Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Confessions of an Abuser

Am I 100% at fault here?
Yes
No
Yes, but she is too
0%  0%  [ 0 ]
50%  50%  [ 1 ]
50%  50%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 2
Ok here goes...I'm 99% sure I'm an abuser but I have my doubts based on some of the things I think about.

Background: I went on an online website for adult friends when I was 20 (I'm 25 now). I met a lady who was 35. We talked for a few months before I finally met her. We did have sex the first night. We continued to meet about once a week. She was still living in her house with her ex-husband while trying to sell their house after the divorce. A few months later she confided in me that her husband threatens to kill her sometimes and she was scared. I offered to help her by putting her in an apartment.

We began dating and realized we really liked each other. I moved in with her about 6 months after dating her. During this time I was recovering from a bad back injury and she was beginning to have emotional problems from her recent divorce. She did tell me one time she thought she would need space for several months and wanted me to leave. We talked about it and decided I would stay but that we weren't a committed couple and that we would share bills.

Life kept moving on and we did have some problems. She was not very good with her finances and tend to not pay bills or inofmr me she paid the bills. Many times I would have to open the mail to find out a bill had not been paid. If I confronted her she always had an excuse. It angered me after this problem occurred every month. We started fighting more and more about finances. I admit I would begin to lose my cool more and more. We had more shouting matches, no physical violence or anything ...yet. We also began having problems with our sex life. She would tease me throughout the day and be flirty through texts and when we talked on the phone and then when we came home she'd act like nothing ever was said or as if I had no recourse for my desire being ramped up. Sometimes we would fight about it and I do feel this is wrong now as it is not right to assume she wanted to have sex or maybe she really felt too tired once she came home.

We moved into another apartment in 2009. She insisted my name not be on the lease. I admit during this time I was online talking to women on the same site I met her. In a really bad decision I went to her and asked if I could date another woman. She said ?Yes and even encouraged the idea. After I met and sex sex with this woman she was very distraught. But, she wanted to meet the woman and we ended up having a three way with her. I hated th eexperience and would never do this again. She blamed me and held it over my head for the rest of our relationship. A few months later she cheated on me and never told me about it. I didnt find out uintil several years later. I also began having an internet porn addiction. We became emotionally distant and we constantly fought and would have a lot of money troubles. I was alays bailing her out of her bills or picking up more than I needed to. We lived there for 2 years and there was still not physical violence. During this time she had lost a job and began working at a job way below her monetary means. I would lose my cool with her a lot sometimes for little things and we still fought about sex, money, and all the things people shouldn't fight about. I did much more of the yelling and name calling. Every now and then I would break an item in the apartment like a candle or a tea glass. Never threw anything at her or hit her though. I did feel like she would push my buttons all the time and like I never get a concrete answer from her.

In 2011 we moved into a house we leased (had to have my name on it for us to be approved). I began nursing school during this time. We continued to fight over all the same things. I had also been helping her with weight loss the past few years and she had lost 80 lbs but she began to quit doing her exercise routine. She always told me I was emotionally abusing her because hwne we'd fight I call her names and would be very angry and scream over her. Also during this time my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and I was having to help him all the time with his surgeries and recovery. I was still talking to women online and looking at porn. About July 2011 things exploded. We had a money issue again she hid from me and I completely lost it.

We had a major fight and she threatened to call the police. I grabbed her cell phone and warned her not to come after me. She grabbed my arm and I threw her on the floor, restrained her by putting my body weight on top of her and screamed into her ear. After a few minutes I let her up and I smashed her phone against the wall. She ran out of the house presumably to the police station. I waited but nobodyy came so I went to my Dad's house. I came back later that night but she wasnt there. I waited until she came home and then I questioned her if she had the condom she always kept in her purse. She couldnt find it and I assumed she just went out and had sex. I was mad so I went back to my Dad's house and I invited a woman over who had always wanted to sleep with me. We had sex that night and I admit I did it purely because I was angry and wanted to get back at her. It was wrong. I told her I did this 3 days later. She said she could never fogive me and how could I do this. She confessed a month later she had cheated on me aa few years ago., This made me really angry because she id it from me for so long. I went back to talking to women online again and we continued to stay together but we fought a lot. Thanksgiving 2011 se even went to her families by herself. I admit I lost my cool and called and texted her the whole time she was there because I felt very hurt. It was wrong.

