love can make a person blind! i made a lot of silly mistakes when i was your daugther's age. my mom listened to my story, but when it was all over she would say "i m not going to say i told you so"!
being older and experienced you can see the red flags, you can even see what's going to happen....."this guy is going to break my daugther's heart".
sometimes, when you apply pressure people react badly. meaning forcing her to leave him may make her want him even more. i've learned this with my own experience. a few people didnt want me with my ex monster b/f, and it upset me so i was determined to stay with him.
only after if was all over i seen how much a nut i was. lol
she is an adult and have to make her own mistakes. the only thing that you can do is be there for her.

As a mother of a 19 and an 18 year old I could just imagine how difficult it must have been to tell her to leave. I understand the stress and I know I wouldn't have been able to tell either of them to leave. I guess it was a good decision since she will be living on campus. Hopefully she will meet some new friends and find a new guy that will be better for her. Try not to stress too much and eventually she will see him for what he really is.

Here I could write you a book...I think it started around 14 and kept on going...It seems like everything that you tell them not to do, they do...If I said, "Honey, don't tell anyone you did this?"...She would tell the school...The worst part about this is I can't remember ever in my life being like my daughter was...My best advice, don't stress...You can't change a thing...You can talk and pray and preach...But until she is ready to accept her mistake and change, you are talking to a blank wall...Like wendyrs said, it's a good decision that she will be living on campus...There she will learn about life...I guess most of us women on this Forum can say, been there and done that right along with you...Good luck...

Caroline

Thank you Service and wendy. You see, we argued all the time last year because her grades were suffering and she was always out with him. I am at my wits end. It is best she leaves because we both need time apart and she needs to think without my pressure or my anxiety about him. I know I am taking a risk. But I trust eventually she will see the light.

This is a mother's nightmare, but in time, if you don't push the issue, she will eventually find out what a loser he is, and dump him. The more you try and convince her what a louse he is,the more she will think she can change him. Once she is out of the house, she may realize how much better she can be treated by someone who really cares for her. This guy is a user. Her friends will tell her, and sooner or later she will see it for herself, but girls who date men like this usually have some form of self-esteem issues. All you can do is let her know you love her, and she deserves better, but tell her she needs to find that out on her own.

Thanks Caroline. I left home at 19 got pregnant at 21 and lived with my abuser, her father, for 12 years. I finally found the courage with alot of support to leave. I feel so much guilt because I was a bad role model. I to thought her father would change and he would stop abusing me. I thought she would have learned from my errors and I see she is only repeating them though she never did run away from home or got pregant ( I hope it stays that way)..she works two jobs and is pretty independent but she needs to mature. She will be staying with her friend for a month and then off to school in the fall.

Thanks Raven..I also have an 18 year old daughter. She is the polar opposite of he sister. She to is upset about this situation and I have told her to be gentle with her sister but she is angry that her sister is taking this risk again.

My daughter went through the same thing. The creep she was dating (on the rebound from a breakup with another guy) was a real user. He took money from her, smiked dope and borrowed her car. We fought over it alot, but finally I said I was done...that she would have to suffer the consequences of his using and would have to learn for herself. All her friends told her he was a jerk, but when she moved out, she finally saw him for what he really was, dumped him and moved back home. Now she is married (10 years) to a great guy and has a beautiful little boy. Oh and by the way...the jerk is STILL a jerk!

Thanks Raven. I am hoping my daughter wakes up sooner than later. Today, however, I feel guilty for asking her to leave. In my heart it was the right thing to do. But my head is playing tricks on me. I just couldn't enable her any longer. I felt when she lived with me she had less responsiblilty..she didn't pay rent, used most of her money to support him. I tried to encourage her to save moeny to put money away and she would like but wouldn't show me her bank books. I did her laundry, cleaned her room..all to make it easier for her to study but that didn't work well last year because I only made it easier for her to see him. I just didn't want to face that this fall upon her return to school and thought a month left until school, she may get it. Was I wrong?

NO! Absolutely not! She is old enough to learn how life works. The more she has to do for herself AND him, the more she will realize how much he is taking advantage of her, and she will see how much easier it was for her when she was living home because you made it easier. She should get a good dose of what being used is like now that she has to bear the brunt of all the responsibilities herself. When he refuses to pitch in, she'll wise up. It will be a good life lesson for her, and hopefully she will go on to make better choices in boyfriends in the future.

