Medical Questions > Relationships > Relationships and Marriage Forum

Dealing with sexual past

How many guys have less past than their girlfriends?
if you do have less are you bothered by their history?
if you have more than your girlfriend is she bothered?
100%  100%  [ 1 ]
0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 1
I have been dating a girl for 9 months. I am very bothered by the sexual past of my girlfriends and although i have a small past myself, I am very intimidated by her past. She has had 2 long term relationships where she did everything with them and 3 short relationships a month or so each and she had sex and did everything else with them and even a one night stand. She says she loves me and that she enjoys sex the most with me cause i'm sweet but 2 of her exes were very well experienced and could last for hours and were able to go all night and do anything to her. I know this because she told me very early on before we got serious. What advice can people give me to deal with this? I try to remember that shes with me now but thats because most of those guys left her, she didn't leave them. A bad side affect now is she says she used to want sex all the time with some of them but i notice her not wanting it much with me and i fear its because i'm not as good cause i'm younger and have less experience.
Did you find this post helpful?
|

replied July 16th, 2009
Experienced User
Man, I know how you are feeling.
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 8 months. He has had a lot of experiences in the past, (some of which I am not comfortable with) but I have to accept that one cannot change what is done. He has also had a few partners before me, but i accept that too.
Considering she has had several partners, it would be a good idea to make sure that both sides are free of and sexually transmitted diseases. That's on the health side of things.
It is a good thing that she is open with you about her past. She sounds like she is not hiding anything. Trust and honesty in a relationship is key. Although I understand it bothers you, it is better to know these things rather than not, or find out later on in the relationship.
Remember the past is in the past, focus on what you have in the present. Try not to compare yourself to others, but i know that's hard.
Get to know what she likes (even if it comes to asking) or do lots of experimenting. Even though she has been with other people does not mean she has done "everything." Relationships are an ongoing learning process.
This is how I overcame mine. ( I should mention I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, who had had sex countless times in past relationships. But we waited until I was ready). Coming form a former virgin (hardly any experience), we took it slow. We tried a lot of different things and the key is communication. If you like something, say so. If they like it, get them to say so. It doesn't hurt to actually ask what they like and don't like too.
Another thing I found that helped was talking it through when we had sex. Might seem weird, but not really if you are comfortable with each other. Take turns with ideas you want to try Smile ( And this can apply with stuff outside of the bedroom too).
It's okay to say that you don't have much experience too!! Smile That's what learning and practicing and perfecting are for. In a relationship, you work with each other to bring yourselves up.
And I know it is probably intimidating because she has had other experiences. There could be numberous reasons why she hasn't wanted sex lately (stress, etc). You could always ask. What matters is that you are both willing to try to make things the best for both of yourselves.
I know when I'm with my guy, i actually like that he has had more experience in a lot of different relationships. Why? Well, being as how I'm still learning the basics, when I do something he likes, and i mean, REALLY likes, its even more of an accomplishment because he's done it bofore (the comparison factor, which means if you could make an experience they had even better, than great!)
Don't feel the need to compete and don't feel down about yourself. She needs to know that you're still learning. Get her to teach you Smile And it's okay to tell her how you are feeling insecure.
Talk it over, be open with each other. All the best to you.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied July 16th, 2009
Supporter
maybe she doesnt want sex alot because she see's that it's not the only thing that is important in a relationship.
maybe she's trying something different b/c the old way of doing things didnt work.
keep the lines of communication open even when it comes to sex. she's with you now, so what ever happened in her past is just that.
sex suppose to be exciting, so if there is something that your unsure of ask her. you can learn anything you want to learn and be a pro at it.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 16th, 2009
Is it fair that she was much more sexual with them and even though I want it just as much she doesn't want to be as sexual with me? I also can't get their images out of my head. She told me details about them and it haunts me. What if the true reason she doesn't want it as much is because she doesn't like it as much with me?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied July 16th, 2009
Supporter
are you sure your not feeling insecure b/c of what she told you about her past?
i hear a lot of young people on this web site have a problem with the same issue your having.
listen, my by is 51 y.o and i am 33 years old. i have a horrible past, ive been with more guys than he has been with women. he loves me and accepts my past and it doesnt bother him nor does he bring it up.
texman2011,
you have to let it go and get those negative thoughts out your head. like i said before try working on being the best lover she has ever had, instead of thinking of what she has done in her past.......its over with!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 16th, 2009
I'm extremely insecure because of what she told me about her past. I constantly compare myself to her exes. Even though I don't know them I know the stories she has told me and she told me early on before we were even dating so she didn't hide many details. Even describing their "size" and their techniques and how long they could go for. When her and I started having sex she would want it three or four times back to back. I couldn't last that long so as I've been able to last longer she has adjusted to not wanting it as much I guess so now I'm like let's go again and she says no I'm fine and goes to bed. And all I can think about is her going all night with them but 10 minutes with me is enough for her to go to sleep. And she hardly ever finishes so it's basically when I finish once it's bedtime. But she said almost every time with her two exes it would be an hour or two act and so long she would be sore the next day.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 16th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
OK, stop
Texman you're getting hung up about this for no good reason. Nobody will ever have a lover with the same experience level. Even with two virgins, one of them has kissed or cuddled more. Dating a more experienced person is a privilege in your ongoing sexual education. Stop looking at it as a threat and realize that she can teach you things you might otherwise never learn. Experience is important, size matters, but the thing that makes someone a treat lover is trust. If you won't put faith in your partner to accept you as a lover, if you won't communicate with her about how to be better togather you're will disappoint her.

