Hey too everyone, first post here, just signed up to seek advice to some of my worries. This will probably be quite long, but i'll try to be as honest as possible.
I am a 22 year old male, I have a fairly wild history of extreme outbursts of violence as a young child and teen at school, and in my later teen years I smoked marijuana daily for a few years which seemed to calm me down, almost like self medicating. I was still an angry person but I felt like smoking the weed could calm me down. I no longer smoke it anymore by the way, and I don't think that it contributed to my mental state overall. I was already a weird person as a kid
I have always been kind of strange, I have had strange thoughts since my parents divorce when I was I was around 7 years old. I write constantly, I feel like I have an extreme need to document my life, sort of as if I'm scared that if I don't i'll be lost to history after my death. I love to draw, make music, and write novels, sometimes I feel like these worlds are my escape. When I play the piano I can hear my life coming out of the notes, the sad songs break me down, and a happy song can lift my mood and give me a kind of rush. My point is that i'm so connected to these creations of beauty from my mind, that I've become disconnected from reality.
I rarely find pleasure in the things I used to love, besides what I mentioned above. I feel the clock of time ticking away, and its as if I have a race to do as much work as I can before I die, which means I get little pleasure out of the fun things and I always feel like I should be writing, or drawing or composing.
I always feel like death could be right now, every day of my life.
I don't go out with friends much anymore, and when I do I stick to my closest of friends. I hate crowds and places with lots of people, i'd prefer to walk through the forest in solitude. Food no longer tastes the same, the experience to me is merely an act of providing the energy needed to keep my body alive for another day.
I use to exercise daily, and go out all the time. I was a social person overall.
I am obsessed with personal hygiene, constantly in fear of things like sharing drinks or water bottles with others. When I get sick, I almost always blame it on someone else. I'll have a thought like, "Oh yeah I drunk out of that glass at that guys house, that must have gotten me sick, filthy place"
I wash my hands excessively, sometimes more then 5 times in a span of a few minutes. I don't even realize I'm doing it until someone asks me why I keep washing my hands.
I have a fairly vile temper still, not always but with the wrong person around, or a situation that really gets to me.
It doesn't take much to get me angry, and I almost always will hold unreasonable grudges, which even I know are ridiculusly stupid, but I do it anyway. My body often will start to shake all over when I'm angry, and lose the ability to function on a normal level, I can't even form sentences, and logical thought and reasoning goes out the window.
I don't drink alcohol, or do any illicit substances anymore, with the alcohol I stopped drinking completely because when I drink too much I can become very aggresive.
to sum up I can give you a short list of the various things that effect me:
-constantly changing moods, usually depressive, but at times extremely energetic.
-Loss of excitement in things I once loved
-withdrawal from society, general dislike for large places, partys, crowds.
-Constant paranoia, can't walk my streets without thinking i'm going to be robbed, when people walk behind me I get prepared to defend myself straight away. If I see someone walking the street off in the distance I will always straight away think its some gang coming to rob me, and it usually turns out to be an old man, or 2 women walking with there kids.
Always think people are stealing my ideas, my possesions, watching my house, watching me, you get the idea.
-worried about time, death, feel like a constant beating clock, and its a race to get everything I can done.
-decreased energy at times, somedays I can't seem to fully wake up. Some days I'm up at 6 in the morning. Fatigue as well.
-Loss of memory, loss of concentration abilities, I've forgotten whole years of my life already, and i'm only young. I seem to have an incredible memory when it comes to my own activities though, with music, writing and drawing.
-constantly learning, trying to improve my mind. But only in very select areas. I am obsessed with time travel, and the origins of myself, my life, life on earth, alien life, and the universe in general.
I spend hours with writing equations that seem to come from no where, sometimes that make no sense others that I find brilliant.
-Changes in appetite, weight, excercise, diet, sex life, social life and even my sleep patterns. I can't seem to get in the swing of going to sleep at 9 or 10 at night and getting up early some times. my body often keeps me up for 2 or 3 days where I start to get delusional hearing music that comes from behind walls, and children laughing in the park that I can never seem to find. The music I find interesting because I will often get inspiration from these orchestras that seem to come from inside my own mind. But I hear them in very specific places, like behind or inside a sofa or couch, behind a thick wall, up a fireplace, out in a bush outside. It's an extremely odd thing to experience.
- poor self image, easily offended, extremely critical and judgemental. I hold lifetime grudges once people do things that really get to me.
-thoughts of death, attempts at suicide in my teenage years, prolonged depression for weeks/ or months at a time.
The thing that I find the most odd is that I am very aware of everything that happens, i'm delusional, but I still know that reality is different from what I'm experiencing. I've read alot about diseases like schizophrenia and the patients I read about seem to be stuck inside there minds, where as I'm experiencing everything that they are, but I seem to keep a level head almost.
I'm most worried that because i'm so young that these are just the begginings of what could be a very hard road for me through life. any opinions are most appreciated, thanks for reading, I know it was long.
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