn't any middle ground!
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replied April 4th, 2012
Yes your right Verne01,theres no middle ground thats why I have decided to bight the bullet and go for a separation,he's taking time for it to sink in before we tell the kids,that I'm not looking forward to ,but a woman shouldn't have to stay in a relationship if she's miserable just because of finances,Im scared ,terrified even,especially of how its going to affect the kids,(11,9\4),but I've lost my identity,got no self esteem left,but I have some great friends that will be there for me.............it makes my stimach turn now just thinking about it,I've been ecard for far to long..
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replied April 5th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
I wouldn't worry too much about the kids - cross that bridge when you need to. They tend to be more robust than adults expect. Chances are they already know something is wrong and many of the other kids at school will have divorced parents.
Change will upset everyone but people adapt and kids usually adapt quicker...

You clearly still have a few brain cells left and even though you might not know what you want, you know you don't want what you have and you are going to change things - that is all good!

You have only lost your identity inside your house. To your friends you are not Mrs. Bill Smith or whoever, you are known by your own name and liked for who YOU are and not merely for being somebody's wife...
Your self-esteem will return too if you want. Most people find their self-esteem begins by pretending they have some and acting the part.
If they make a few good decisions and are able to get things done through effective negotiation or communication it isn't long before putting your shoulders back and holding your head up becomes a habit. Friends who encourage you and applaud your successes will soon have you out of your shell again.

Even though I am not a believer in running to the divorce courts at the slightest excuse as some do, I wish you well in your forthcoming separation.

I believe most marriage problems have small beginnings that are allowed to get out of control. If somebody could bang the heads together of the couple early in a marriage things would be so much better...

They usually spend so much time and effort trying to change each other from things that they first found endearing but later irritating that things like courtesy and good manners became things of the past...

A marriage licence should be like a driving licence and be provided with a book of rules and a police force to enforce them...

At least a separation isn't a divorce. It will give you breathing space and time for adjustments to be made, especially by the children. It will give you chance to regrow as a person and then you will be able to look at your marriage through new eyes.
Hopefully your husband will be doing the same...

I suggest you make no plans further than that at this stage other than to give yourselves plenty of time before the final step...

Good luck!
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replied April 12th, 2012
My wife is the same way, when taking a shower she has to "tell" me something (normally a critisim of me) I cannot go to the store alone, we have to all go. I am not allowed to do anything by myself,and on the rare occasions that i do, I am on a time clock and the mileage on the car is checked. When I drove home from work and there was traffic, i knew i was in for a big fight. "There was no accident!" or she would check the milage and i would say it hasn't changed and then she would pull out a paper and say well it started out this much how come its now this much (like she wrote the correct number anyways. I finally told her, If you think i am cheating on you fine, then do something about it otherwise shut up. It stopped being an issue (but just that one thing). My opinon, there is something wrong with your man, You cannot fix it, only he can if he wants to.
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replied May 29th, 2014
make sure you lawyer up early if you do go through with it. the sooner you get a good lawyer, the better off you are. where are you based? I found this terrific lawyer in Barrie. anyway thats my best advice.
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