My instinct is to tell you to stop her from talking about her former lovers. It's making you neurotic and it's an unusual kind of behavior for anyone. However I wonder if maybe she's telling you all of this because she's trying to drop hints. Ask her about things her former lovers did. Use it as a jump-off point to open a discussion about what you two can do togather to have a better sex life.

Also you are entitled to have sex as much as your partner wants to have sex with you. Former relationships are not a ruler for what you deserve in bed with her. There are a lot of reasons women have decreases in sex drive and talking with them in an open-minded and supportive manner is the best way to bring the frequency you two have sex closer to where you want it.
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Users who thank W0LF for this post: starship33 

User Profile
replied July 16th, 2009
Supporter
i also want to add that my b/f can only make love to me once, he is not that big, he doesnt last for hours.
but he is the best lover i've ever had, he is my best friend, and i love him. in my mind he is #1.
i boost his eagle by telling him how great he is.
maybe that's what you need your chick to do!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 16th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
This is a perfect example of how guys let this kind of thing get to them. NOT ALL GUYS, but ALOT of them. When they think someone or something is better than them at sex, it plays all kinds of hell on their minds. I know MANY guys that would prefer not to know about their partner's past sexual partners, because they want to believe they are the best at what they are doing to the woman. If this is going to be a problem for you, which it sounds like it is, then you have to decide if this girl is worth ignoring her past for. Some men can never get over it, and have to throw it in the woman's face from time to time. All I can say is, if we have to get over you being with multiples, you should too.
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Users who thank rightside for this post: starship33 

replied July 16th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
It's been this way for centuries and will always be, I think. Men LOVE to have sex, and will pretty much do it whenever the opportunity "arises," but in the end, when it's time to bring the woman home to mother, they want the "less used" variety for a wife. I don't know many men who want a woman who was used and abused. Example:
I knew a girl from school who had a bad reputation. She had been with MANY men, and engaged several times, but they never married her. She met a guy from a different part of the city who didn't know her past, and he married her. One night after work, he stopped for a few beers with the guys, and they were swapping boyhood sex stories. One guy told of a girl who took on 6 guys all at once...a real party. He went on and on about what a p-g she was, and when someone asked her name, it turned out to be this guy's wife! He was shocked to say the least, and when he went home, they had a HUGE fight. End of story..they are divorced now.
I know of many stories like this, and it never seems to change. It might not be fair to the woman, but it is what it is. Men want to be the experienced ones, and they want us to be the conquest.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 16th, 2009
Community Volunteer
I felt bad and took that post off...I would hate to hurt anyone's feelings, but what raven53 says is true...My husband had me on a pedestal and I have no doubt in my mind if he had found out about the affair, just short of intercourse, that I had with my boss, he would have dropped me...I feel different now, but I am a Mother and would have taught my sons the same....Nowadays, it is wild out there...Part of me will always wonder about the man that I never had...I mean that would have been a hot time...Sometimes I envy what I do not know, but it is part of who I was and I can't change what I can't change...I love my life and I love my husband, but God help me, if I was born again now at this time in life and with the high sexuality that I have, it would be katy bar the door....Holy ****.....
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 16th, 2009
I agree with everything that everyone is saying. I know I'm stock on these details that shouldn't matter. But it's like cocaine to someone who's addicted. They know it's bad and it's gonna kill them but they have to use the drug. I know it's in the past. I know I can't change it. But I picture her with them. I compare myself. Her stories haunt me. How do I get myself to stop remembering the stories and stop thinking and wanting to know the truth and real feelings she has about me compared to her exes. If it turns out that she loves me but I'm not her best person in bed can I trust she will stay satisfied with just me or will her drive to be with someone who can last all night lead her to find someone else or make a drunken mistake?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 16th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
There's nothing uniquely female about having to be contradictory people in your relationships. Most women have at some point or another said they want a man who's sensitive and vulnerable and within 48 hours said they want a realy masculine tough man. In truth we want the world in our partners and some aspects of humanity just can't be in the same person at the same time. It's probably a lot more healthy not to worry about labelling people as on trait of their personality like slutty or sweet or smart or strong and just acknowledge weather we are happy with that person and fulfills our needs in the relationship.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied July 17th, 2009
Supporter
It's probably a lot more healthy not to worry about labelling people as on trait of their personality like slutty or sweet or smart or strong and just acknowledge weather we are happy with that person and fulfills our needs in the relationship.

