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Death of a child....

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I posted a brief summary a little while ago- at the time I really wasn't sure how much I wanted to share. I guess I try to keep
Myself pretty guareded. So I will better try to explain why I am here.
My daughter was dx with leukemia at the age of 3 1/2 this was in April 2000.
Leukemia is a cancer of the blood so treatment for it last 2 1/2 yrs, treatment meaning
Chemotherapy. She did well those 2 1/2 yrs a few little Hosp. Stays but nothing major.
16 months after she completed all her treatment her cancer came back. She was 7 at this point
She needed 2 more yrs of very intense chemo to try and cure her. It was a horribly hard
2 yrs, many many hospital stays. 3 months after her cancer came back
Our 21 month old son was dx with the same leukemia. Yes, it is vey rare to
Have siblings dx with the same cancer and we don't think there are any genetic
Reasons. I was the main care taker for my sick kids. I did all the hospital stays all the meds
All the caring for their central lines. My husband worked and cared for our other two older children
My daughter finally finished her 2nd round of treatment, my so. Finished soon after.
14 months after my daughter finished her treatment her cancer came back yet again. She was 10 yrs old
Our son has done very well and is currently 4 yrs cancer free, after 1 more year and he will be considered cured.
Our daughter now needed a bone marrow transplant for her only chance to survive
8 very long months at the childrens Hosp and our beautiful 11 yr old daughter passed
Away due to many complications. She fought cancer for 8 years. I have 8 years of horrible
Memories. I live every day with those memories and intense fear that our sons
Cancer will come back. She passes away 12/8/07. This time of yr is extremely
Hard not o ly on me but for my whole family.
I just recently went back to a therapist in hopes to find some help. She dx me with
PTSD and major depression.
Thank you for reading my post.
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First Helper yolicast
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Users who thank gresh14 for this post: samuelz63 

replied January 6th, 2011
My experience with PTSD after the death of my daughter.
I found your post after performing a google search on PTSD after the death of a child. My daughter Rayne passed away in Jan. of 2007 due to complications from an extremely rare nerve disorder called Guillian Barre Syndrome. It's an autonomic immune disorder in which your own body's immune system attacks itself, causing extreme pain and paralysis to the entire body. She was a perfectly happy and healthy two year old, that is until she started becoming violently ill after being vaccinated in late Nov. of 2006. She was dead a mere two months later. I started fervently researching this little known mystery illness in an attempt to understand what killed my little girl so suddenly, only to find more questions than answers. On the FDA's own website I found an article stating that there are at least 5 known cases linking vaccination to the onset Guillian Barre and subsequently death of the patient. I have no idea if they count my daughter among those 5. But alas, they claim there is not enough evidence supporting that it was caused by the vaccination and so I have no legal recourse. Due to the the sudden, mysterious, tragic, and seemingly unjust circumstances of my daughters death, I too have suffered the symptoms of PTSD and major depresssion for the last 4 years and have noted a significant increase in the severity of those symptoms. An anxiety attack I experienced just this past Christmas, 12/25/10, was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak and motivated me to final seek help. I can definantly sympathize with your plight and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.
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Users who thank theghostwithemost for this post: samuelz63 

replied June 14th, 2011
My psychiatist thinks i may have ptsd. I do not know much about it. The last 10 years I have lost both my parents (they were 78 and 69), my husband whom was 28 and my baby who was 1 day short of 4 months old from SIDS.
I was the one who found both my late husband and my daughter dead in their sleep. I do not remember their deaths most of the time. But, sometimes when I am asleep I will have flashbacks and wake up to a major panic attack and can't breathe which sets me off into an asthma attack. Is this normal?
It is very difficult me to see children her age. My nephew and her are only 8 days apart and look ALOT alike. He lives out of state and this past fall was the first time I had seen him in person. I found myself just starring at him. My brother already knew and was worried how I would handle it. we talked some about it before his visit.
Will these feelings ever go away?
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Users who thank maureenmo for this post: samuelz63 

replied August 30th, 2013
I do not like to talk about my 27 year old's death but since the 5th anniverasry of her pasing is just around the corner I think I need to talk about it or else i will be in a funk for the next 6 months. Alittle history, she became a heroin addict at a very young age and was never able to get that monkey off her back even after several stints in rehabs. I found near death once and was able to bring her back. When I got the call form the detective that was assigned to the case, I was on my way to work. The first thought that came into my mind was that she had been arrested for possesion. then, it suddenly started sinking in. A detective would not have called me and asked me to meet him at my worksite if it was just that. i started preparing myself for the worst but when I saw him I was the one that said "She's dead isn't she?" when he said yes, I can ony remeber the bloodcurdling scream that emanated from my throat. Everything else is a blur. So, after the funeral I isolated myself for a year. My bedroom was my sanctuary. I avoided any stimulus that had anything to do with drug use, recovery ( why them and not my child), and stories of parents that had a child that died. I had a bout of Bell's palsy and have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I am a registered nuse that worked in an ICU and was part of a team that saved many lives, including drug overdoses, and i questioned myself and God about why I couldn't do the same for my child. No, the feelings never go away but the intensity does diminish. Hypervigilence is my main problem. I am now more involved in family life but take sleeping med, Clonodine, and pain medications for my fibro. Some days are good some days are bad and some days are really bad. Don't kick yourself for feeling the way you do. the people that love you understand and the one's that don't should be slowly removed frm your life. I pray a lot and attempt to meditate when my brain can stand still so to speak. By the way, where I live there are alot of addicts that stand on traffic lights asking for money. My daughter used to do that and when see them it throws me into a severe anxiety attack and panic attack. i know I'm not doing them any favors, but I do give them money if i have cash on hand. it's funny but i try not to have any cash whenever i get out of the house. My thoughts are with all of you and I will include you all in my prayers.
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Users who thank yolicast for this post: samuelz63 

replied March 28th, 2014
Thank you all for posting these tragic stories of the passing of your loves ones. Your children and husbands and parents.For us mothers, we have gone threw the worst that life can throw at a person and unless you have gone threw it - you can't understand it. I lost my son at 20 weeks during my last pregnancy. It has been a year and at certain times - when I have had to go to the same E.R. that I lost him at - I look for him there. My mind snaps and I believe that if I just open the right door I will find him there healthy, fully developed wrapped in a blanket waiting for me. Does anyone else look for their child? Do any of you scream inside for them still? Or had you? Your comments have been so comforting to me - to know that there is a group of us out there who have been threw this. Maybe in different circumstances and different ages but still have know the scream, the irrational beliefs that lead you searching for them. And that one day we realize that we have something called p.t.s.d something I thought only war vets got. I feel like knowing that there is a name for some of the symptoms of loosing a child - that it makes sense to see it on paper in front of you, gives me a better understanding of myself now and leads me to be more compassionate towards myself. We will never be the same - we aren't supposed to be after such a loss. But we have each other and we can draw strength from one another and whatever family/children we do have left. We can find a way to make it as the person we are now. Love to you all and prayers to all.
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