I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 for 10 years now. I have a 13 year old daughter who I have raised by myself. I have been on a constantly changing cocktail of meds. I am highly functioning as I have two jobs and have received to BAs and a MLIS.
What I don't understand is that I have not been able to date a man for longer than five months. I have had plenty of meaningless sex when I am in my manic moods and I will confuse sex with affection. The problem is that when I do find a great guy, I push them away before they leave. Most guys do not want to deal with the issues that come with bipolar. The last man that I dated was okay with my being bipolar, but I know now that I must have been manic at the time. I was always drunk when we hung out which as most of you know is not a good thing on meds. At the beginning, things were pretty much normal. Though I realize now I wasn't getting the attention I needed. Is it because I have bipolar that I want the man I am dating to give me more attention then one phone call a week? Do "normal" people feel the same way?
After about 2 months he just stopped talking to me for two weeks. I had no idea what I did wrong. I thought everything must have been my fault. Before this, he did not know that I have bipolar. I was not ready to tell him this. After two weeks he suddenly called me and apologized for what he did. The following weekend I had a blow up with my daughter and I called him and told him that things just were not going to work. I then told him that I have bipolar. I was pushing him away before he could leave me.
We got past that but two weeks later he canceled plans with me the night before in a txt message. I was peeved. As a single mother I have to plan things and I had planned a nice dinner for him. I left him two nasty messages and two txts. It was after this that he would not forgive me. I asked for a second chance, I actually begged for it. I knew I was an a-hole. He said I had one chance and that he would get in touch with me. That next week my daughter was put in the hospital for cutting problems. In the end, I contacted him wanting/needing his support and to talk to him. It back fired. He then just ignored me.
He has not spoke to me in a month. Ignoring my phone calls and txts. This whole time I thought I had done things wrong, that I was the "crazy" person. But I realize now I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship.
I would like the man I am dating to make plans ahead of time with me, to call me more than once a week if I am lucky, to hang out with a man without the need to drink. To drink to make myself more comfortable. Is this normal or is it something too much to ask for. I keep thinking being bipolar may make me ask for more in a relationship then other people. But am I really? Does anyone feel the same way?
