I've developed my own kind of eating disorder over the past year. On good days, which vary from 5-6 times a week, I'll eat around 600-700 calories. However, on bad days, which I've been having way more frequently than I used to, I can eat somewhere between 2000 to 4000 calories. I used to be a little overweight, dropped about 30 lbs, gained 10 back, lost 5 more, gained 2 back.

I feel like a useless piece of fat crap. I haven't had my period since last July. I'm 15, I got my period when I was 11, and it was very regular up until then.

On Friday in school, I was sitting in my desk when I suddenly fainted. I've still been feeling dizzy and weak since then, and my heart is weirdly hurting. However, for the past three days I've been eating a lot - ranging from 1200 to maybe 2500 today.

Whenever I hang out with friends, we usually buy tons of crap food and just pig out. I hardly ever "binge" by myself. I started to binge with friends to almost prove to them that I didn't have an eating disorder because I was losing weight so rapidly, but now it's just out of control. I can't stop myself from just stuffing my face until my stomach is about ready to explode.

I don't know what's going on with my body - I'm confused, lonely, worried. I've been dealing with on and off depression. I have this need to be perfect - I just want to look effortlessly flawless to strangers and friends (most of my friends are skinny, tall and blonde), and I have no idea why. It's almost like a subconscious thing - As I'm typing this now, I know it seems silly and absurd but I just can't help it.

I don't know what I'd call myself, eating disorder wise. I don't know why I'm fainting or why I haven't had my period - I'd think that the "binge" days could lead to enough body fat to prevent those.

I'm so torn between caring and not caring. I don't want to gain weight and be fat again, but I don't want my life to cycle around dieting and calories. I want to enjoy just one or two slices of pizza without feeling guilty OR without shoving the whole thing down my throat. HELP!