I agree with wolf on this statement..

Texman--honey you gotta let go..If her having sooo many sexual partners is taring you up then move on..You aren't doing either of you any good and you will nly end up hurting each other..He past is just that-just as yours is..Remember the old story in the bible of throwing the first stone..Well I can't..None of us are perfect we want to be in many ways but we have flaws and with flaws we have to be acccepted or left alone..
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 17th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
This is the problem. Most men that are in an actual relationship with a woman (more than just being there for sex,) don't appreciate knowing about her past conquests. They want to feel they are the special one, who presses all the right buttons. But yes, this is a new age, and women are having more sexual partners than ever before. so men have no choice than to let it go and forget about it. The fact that Texman was told about her past is unfortunate, however, now he has to decide whether he can live with it. If not, it's time to move on.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 17th, 2009
If I can't deal with her past then who's past can I deal with? If
I move on am I supposed to be single forever or find a 26 year old virgin
Who is ready to have sex with me?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 17th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
Does this really mean that much to you? Do you really love this woman? If you do, then you are going to have to overlook her past. if not, then there are many women who are waiting for marriage before they have sex. There must be some websites out there that can lead you to where you can find these women.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 17th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Texman
What do you imagine is the worst case scenario of staying with this girl and working to bridge the differences between you sexually?
Would it be worse than having to go on without her and take your chances finding someone you can connect with that isn't more experienced as well?
Given how you feel with this women do you want a woman who has no sexual experience to have to cope with your level of expertise?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied March 15th, 2010
If you think quantity of sex, or variety, beats quality or even beats love, then marry a prostitute. Sex is a physical act. Some of us have little, some lots, and a few have none. Why should your own past make you a better person than anyone else? Why hers a worse person? Our past makes us who we are now, and for some of us it was a learning experience. I'd only be concerned if the person didn't learn from their experiences. If your lover was not viewing their own past within my own values, then I'd be more concerned that we were not a good match because our values were different. We all have different life experiences, and these make us each special. You love her for who she is, and you should also love her for her past life. You have every right to want to know facts, but you should also share her feelings then and now, and gain intimacy in knowing her as a person, not just a sexual object. Our value is not just in racking up a set of skills or experiences, it is in gaining feelings, sharing intimacy, and being vulnerable in close relationships to gain trust. Explore and share your own vulnerabilities with her. If you both trust each other, you will value each other's past and present differences, and be willing to protect each other from shallow social labeling like "slut" or "inexperienced." These are schoolyard taunts by children, not adults in relationships. We are all equals in love.
As to sexual prowess, consider that each of us is thankfully different, and just because some bloke couldn't reach orgasm in ten minutes doesn't mean they were good at anything (I mean, damned, I'd get bored doing anything for hours). If you both want something sexually, work on it together - don't waste time trying to meet someone else's goals. You are sharing sex with person, not a sex object.
|
Did you find this post helpful?