constant suicidal thoughts,searching death photos.

NGD,

It is very concerning that you have already planned how you would commit suicide. I also have suicidal thoughts, a few years ago I went through with my plan. At the last second I got scared and turned the wheel. I got into a sever car accident but did not sustain any major injuries. I went deeper into my depression, I hated the world, I hated myself, I was filled with anger.
I have since then started seeing a therapist, I am going through talk therapy and taking anti-depressants. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and sever depression. It has been about 6mo after and I cant even put into words how much it has changed my life. I am genuinely happy, i dont have to put on a fake smile anymore. My suicidal thoughts have subsided and I am feeling again. I am no longer numb. There is hope! You owe it to your children to get yourself healthy emotionally and give them a mom that they deserve. You owe it to yourself to get healthy and allow yourself to live the life that you deserve! You can control this, you just need the proper tools.