Thanks Raven. She is not living with him but a girlfriend. He is too immature and needs his mommy to take care of him as well. I hope she sees that he is a master user/manipulator. Thanks for your encouraging words. It helped so much. You thoughts make perfect sense. Doesn't make it easier knowing that she chose him over self love. That drives me insane.

I know! You want to just give her a good shaking! My daughter moved in with a girlfriend too, but the creep was there all the time, sponging off them, eating their food, sleeping there. Pretty soon the girlfriend moved out, and my daughter got stuck with all the bills. The creep moved in, and when she asked him to contribute...yeah, right! HA!HA!HA! So the pressure got to be more and more on her...she was starting to look terrible, my beautiful daughter...so tired and drawn. All her friends told her too, but I kept my mouth shut and went on with my life, while all the while it was killing me inside. Finally, when her father and I were on a trip to Vegas, she called us there and told us she was done with him, and moving back home. She was moved back in by the time we got home, and never talked to that slime ball again...THANK GOD! So there is alway light at the end of the tunnel. If she ever comes to you and complains about in, just gently let her know that she is so much better than him, and deserves much more, but that it is HER choice to make. She has to know that whatever the choice, the consequences go with it. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, and hopefully she'll meet a doctor or lawyer at college!

Hey Hope42
It's rough, a lot of young people from single parent homes choose bad relationships or form the other half of them. It's important as a child to have a mother and father in a healthy relationship as a model for interactions with your future relationships. However, don't worry too much, there are millions of children from single-parent families making their way in the world very happily. She's just going to have to learn a lot of stuff about love the hard way.

I think it's important that you understand that these are lessons she has to learn. You can't keep telling a adult how to manage their love life no matter how much you love them. It's possible she would have seen this guy for the ass he is if she wasn't so busy defending him to you. Although loving this guy is hurting her it will hopefully be the only time she has to learn these particular lessons about love.

Do stay in her life. Avoid meddling in the relationship so that you can stay her advisor in the important decisions in her life. It is good that you've put her on her own feet in the world but continue to encourage her in school and move her towards a career or other aspirations she has. Keep her safe from other bad decisions in life like moving out of the city with this guy while she's in school or starting a family. Hell buy her her birth control no matter how much it makes you ache.

As for this guy I think he's a smaller monster than you make him out to be. No man at 23 is a master of anything less manipulating women. Odds are he genuinely loves her but like your daughter he has a lot to learn about love. He also needs to work in this relationship without meddling in order to learn to be a better man.

Thanks Raven. I am so happy to read that things worked out for your daughter. Clearly she was brought up right with self love. I love my daughter. I have attempted to be both mom and dad. It is not easy but it was not a choice I made. I thing for all intense and purposes she is a pretty well grounded young adult. However, when it comes to love herself and seeing her self worth..I am so afraid for her. I feel so powerless.

Thanks Wolf. I appreciate you input. I must disagree on the smaller monster comment. You have no idea how he manipulates, abuses, guilt trips. I see no love from him at all. He doesn't love himself and maybe that is the common ground two people who lack self love, self respect. He doesn't care about her. He does nothing with his life. My daugter works two jobs goes to school and wants to better the world. She is a vegan. Cares about animals..wants to live in Africa one day and work with them. I respect he dedication to the good things in her life..however, I can't accept that she has so much going for her yet she settles for garbage.

Hope, your daughter is probably like millions of starry-eyed girls, all thinking they can change the man they love. The problem with this kind of guy is, he will never change. He is a user. He'll probably make his way through life sponging from woman to woman. I know so many guys like this, including two of my husband's brothers. They are living a nothing existant life, moving in with one girl till she wises up and throws them out, then on to the next. Sooner or later they all get the boot, because though it takes some time, their laziness and selfishness forces the women into seeing what duds they really are. My daughter's loser moved on to another unknowing young girl, and unfortunately got her pregnant. They are not together anymore either. I pity that child, having the kind of father that is every mother's worst nightmare. Your daughter will come around, as long as everyone backs off, and lets her discover it for herself. When we try to force the issue, they try all the harder to prove us wrong, and it's an embarrassment for them when they discover we are right, so we have to be kind, and not say I told you so (too much!). It will work out...she might have to go through some rough patches until it does, but they will be a good learning curve for her, and she will be more careful the next time.

Thanks Raven. You have provided me with some hope. A part of me believes she will see it but she is in such denial I fear it will take years.
Thanks so much.

Hang in there Hope...could take years, could take till tomorrow morning. Sooner or later he will do something to open her eyes, or maybe she will meet someone at college and just dump his sorry behind! God bless!

Thanks Raven. God Bless!!!