Crashed 6 weeks ago - I think this might finally be it

Never thought I was a statistic. But maybe I am. Just learned that 30% of all bipolar patients attempt suicide - 20% succeed.

I had a severe crash 6 weeks ago. Going along fine and a pumpkin set me off. A god damned pumpkin! My kids are grown and my wife has made it so bad with daughter that I hardly ever see the grandkids. I pulled into the parking lot of the store, saw the big display of pumpkins, and sat and cried in my car for an hour thinking about scooping pumpkin guts out with my kids when they were little.

I'm not a drama queen and I'm not an attention seeker. I'm a loner who keeps all of my feelings to myself.

My wife is disabled and couldn't survive without my income, my health insurance, and me taking care of her. She also suffers from severe depression - has been in and out of mental hospitals for years and has been on each and every anti-depressant known to mankind. I don't have her to turn to when I have these crashes. I am usually not stuck in one this long either.

I want out. If I had a way to take care of her, I'd probably already be gone. But another kick in the head is that bipolar patients are uninsurable. Can't buy any life insurance excpet for a group polcicy through my employer and that won't be enough to pay for her care and the massive medical bills.

Maybe some of you others with Bipolar understand these times and how mentally, physically, and emotionally draining and painful these times are. This might or might not be the last one. Don't think I can keep doing this any more.

P.S. This is not a cry for help. Just an indication to let people know how bad it can get.