Hi, I’m 20 years old and am having a really hard time with myself. I have felt like this my entire life but it seems to have gotten worse lately. I can rarely sleep at night, and when I do, I wake up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat. My thoughts cause me to have bad headaches, and me feeling down causes me to get physically sick at times as well. I feel and always have felt very alone and distant, and it is beginning to get too much for me. From the outside I think it would be hard for people to believe what I am going through because they believe I have everything. I always felt people make the wrong perception of me and believe it with out every making an attempt to every know me.
No one in my family gets along, so I don’t ever bother with them. I don’t act like other people in my culture (I’m Indian), and that makes people in my family (and culture) look at me different. My parents don’t get along, and my mother at times tells me she doesn’t like my appearance or the way I act because it’s not typically Indian. My father regularly gets upset with me because I don’t like Indian food, and he too doesn’t like me being this way. I try to tune out their words but it gets harder and harder everyday. My father has a bad temper so he typically yells even during regular conversations, and my mother knows how to push people’s buttons, and she seems to always want to start arguments. I try hard not to be like either one of them, but the bad temper trait is something I have too, but am trying hard to suppress. I don’t have friends that are Indian and my parents don’t like that at all.
I never felt like I ever had any real friends in my life. I always liked school because I felt like I had “friends” from 8:00 to 3:00. After school I never heard from anyone, and was always on my own. I use to play by myself when I was little after I came home from school. I would mostly be home alone (starting from second, third grade) and was told not to pick up the phone or answer the door. My mother would leave me food to eat and would usually come home around 6:30. In High School, I would get along with everyone in my class , but would never know what they were doing after school until I found out the next day when I hear them talking about how much fun they had. I use to ask why they didn’t call me, but they would just tell me that it wasn’t planned or it just happened. (I don’t ask people this anymore.) I just started to feel like I was never good enough for anyone.
All my friends in college dorm, but I have to commute because my parents don’t want me to dorm. During my first two years of college, I really wanted to drop out because I didn’t have a car and it took me an hour and a half just to get to school. I didn’t have much friends and it just seemed like everyone was having fun and didn’t have to worry about class or exams. I always made straight As my entire life, but I felt like that was a waste because it has not gotten me anywhere, and I am still in the same space as people who copy off of me and people who get by with C’s. My depression had gotten much worse during this time. My third year was a little better, as I finished my hard classes and got a car. During my three years at college (I just finished my junior year), I have had lunch with another person about 12 times. Other than that, I am left sitting by myself. I get the courage to make a call to others to ask them if they would like to get something to eat, but I got the same answers where they either ate already, weren’t hungry, or were busy.
I hate being at home because that is where I am most alone. I usually wander around campus hoping to run into someone I know so I don’t feel so lonely. Just seeing one person and having them stop and say hi makes a huge difference to me. I don’t get phone calls at all and when I do get a call or text, it is usually about a paper due, exam coming up or homework. I just feel like everyone else is having fun and have friends and at least have someone to talk to, but I’m never good enough to have these things. I am alone every year on my birthday and try not to look forward to it because I know it is always just a regular day, but it still bothers me in the back of my mind because it just seems everyone else are special enough to celebrate.
I never really received much attention growing up and I always felt like a ghost. I didn’t think anyone ever noticed me and just knew that no one ever thought of me either. I always felt and still do that I wasn’t good enough, so that is my motivation everyday. Though I never had a girlfriend and never was noticed by girls growing up, this has begun to change. Guys and girls always ask me why I don’t have a girlfriend, and I tell them that if I don’t bring home an Indian girl, I would get kicked out of the house, which is true. Another part of that truth is that I was never good enough for the girls I liked either. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me so I could fix it, then I wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore. I use to believe that I was just ugly and that no one would ever want me around because I didn’t even have regular friends that called me to hang out. This couldn’t be true, because more and more girls have been more friendly and nice to me. However, I still think that it is clear that I am not good enough for the ones that I like. I still face the same reaction from people I know where if I see them outside with their friends they would either act like they don’t see me or wouldn’t want to say hi to me. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable but maybe they are just embarrassed to show that they know me around others they know. I feel like their is something wrong with me, and my loneliness has started to get the best of me.
My entire life, I have found ways to get by by myself. I eat out alone, go see movies alone and even go to the mall alone. This is not my choice, but it is the way I am left. I try my best to fit in with everyone else the best I can but it’s just very difficult for me, because I always feel behind. I try my best to go out to do these kinds of things for myself and clear my mind, but it usually backfires on me. As much as I try to relax when I do go to the theater or out to eat, I feel even more alone because I get surrounded by people who are with their girlfriends, or in groups all having fun. I ask myself why can’t I have just one person to be around me? I keep telling myself that I am not a bad person. I don’t bother or annoy anyone, and have always been easy to get along with, so why doesn’t anyone want me? I have people tell my regularly that they want to be like me, and I ask them why? I don’t even want to be me.
Sometimes I feel like the choices I make for myself are always wrong. I don’t drink or smoke, but always felt like if I did, more people would want me around. I eat healthy, exercise and stay fit everyday just so that one day I would be good enough for someone and get noticed but it seems hopeless, and my actions probably seem crazy.
I have regular activities that I have engaged in for nearly my entire life. I love playing basketball and workout 7 days a week, 3 hours a day. I love rap music too. I feel like my iPod is my best friend because it’s the only thing that keeps me company, especially at night when I have a hard time sleeping. I know more about NBA basketball and music than anything else. I always made straight A’s, but feel like I waste my time doing well their. I drive a special edition Mercedes Benz, wear top brand clothes, and wear different Jordan sneakers everyday. I never tell people about these things I have or flash them around because I don’t think it has anything to do with me as a person. I stay very humble with my blessings and am fortunate enough to not have money as a concern for me at all. People look at me and think I have everything, but I just feel so empty and alone. I never took what I have for granted, but every night I ask God not to let me wake up the next morning. Every morning when I get into my car, I say a prayer and thank God for all that he has blessed me with. I just feel like I have to do a better job in being thankful for what I have (which I am) and just accept the things I might never be good enough to have like friendship. I just think feeling deeply depressed and angry on the inside 20 hours a day is not normal. I hope no one else feels like this and hope that no one else goes through what I am.
I feel like wishing to know what it is like to dorm, and have friends, and get invited out to parties and to hang out is a waste of time and energy because it is just never going to occur, as it never has in the past. On the other hand, it is something that stays roaming in my mind constantly. I don’t want to be me anymore and just want to change. I want to function right and not feel bad all the time and have these headaches and stress. I want to know what it’s like to feel happiness and joy just like everyone else does and just fit in and be normal. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.