I guess I never thought I would end up writing on the net about my broken heart problems.
As all of you know for sure, we all have had many broken hearts phases in which we absolutely have no more faith and hope and start considering very weird things in our heads. Somehow we got out of them, some more quicker then others, but the damage was done, and even today after so may years we still think about those persons even if it is for a second.
Even after having surpassed such demoniacal stages in my life with women that i have loved, this is one thing that youre never prepared for. And it seems that it keeps getting harder everytime it happens.
Ill try to make it short...
Ive been with a girl for 2 and half years. the last few months of our relationship were not the best ones, and she came to an end with me. It was really really painful, and with all due respect to what am I going through now, I suffered like hell in those days. With lots of help from my family and friends, also with lots of personal effort, and after moving to another town for a brief period of time, things started to get clearer and it only took 1 and half month.
And why? Because some one new appeared. And she was a load of problems I saw it the minute I talked with her. older than me, single mother, and very very insecure as well as always doubting of the places I were. The thing is, that never concerned me, i always made an effort to try to understand her, to support her but even with that effort she was always trying to get something new to trouble us. We were together for a month, and 2 days before the end of our relationship, i told her that it was not working, i shouldnt have said that, but i was really hurt with her because we had just come home from a christmas dinner with friends in which little attention she payed to me. 3 days before that we spent a weekend together at a country house, it was wonderful, and 3 days later this happened, i felt her going away... (we were not together for that period of 3 days)
she finished it all, but still wanted me by her side, it was a nightmare because i couldnt be with her the way we were before. that was so painful, that i only lasted a week, i cried several times in front of her and was always making a drama of all things. i asked her for us to stop talking to each other because i couldnt handle the pain and as much hard as it was going to be without talking to her, it would be best for the both of us... but 5 days later I sent her an e-mail asking to start talking again.
since that christmas dinner she broke up with me little by little, she was going away.
everyone was telling me... let her miss you, dont say anything, let her miss you. i am the first to admit that playing games within the relationships helps a lot, but thats for people who know how to play them and dont get affected by them, which is not my case. i know that a woman does not like an insecure man, who cries all the time, thats not what she needed. but before she broke up with me that never happened and i took care of her the best i could, even with all her personal problems i did what was best... i shared my life with her, and although we were arguing everyday for stupid things i always felt that we loved each other... she said that to me in the last phone calls we had...
we spoke on the phone several times after that but the result was the same, my tears and desperate catchphrases came to the top. its been a month since ive seen her personally, and about two weeks since ive heard her voice.
I am desperated, she doesnt get out of my head. i eat healthy, i work, i try to sleep enough hours. i workout to help my physical well being, and i take care of parents, but this pain is too much to bear. once a week i go out and try to meet some people or be with some friends (even though its the place where all started, and i always have my heart in my hands when i go there, scared that i might se her), i always try to appear confident eveytime i get out of the house in the minimal possibility that she will see me and think that im ok once again.
she doesnt talk to me because she knows im a mess because of her. anyway a couple a weeks... i have come to know that she had dinner with friends at a restaurant near where i live, and near where we had our first moments together... i felt a tremendous ache, that ache was so colossal that i had to ask my mom to help me fall asleep.
im feeling that im losing my way writing this text and im not explaining the things as they are. i dont know why.
All i know is that we had something special and she always said that i was her angel, she treated me like treasure the first day we began to approach other. And i was always scared that her life situation, being completely different from mine would be a big obstacle. but when she broke up with me, i felt so bad, that i would do anything to help her to raise her son, and support them in anyway i could. i did not mind about the age differences, and i didnt care that she was insecure, i could spend the all day proving it to her that i was with her and no one else... i even said that i would very much like to give her son a brother...
i dont know how she is now, and if i text her or call her it will fell good, but like a drug, after 10 minutes i want more from her, and will go back again to square one, emotionally. thats why i dont call her.
i see myself constantly going to my local church and praying for her. i spend half an hour looking to the sea. i even help homeless persons i find on the street when i go downtown for a drink on a saturday night. everynight i grab my pillow tight and i cry like theres no tomorrow, even during the day when im on the street or driving i have to pull up ou go to more confined space so i can cry without anyone seeing. when i go for my workouts i start to cry when im lifting the weights.
i dont know what else to say, but i lack the strenght even to talk about this, i just wish i stopped feeling, like she did with me.
we both said to each other, whatever has to be, it will be... that is very beautiful, but it has the downside of making my daily life a torture. she always said she liked me more in the month we were together, than she liked her former partner with whom she stayed for years. she always said i was her angel...
everyone tells me that i should have never cried in front of her or show some insecurity always asking not to talk again and vice-versa. ok... thats true.. but i was desperated she wasnt with me again, and she was acting has if nothing never happened between us.. that was torture...
and in the middle of this i lost some friends who say that cant bear me anymore with my dramas. we were having a drink and a good ex-friend of mine called her a b**ch for making me suffer, i did not react well and hit a trash can in the street, he then locked me up against the wall and i punched him in the chest. i immediately said i was sorry, but it was not fair for him to call her that. that friend of mine which i held dear for so many years does not talk to me anymore, as well as his girlfriend who was also a good friend of mine.
the friends of the woman that i love, rarely speak to me, and i feel that when i call them asking how she and her son are doing, i feel like im asking for their attention. we were all so close, and this happened... and these were people that thanked me from falling from the sky to take care of her...
i try to live my life and i do, but crying everyday, and going out to meet new people being a horror movie in which im always deeply afraid to see her?...
I beg you all dear readers who had the patience to read this until the end, with all my life, heart and souls energy, help me...
Don't be afraid to see her. You have no reason to be afraid. What's gonna happen? What is she gonna do to you? Nothing. If you two do talk, then talk. Either stand up for yourself and hold your own in a conversation, or tell her you don't wanna talk to her.
The first thing you gotta do is realize that she did do a bad thing by hurting you. You wanted to be in her life. You wanted to make it work. She is the one who's not letting that happen.
The next thing you gotta do is not only apologize to your friend again but forgive him for calling her a b*tch. Maybe there are factors he wasn't considering, but it was still fair to call her that. But the most important thing is his motivation for saying it. He did it as a friend. He did it out of respect for your feelings. He wanted to help you, and if there's anyone who can still help you it's someone like him. You have to reconnect.
And you definitely do not have to go out in order to meet people. Plenty of Fish is the biggest free online dating site. You can try using that.