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constant suicidal thoughts,searching death photos.

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I have been diagnosed with bi polor disorder and PTSD and borderline personality disorder. I constantly seek out photos of famous deaths and autopsy reports. why do I have this obsession? Is there anyone out there who has dealt with and conquered this? I am looking at ECT treatments because no meds have worked for me yet. I feel like I am losing the game and I will go thru with suicide. I fear my own hand...I have a plan to carry it out fully so there is hopefully no mistakes. But I want to learn to live and laugh again. I have 3 beautiful young adult children and a good husband and I do not want to burden them with my death...because it is a selfish act. However it would end my misery and the misery I cause them. Anyone is welcome to write back to me.
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First Helper Nina586
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replied December 21st, 2011
NGD,

It is very concerning that you have already planned how you would commit suicide. I also have suicidal thoughts, a few years ago I went through with my plan. At the last second I got scared and turned the wheel. I got into a sever car accident but did not sustain any major injuries. I went deeper into my depression, I hated the world, I hated myself, I was filled with anger.
I have since then started seeing a therapist, I am going through talk therapy and taking anti-depressants. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and sever depression. It has been about 6mo after and I cant even put into words how much it has changed my life. I am genuinely happy, i dont have to put on a fake smile anymore. My suicidal thoughts have subsided and I am feeling again. I am no longer numb. There is hope! You owe it to your children to get yourself healthy emotionally and give them a mom that they deserve. You owe it to yourself to get healthy and allow yourself to live the life that you deserve! You can control this, you just need the proper tools.
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