My boyfriend, whom I have lived with for the last year, and dated the last 2 1/2 years broke up with me a little over 2 months ago. I am still completely crushed, as it came totally out of the blue. I cry nearly every day thinking about what I have lost. He said he needed to be alone and wanted to be free. I was so confused. I didn't think I put a cage around him and prevented him from doing things. He just never took the initiative to do what he wanted. Anyway, he asked me to move out (we rented a house his parents purchased as an investment). I did.

Let me explain a little about the relationship, please bear with me.

I met him almost 7 years ago in high school. He was my then new boyfriend's friend. We immediately connected (we both just happened to be wearing Led Zeppelin shirts the day we met...lol). We became very good friends, always talked about everything. I was more open with him than I was with my own boyfriend. Our friendship was weird. Sometimes we would go without any communication for months at a time, but always find each other again, and things always picked up where they left off. Always the same. There were never any bad times, it just sort of happened that way. Then we didn't see or talk to each other for a year or more. When we found each other again, it was a little different. I was still with the same boyfriend (going on 4 years), and he had a girlfriend. Our relationships at the time were not very good with our partners. We admitted to each other that we were attracted to one another in the past... but nothing happened. As time went on though, we began flirting a lot. It was weird because my boyfriend and I would always hang out with him and his girlfriend. We were all friends. It was a lot of fun. My boyfriend worked at a bowling alley and we would all go there on the weekends and bowl for free. This was where the flirting started. Things with my current boyfriend were not good at the time, so i kinda gave up on my relationship with him... he hurt me a lot, but that is a completely different story with lots of HIM cheating on me...

Anyway, I really felt like I was falling for him, and I could see it with him too. Things became so tense between us.

FFW a few months to the big 4 year anniversary with my then boyfriend. We rented a hotel and we all partied together. Eventually, after a few drinks, my friend had discovered his girlfriend making out with my boyfriend. On our anniversary!!! All hell broke loose, and my friend ended up in jail. My boyfriend blacked out, his girlfriend was crying to me, and I was in the most awkward position in my life. Very angry, but relieved at the same time.

The next day was the beginning of my relationship with my friend. We talked for hours about our feelings for each other, and how hurt we were. We had sex, and it was so beautiful.

I did not break up with my boyfriend and I have no idea why. I was so confused. We ended up going to England for 2 weeks in a vain attempt to see if we would work out. I was still seeing my friend, and falling very much in love with him. Being away from him for 2 weeks made me realize what I had to do. I broke it off with my boyfriend when we returned home. It was so hard to do, but so worth it because I was not happy.

I was happy with my friend... now new boyfriend. Things were absolutely magical with him. He made me feel so good about myself, and was very caring and giving.

When we lived together things were great at first, but as soon as his brother came home from Iraq things seemed to have changed. His brother moved in with us, and I ended up having to clean up after him all the time. I was so irritated all the time, that I probably didn't give enough affection to my boyfriend. I see a lot of things that went wrong on both our parts. Things that I didn't realize when we were together. But I still love him so much. The things that were wrong could have been fixed with effort. I think he just gave up too quickly, and I didn't realize why he was unhappy until it was too late.

When he broke it off, he said that there was always the possibility of us being together. He just needed time to "heal." He played the complete jerk card at first, but then started being at least respectful to me. After I moved out we started hanging out every now and then... and it always led to sex. I let it happen, because it was all I had left of him. I know, pathetic. He was the one to always call too. But, I soon grew tired of it. I want to either be friends or his girlfriend. Not that girl that just has sex with him whenever he finds it convenient. Just 2 days ago was the last straw.

Saturday night, he called me completely wasted and asked to come over. I said I would. He called back and told me not to, that he was going to pass out. I went over there anyway to see if he was ok. He was indeed out cold, so I wrote him a note letting him know that I stopped by and I offered him breakfast (mainly to know he was ok when he woke up).

He of course called Sunday morning, so I got him breakfast and delivered it to him. We sat around and talked briefly. Then of course sex happened. Then immediately afterwards, he wanted me to leave. I just sorta bleed my heart to him at that very moment, telling him that I miss having the friendship that we used to, and that I felt replaced by this other girl that we work with that he has been talking to (she is getting married soon, so I am not worried about him pursuing her) but I let him know how important our friendship was, and he was not having it, so I left in tears. He texted me basically telling me to get over him and leave him alone. I responded, let him know that he hurt me and that I still loved him regardless of what he thought of me, and that I wished him well in finding himself and being happy. I ended with "I will respect your wishes to be left alone, but I am here for you if you need me. Goodbye."

I put it in my head that we will not see each other outside of work (yes, we work together, but I rarely see him and try to keep it that way...)

He called me that night at 12:40 a.m. which is kinda late considering we both work at 8:30. He said that he didn't want to part on bad terms, and felt some things needed to be said. He said "If we were to ever start over, it would have to be from the beginning" I agreed with what he said. We both agreed during the conversation that it was going to be very difficult, but it had to be done in order to start as friends again. We also addressed the fact that it will be hard to be friends due to the fact that we both feel and always have felt that we should be more than friends. I told him I had a lot of things to say, and he actually wanted to hear, but I told him it could take hours. I was already 4 days into writing him an email basically telling him what he was telling me on the phone, in addition to pouring my hear out to him. I told him that I was in the process of writing this to him, and he seemed interested it reading it. I became hopeful after this conversation. This was the first time he really let me know how he felt about us since he broke it off.

I want nothing more but for this to happen. I realize our relationship as it started was doomed from the get go. We were ALWAYS together, never had any space, and never had that break period between us and our past relationships. It has been a very intense relationship. So, it was mutually decided that we would keep our space from each other and not continue seeing each other. It was very sad, but it did make me feel better knowing how he felt.

I went to sleep and woke up to him calling at 2:30 a.m. I thought this was very odd. He told me that he couldn't sleep because he had a lot on his mind. I asked him what was bothering him. He said "Everything." I tried to get him to elaborate, but he didn't. All I could do was give him suggestions on how he could relax. I am still not sure what he wanted. It seemed like he had something to say, but couldn't get it out. I could just hear the pain in his voice. We talked for a while, though I was half asleep. I eventually let him go, reminding him to call if he needed anything.

So, I feel this is a start. I feel like we both know where we are at now, but I am still confused. I feel like I am meant to be with him, based on our past and how we have always felt about each other. I also feel like this time apart may bring us closer together if we do start over again.

I guess my question is: Will we get back together if we stick to our plan of staying apart? We never really agreed that starting over was what we were going to do, but did we have to? I feel like we both want that to happen, only when the time is right and that would mean that I have to leave it up to him. I just hope my impression of our conversations is correct. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Thanks for your interest... I know this was rather long.