When she came back we made a pact top have a fresh start. I wouldnt yell or scream or be violent and she would not push my buttons and try to be more concrete in her commnunication. We did good for a little while and then slowly slipped back into being angry all the time at each other. We had another blow up a few weeks ago. Here is what happened:

We took my father out for his birthday. First time she had ever met him. Had a good night. Watched the superbowl with him the next day. Had a good night. Then Monday night following the superbowl we were watching T.V> about 9pm at night and I was about to fall asleep when she asked me why I was giving her the silent treatment. I asked her what she wanted to talk about and she would not respond. I asked her again and no response. Said I would go to sleep now. Then my cell phone began to ring. She grabbed it from underneath my hand and answered it. IT was a lady calling about my moms car we were selling. She told her we already sold it and hung up. I asked her why she did that. She said,"You know why". This sparked off an all night and all morning fight. I admit I should've stopped but we kept fighting all night and all morning. I realize now she may have been referencing the fact I was looking at porn and not telling her. I was not talking to women anymore onlin. Tuesday during the day we sort of made up. But Tuesday night she came after me again. This time I yelled at her to go to bed and leave me alone. I selpt on the couch. During the day Wednesday we didnt make up but we didnt fight much. Then Wednesday night she began bringing up every hot topic issue in our relationship. I told her to leave me alone. Say something good to me or leave me the hell alone. She wouldnt. I finally lost my cool agai nand she began to pack up as if to leave. I felt she was being dramatic. I stood in herway in the bedroom and demanded she talked to me. She just kept saying I had no right to restrain her. She began waving her phone in my face and threatening to call the police. I grabbed her phone, she grabbed my arm and we fell onto the bed together. I got the phone out of her hand and she ran to the bedroom window. She opened it up and started screaming HELP HELP ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE. She screamed for a long time and I did nothing. I just stood there sort of dumbfounded. Shethen tried to crawl out the window! At this point I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her back in. I calmly handed her phone back to her. I went and got my house keys. Handed her my house keys. I began packing up and putting my clothes in my car. It was about midnight. She came in and sat on the sectional. She said you SOB, I'm going to charge you with assault and slap a rrestraining order on you. I felt I hadn't really abused her at this point so I called the police. They came over and didn't find any cause to arrest me. So I left for the night. We began areguing by text througjout the day Thursday. She threatened the restraining order again if I didn't leave her alone. So I left her alone. She still went and got the restraining order.

The next 2 weeks were hell. We remained in constant contact. She feigned sometimes to want to work things out. Other times saying I put my hands on her and she will never allow it again. At the courtroom she threatened to prosecute me if I didn't sign the order of consent. Becuase I had contacted her repeatedly it didnt matter if she contacted me or not. She even admitted she only talked to me to build the case I was stalking her so she could get this order.

I had no choice but to sign the consent and she signed a form saying she wouldnt prosecute me. Now we have a one year permanent restraining order that automatically renews in a year.

I know I definitely lose my temper more than I should. The restraining and taking of the phone was wrong. But I feel like these consequences are way above and beyond what was needed. We could've just broke up, she could've just left, changed her number or whatever. It doesn't excuse my behavior but I feel like she has abused the system. She even admits she doesn't think I'm a true physical threat to her.

Could use some thoughts on this. Tell me the brutal honest truth about myself. I do feel she is highly manipulative. I gave her a lot of money over our relationship. I shared my bank account, credit card, and named her beneficiary to aqll my property. She never did the same for me.

I definitely need to seek counseling as an abuser but I also feel abused and controlled in this relationship. Please help. I do love her and I will find it very difficult to not contact her over this next year. But if I do I will be prosecuted and lose my career so I think I can persist.
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replied February 22nd, 2012
Experienced User
I wouldn't classify you as an abuser as such. As someone who can't control his temper? Yes.

Undoubtedly there was a tonne of provocation and you were both to blame for creating, and persisting with, such a volatile and adversarial relationship. Having read through your story I can't believe that you kept going for so long. You should have ended it a long time before you did, because the relationship was clearly toxic and was making neither of you happy.

I think that this restraining order is a blessing in disguise because it forces the two of you apart. Hopefully you can both move on with your lives and learn from the experience that you've had.

Seek help for your anger, perhaps, if you feel that it gets out of control. Other than that, stay away from her and focus on building a life and possibly a relationship that you can be proud of.

You say that you still love this woman but there was little evidence of love in this relationship from either side. Love brings people together, it doesn't tear them apart and it doesn't seem them working against each other on the majority of occasions.
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replied April 1st, 2012
nothing but the truth
seems to me life is way too short and there are too many "fish in the sea" to stay in a relationship where all yall did was make each other miserable....i doubt if u really love her so much as maybe an addiction to being in a "whirlwind" relationship and addicted to the drama it caused. Move on and next time get to know someone better before u move in together. seems to me she used men to foot her bills and have a place to live...she went directly from her husband to u and even tried to tell u that her husband was abusive....not sure if u realized it but that seems to be a pattern with her. she was obviously using you and she isnt worth doing jail time or losing your career over
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replied September 2nd, 2013
Yes, you are an abuser. Read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" You are a textbook abuser.
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