Im from england, and over a year ago i went travelling with my sister, when i came to Bali indonesia, we met some really great friends who im still really great friends with now.
All our friends work in bands and thats how we met alot of them, I began to fall for one guy in the first band we became close friends with, he told me he just wanted some fun and i didnt mind as i didnt expect to be coming back here. So i slept with him and had some fun with him. We spent a month here and after travelling to other countries for a few months we decided to come back to Bali.
The second time we were here we met more people from the friends that we had already. more people who worked in bands. I met one guy who was a cousin of our closest friend here, and for me it was like love at first sight, although i didnt realise it at the time. I thought nothing about it because my friend told me he had a girlfriend. I didnt speak to him the first few times we were i the same place, then one night he was playing in the band with our friends and we got to talking, and became close. Over the course of our last two weeks here we saw eachother every day, talked on the phone alot and texted alot. we found we had a great connection and it was really easy to talk about anything and be totally honest with eachother.
Nothing happened between us because he had a girlfriend. i respected that and he didnt want to be a cheat.
The night before we left i asked him how he felt about me, and told him i really liked him. he told me he really liked me too and if he didnt have a girlfriend he would really want to try a relationship with me.
I had already decided i wanted to come back to this country an try and live here, and then when i met him and started to fall for him i was even more sure of what i wanted to do.
He told me alot about his past, and he had big trust issues with women because he had been married and divorced before, his parents were divorced which affected him and he had been in love with a 'western' girl before who he started a relationship with but as soon as she went back home she forgot about him and cheated on him.
We kept in touch when i left for the second time, every day online, texting, and calling eachother. We thought it was impossible for us to come back to this country again before our travels were finished, but in a strange twist of fate we had to redirect our flights backwards and were able to come back here again for a third time.
We didnt tell him we were coming and surprised him and he seemed really happy when he saw us and said 'oh my god am i dreaming?'
We again spent alot of time together and by this time, i was sure of my feelings for him. i had never felt like this for anyone else, and believing in love and fate and soulmates i believed he was the 'one'. one night we were alone and had a big serious conversation about our feelings, and i told him i loved him.
he finds it really hard to say how he feels and because of his past trauma doesnt feel like he knows what love truely is. however he did tell me he felt like our 'connection' was nothing like anything he had felt before. even though he couldnt say the words, i always felt like i could see the love and care he had for me in his actions and in his eyes. he couldnt hide that from me or himself.
he still had his girlfriend however he told me he didnt feel like she was the 'one' for him, and he was also waiting for that. He knew i planned to come back, and i understood we couldnt make a relationship then because he didnt know what to do about his gf, and he had trust issues that i wasnt going to come back, and worried i wouldnt be able to fit into and enjoy the culture here.
I went back home to england and began working as soon as i got home. we kept in touch all the time, online, texts phone calls, and everything was the same as it always had been between us.
Im not the type of person to push someone or constantly bombard them with calls and texts, and neither was he, so we never contacted eachother every day, but about every 3 or 4 days. after a few months he told me he had ended things with his current girlfriend. So it seemed everything was working out for us.
a month before i was due to come back and live here, i began to feel him becoming slightly more distant, he still replied to texts and sent me texts, talked online, but i couldnt put my finger on what it was. he began to tell me not to 'put hope on him' and if i was coming back to be with him maybe i was best to stay at home.
he had always been a little bit like that, instead of using his heart he used his logic because i knew he didnt want to hurt me and didnt want to make a promise to me. so i moved here with the intention of finding out if we could be together or not, and i was sure everything would be great because i still felt the love even though he never said it. i just figured thats who he was.
When i arrived everything was fine. i didnt want to push him to have a huge big serious conversation about 'us' in the beginning, i wanted to settle, find a place to live and a job and then talk about us.
I began to get really close with his family and his sisters, and his older sister was always the one telling me about his personality and how he is hard to express things but she was sure i was the one for him and she was sure he felt the same for me too. she told me he told her things about how he felt for me. and i believed her.
