This is my second post on here in a year. The last one got very few views and next to no replies - none of which were helpful. Because of this I'm not really expecting help but it could prove useful but I just need to get this written down to blow off some steam about it and any thoughts you have I would love to hear.
I'm an 18 year old male and a virgin. I've been depressed since I was about 13.
I'm totally open about my depression and talk regularly with family and friends about how I'm feeling and what my thoughts are.
I'm depressed throughout the year but I also have SAD which affects me seriously around Christmas time (hence why I'm posting on Christmas eve).
I have never had a serious relationship and the only relationships I have had lasted 3 days and a week respectively. I hated the girls who I was seeing and only got with them because a) I was over the moon that someone thought I was attractive enough to go out with and b) I was getting some serious abuse about being a homosexual (because i never had a girlfriend) even though to the best of my knowledge I am 100% straight (Although I am somewhat homophobic so make of that what you will).
The reasons I'm depressed seem to differ. Girl trouble - not being in a relationship in about 5 years/losing my virginity - often comes up. At the minute the latter seems more important as I've just finished my first semester at University and all of my friends are having sex with a different girl each week. I don't feel the need to go and have a load of one night stands but the fact that they're so experienced at pulling and shagging girls is making me feel a bit inferiour. I used to be more bothered about not being in a relationship. I longed for companionship and closeness with another person and would get quite frustrated at not having someone for a simple hug, other than my mother. Another reason I get depressed is that I see futility in trying at anything because it is seems inevitably pointless as life is going to end one way or another and I'm a firm believer that after death there is nothing. Obviously most people come out with the old 'life's what you make it cliche's' with which i agree - but still can't help feeling that there's no point. This could prove to have serious consequences on my future as I'm currently reading for a degree in journalism which is such a competitive field that any lack of motivation could leave me well and trully buggered.
One of the major problems for me is guilt. I feel guilty about being depressed which adds to the depression as I think how pathetic I am to be depressed when I don't have any real problems. My family are all alive and well and I get on with all of them but find my father and sister to intollerably annoying at times. I get on really really well with my Mum and she's the person I turn to when I'm most down, unless it's Christmas Eve and she's got too much on her plate to be dealing with her suicidal son on what is meant to be the most joyous time of the year. She cares as much as I do about my depression and I often think that it's hurting her more to see me so down than it does me.
This feeling is one of the main reasons that I've never even attempted suicide. Another is a fear of the unknown what follows death. Whilst I think that there's nothing after death I wonder whether it's better to live the short time i have even though i enjoy very few things than it is to experience nothing for the rest of eternity. I could also prove to be incorrect and the Christians could be right and I'd go to hell for the unrepentable sin of suicide, but I seriously imagine that's wrong.
I also feel guilty about my personality. I'm quite brutal with my friends and most of them think i'm an argumentative, ignorant person who is stubborn and tells people what to do. I talk about people behind backs and shout at people but very rarely have the bottle to fight anyone and usually back out of it in a cowardly fashion. I am nice to people i like and people I don't know. I'm incredibly shy around strangers and attractive girls and can't really speak openly to either. I find myself stuttering and I just feel ridiculous trying to talk to them. I totally lack confidence when trying to talk to girls and have never asked a girl out despite the fact I realise that the worst thing they can do is say no.
I also have some weird fetish's like latex and S & M. Not self-inflicted but seeing girls being restrained and dominated sexually. I feel really dirty and perverted that I get attracted to these things. It's also odd that at the other end of the spectrum I'm only attracted to certain features like cute eyes and smiles. Unlike most other guys I'm not obsessed by tits and ass, although that could be because I've never got a hold of them.
The few things I do enjoy such as sports and video gaming I take very seriously. I can't take losing and react very badly to it. Especially if i'm alone playing a video game. I feel like a ragaholic, throwing things - punching walls or my head. I then usually have a breakdown where I just lie on the floor for 10-20 minutes till I can manage to get up and either do it all again or do something different.
I don't seem to have any ethics and whilst I never want to see anything, man or beast, being hurt or subject to violence I often seem to find criminals either on film or documentary as accessible figuers even if they've done some horrific things.
So, basically I'm depressed about being some perverted dislikable cretin and feel guilty for being depressed for such a poor reason as my personality and also guilty about my personality.
One big mess I'm sure you'll agree.
Cheers.
Saving 
