Hi..

In 2 days my mother died exactly a month ago..
Ever since the death of her my father has been always lecturing me, I think he's dealing with his loss by being horrible towards me and my brother. But my brother sais I'm the lucky one, because if he has a fight with my dad he comes running after him like a madman, yelling as if he is going to beat him and saying stuff like he'll kick him out of the house.

I always hate my father, but now mother died even more.
Because he can't respect me and how I think, and today he even lectured me that I AM selfish. Because of the disappoinment he has in his part of the family which I didn't feel like visiting with him. 3 days ago, and now he said it just because I didn't want to go to the cemetary. Can't I say no??? Must I always say yes and go get groceries with him and visit everyone against my will???

He loves me but I hate him, I hate everything about him.
Now my life is very miserable.
I can't talk with him because when we disagree he can't change his mind, and because he can't understand my thinking he yells and gets angry.

I feel like a useless peace of crap, and I miss and need my mother..
I can't find a job... And I am supposed to be making a costume..
Becuase now I have summer vacation, but nothing works..
I hate this, and I keep feeling horrible.. and useles..

Despite my siblings and friends taking good care of me and giving me presents and love, my homesituation is horrible.

My boyfriend who lives on the other side of the world, I always talk with on yahoo messenger and he often told me: you're always suddenly angry/sad/happy. I think it means I might be having mood swings.
This goes together with depression..

And the most stupid thing is, it's all my fualt, because I could have a job at the supermarket ore newspaper delivery, but I'm picky and want something in a store ore office.. (but I don't feel comfortable in my neighbourhood, it's a stink neighbourhood for paper delivery)
Also.. if I buy cloth at the market I can start sewing.
So I know I can help this, but I still feel depressed..

I'm 17 and I have to live at home for at least 2 years. (If my father doesn't want to pay for my college because it's outside of the country, it would mean I'm forced to live at home longer..)

Also if this home situation stayes like this I don't know if I'll be able to graduate level 2 (At least I allready graduated level 1 this month, thank god)

Right now to my dad I'm a useless daughter, but he's always a useless father to me!! D<

As a child I always had nightmares, but I posted about this in the sleep disorder forums. If you're interested in reading please go here = http://ehealthforum.com/health/themed-nigh tmares-t144580.html

Last night I dreamed about my mother, she always loved me and wanted the best for me.
In RL she toom me shopping in may, she said 'I'm happy I can do this with you now, because I think it's important and neccesary, later I might not be able to do this because I'm very ill'
In the dream it was a similar situation, she took me to a fries shop with the car, saying the same thing, but then I realised she's dead, it made me wake up.
I fell asleep again after even though I allready slept 7 hours, it made me dream about losing my ability to ski(I dreamt about this piste before) after I went to a house, it was hounted, as I looked in the mirror I couldn't make the expression I wanted, because the ghost controlled it. After I shut down all the lights in the house I woke up again with a very heavy headacke.

Every week I dream about dead people and ghost etc..

Also, my surroundings in my dreams keep coming back, as if I'm creating my own real world in my head, full of death and weird surroundings.

But lately I don't wake up in panick ore scaredness anymore.
When I think I start hearing things I just tell myself it isn't there..

I post here because I want to hear peoples oppinions, various oppinions, not just from one therapist, so I choose not to see a therapist because of this reason, also because I don't want my father to spend money on me, because he's always greedy with money.

Well, I'm glad I could tell my story of today here.
Please respond..