After a month of being here and being settled, i wanted to find out what was happening between us, and although it looked like nothing had changed i couldnt put my finger on it but something felt slightly wrong.
one night by accident i found out he had met someone, another western girl, who came on holiday here one week before i arrive, and he met her when she only had three days left here. i saw messages between them and he said that he wanted to be with her, and they had spoke about me and he said he respected and cared about me, but there was absolutely nothing romantic between us and she didnt have to worry.
i was completely devastated and i felt betrayed because even if he had met someone else i believed he would have told me about it.
we didnt speak for a long time and then he came to explain everything too me. as he explained even though his words were exactly the opposite of what i wanted to hear, in his body language and his eyes, i just saw he was lying to himself and i saw the love i always saw he had for me.
i forgave him and agreed to be friends with him. - we began to fight and spent alot of time not talking to eachother. - his sister was always looking after me and she was always telling me he was asking about me and talking about me, and this other girl was slowly disappearing. not contacting him as much, and he wasnt contacting her as much.
by new year we had one huge fight, but once everything was out and clear, we became so close again just like the first time i had met him.
he began staying with me in my house, sleeping on my couch and sleeping in my bed with me (Although nothing happened at first. i could see he was really trying to show affection and care to me in a way he hadnt before, really trying to get over his own barriers. however he still never said how he felt, or told me anything about the other girl. so i felt confused where i stood with him. we then began sleeping together properly and he started to live with me properly.
We acted like a couple, we shared everything like a couple, his work problems and the stress he had, he took care of me and i took care of him, we slept together every night, went out together, and made plans to move from Bali for a while either to england or to australia to just be away from everyone who knows us here.
he has a very big problem with privacy and pride, and i know he felt awkward cos i had already slept with someone he knew, even though it was way before i met him.
even though we acted like a couple, every time we made love, he would always act really crazy and feel guilty and tell me we should just be friends, and it shouldnt happen again, but then it did happen again, night after night, and when he wasnt fighting with this guilt i could see he really cared about me and loved me and i didnt need him to tell me that, but i did need some kind of commitment, some kind of promise that he wasnt still thinking, or want to be with anyone else. eventually that coupled with our miscommunication and misunderstandings of language and culture caused us to fight again, and we didnt speak for 4 weeks.
during this time his sister told me he was heartbroken and he knew he needed to apologise but was having difficulty finding the right way to do it. she told me he was asking after me every day and talking to her alot about me and what he should do.
then after 4 weeks, of his facebook status being criptic and not understanding if he was posting these things cos of how he felt for me, the girl who he had met just before i came back posted on his wall 'i miss you' and he posted back 'i miss you too love' - so i felt betrayed for the second time, and this time used for sex.
we had a huge fight about it, and he told me that when we began to act like a couple, he had stopped contacting her altogether and she didnt contact him, and he was 'trying' to be in love with me. however in my opinion he didnt try in the right way - he said he couldnt deal with the guilt he felt all the time because he knew he was cheating me and cheating her. i couldnt work out if the guilt came from the fact he just didnt love me and knew it, or because he hadnt properly ended things with her and told her about me and him.
Im still confused where i stand and i know he is confused about what he wants. theres no doubt he is still attracted to this other girl, but i cant understand why when she has no intention of returning here to be with him and doesnt know what she wants with him. hes also told me he cant imagine his life without me and doesnt want to lose me, and he still feels most comfortable with me because i know about his while past and his life and his family, whereas she doesnt and he doesnt feel like he can talk to her about it.
but he still hasnt made any decision to be with me, properly, or be with her properly.
Im beginning to feel more and more stupid about the belief i had in the love he has for me, even though right now i still believe it.
I just want to know, am i delusional and have i been this whole time, or is he just in massive denial about loving me because he doesnt understand it, is scared of getting hurt, and embarrassed because i slept with someone who is his friend (its a big problem for some people in this culture.)