I'm 17 and have/have had a lot of the symptoms you have described. I recently went and saw a new doctor because my regular doctor had no free appointments. When i spoke to this new doctor she mentioned to me that the symptoms i was displaying could be the first signs of bipolar and so i should keep an eye on it. Therefore it could be possible that you might be experiencing it. Don't be afraid of this being the problem because an answer might finally give you the piece of mind that you are looking for

Don't be worried that they will think that you are a hypochondriac because you most definately aren't. What you are experiencing is real and you simply want answers. I know what it's like to get constant test results back saying that there is nothing wrong with you when you know that there is. Perhaps go and see a different doctor than who you would normally see as they can give you a fresh opinion and you won't need to worry about them thinking of you as a hypochondriac. I hope that this was in some way of help. I find that sometimes knowing that you're not alone in your situation and that there are others that feel the same way can help.

Brandyalice, Thank you for so much for sharing with me. I think that you're very brave voluntarily seeking help at 17 - I wish I'd sought serious help when all of this started instead of keeping it all a secret and being frightened - which I'm still doing now. You're right about an answer finally providing peace of mind (well if that's possible with bipolar?)but it's still a terrifying topic to broach with the doctor.

I'm just so tired of keeping secrets and being frightened. I just hit the tip of the iceberg with my initial post. In addition to all I wrote, over the years I've had some serious delusions, although i seriously believed them at then time - I've heard friends having horrible conversations about me and saying terrible things about me when in fact there was nobody there (I'm alone in the house and I think I can here them from home at the club I've left miles away!?!(or they weren't saying any such thing if they were nearby). My poor boyfriend has put up with ridiculous paranoia, and there have been times when I've been certain the house is under surveillance (for god knows what) and that there were people hiding in my cupboards, as well as some rather macarbe things about myself that I'd rather not go into. I can't even believe I'm writing this, it's the first time Iever admitted it to anyone.
I've had horrific aguments with my boyfrind over nothing at all, flying off the handle for buying the wrong brand of something and getting very nasty about it all. I've been violent (though this hasn't happened for a while thank god.
On the creative and academic side I get very obsessed with things, and I just can't stop until its done. I'll sometimes work all day non stop on a project, can't think of anyhting else, and even when I'm really into it theres an element of being out of control because I can't stop researching this or that or the other, I HAVE to do it. And sometimes its a load of rubbish when I look back over it all no matter how fabulous it seemed at the time. I get carried awy with plans for my projects, spending money I don't have on tools and equipment for my projects - I have run up credit card debts this way, then the stuff sits there for months unused because I'm onto something else or I'm just not feeling anything at all so not doing anything and unmotivated.
I've curently completely alienated myself from my friends - I don't return calls, messages etc. This has happened so many times in my life. I have had sets of friends who I then alienated and drifted from because I want to forget who I was or what I did when I was friends with them, or because I've become a hermit and hits been to hard to rekindle the friendships. I guess I try to reivent my self and forget what's happened. The same at work - I start out with a great reputation, committed, hard working,juggling a million afterwork commitments at once as well - people ask me how I fit it all in... then I get depressed and keep getting ill, can't function for the lethargy , have no passion for anything, can't get anything started lose interst in everything, drop all my commitments and eventually leave jobs while I can still get any kind of a good reference - cut my losses so to speak.
I attempted suicide when I was a teen and would never do that again but when I'm depressed I often think that if I were to get run over it wouldn't be the end of the world, or that I can't bear to exist this way anymore but there's no way to escape my own head.
I love my boyfriend and my family so much and would never leave them. When life is good its fantastic - I'm very lucky. It's just so hard sometimes and I can't tell anyone because I'm afraid so I clam up. But when its black its black. I wish I could have the highs all the time. I don't know why I'm writing anymore. Just carthasis I think. I need to vent what I'm thinking and hae been avoiding about thinking all these years. And if anyone has any advice please let me know. Thanks.

Firstly, it’s fantastic that you finally are talking about this. It’s going to be the first step to your recovery. In the beginning I couldn’t talk to anyone and even now I only have one friend (asides from doctors) that I tell everything to.
The mind is a very curious thing. Perhaps as a way of trying to cope with your health it created these delusions. But it would definitely be something worth mentioning to a doctor. Plus I often find myself obsessing over small things and often becoming paranoid. Your paranoia may simply be just on a much larger scale.
I find that it is often the little things that annoy me the most. Perhaps this is because I would prefer to focus on them rather than looking at the larger and more frightening things in my life.

When I started shutting myself away from the world my doctor made me promise to go out and socialize once a week no matter how bad I was feeling. Maybe you could try this?

Forgetting was something that I longed for; that I still long for. But there was no way for me to forget or escape. I used to sit in the bottom of my cupboard in the darkness with my ipod in and pretend like nothing else existed and for a while, I was able to forget. It was peaceful and calm and I didn’t have to think. As you said, there's no way to escape my own head. Thoughts are constantly going around in circles and they continue to do so unless I can get them out. I am a very artistic person and so for my Unit 4 Studio art folio I based it around my emotions and used it as a form of self expression. When I was angry I would go and stab a canvas and splash it with ink and paint and then draw tiny stick figures that represented how I felt. At times they were often stabbing themselves or just crying. But I found that it helped. Writing also helped. Sometimes I would write a constant stream of thoughts for 5-10 minutes in which I would write down everything that came to my head. And afterwards my head felt a little less cramped and as if it had a little more space in it. I’m not saying that these solutions would work for you but they may help, and it can’t hurt to try.

I hope that maybe some of what I have said has been of some use. I wish you all the luck in your recovery.

Hi Mrs Pepperpot, When I was reading your post it just sounded so familiar to a lot of things I go through and have gone through with my disorder. Have you ever researched "Borderline Personality Disorder"?? Check it out and let me know what you think.

Hi and thanks for your replies.
Brandyalice, I too am very creative and escape into it, although at times like now I feel like all my creativity has left me. I would love to escape into it right now but it just isn't there.

Wendyrs, I just looked up borderline personality disorder and read quite a bit about it, and whilst some of it did ring true, alot of it didn't, not in the way that bipolar seems to fit in most things I've read about it.

I wish that I didn't need to find an answer and I wish I didn't feel I need help, but I do I think. I just need to get the courage to do something about it. There's just such a stigma about things like this it's so hard and I'm scared.

Well, the good thing is that you do know that you need help, and that's ok. It's also ok to feel scared, anyone would. The great thing is that you are going into this with some knowleadge and understanding of your illness. Most people don't have that to start off with. Don't worry about the stigma. Just be your own advocate and get the help you deserve. I wish you well.

Thank you so much. I have to make an appointment to review my anti-depressant that has stopped working anyway so hopefully I'll have the courage to bring it up then. I know these things are not any confirmation but I've taken a few online tests, the goldberg test for bipolar and the self assessment tool on www.mdf.org.uk and scored way way above the threshold for serious possibility if bipolar, so now I don't think I'm being so paranoid and have some concrete info to take with me.
If anyone has any advice about how they have broached the subject of bipolar I'd really appreciate it it - it's hard to know what to say and there's so much to cover.
Thanks x