For many years i have been struggling with depressed feelings. I used to think it was just teen angst or a phase i was going through but over 8 years later not much has changed. I feel as though this depression is ruling my life. I am constantly sad. I am always lethargic. I lose interest in everything i try to do within minutes. I constantly feel alone. Although im not suicidal i think about death more and more, what it would be like, or ill think maybe ill crash on the highway and die and be done with life or get clipped crossing the street. Im 22 years young and in college but this constant lethary and not caring or wanting to do anything has made me stop going to classes most the time. Im throwing money away paying for school. Im horribly in debt from it and getting nothing from it. Out of 5 semesters ive barely accumulated 30 credits. Yet i feel completely unmotivated to better myself, i keep asking myself what is the point. What is the reason for any of it? Why go to school and get a job? Why care? I feel like id rather just sleep indefinetly and never leave my room. Also i was never really healthy ive always been a bit over weight but recently its getting to the point where i dont eat all day cuz im never hungry but then at night when my depression gets worst i binge horribly. One binge meal a day can not be good.

There are many things that make me sad but i dont know if it is really these affecting me so or are they just fueling the depression i already have. My family life is miserable, my father is an abusive alcoholic. We get into physical fights more and more often. He has never been a father figure in any way my whole life and frankly i despise him.

Relationships have always gone sour for me, i was engaged to be married but that ended when she cheated on me 3 times. I forgave her the first time but couldnt again let alone twice more. After that ive been in more relationships where i was just used for money. Even the current whom i am so terribly in love with has already shown me that i am nothing to her but sumone to take her out and buy her things. Yet i cant seem to tear myself away.

Ive had my share of drug and alcohol abuse, when my depression peaked in high school i used drugs as an escape. And more recently ive been drinking but have had to stop cuz it has gotten to the point where once i start i wont stop till i am unconscious or vomiting.

Clinical depression runs in my family all my siblings have it. 2 of the 3 have been hospitolized for it. My younger brother and older sister have both attempted suicide and my older sister mutilated herself horribly (not just cutting).
I myself never cut myself but i did used to be in the habit of punching things till i broke my fingers or split open my knuckles. I must admit the pain and relief was amazing but i realized how stupid it was after the 3rd broken finger and all the walls id eventually have to fix.

There has also always been the added pressure from my parents of being the only "normal" one. While the others were hurting themselves or in the hospitol i was the "rock" as they liked to put it and the only one holding the family together. I feel embarrased and ashamed to show weakness or to ask for help because of this.

Im tired of feeling this way. I want to do all the things that used to make me happy. I want to finish school and better myself. I want to care. I dont want to hurt or cry. I want to get help but i dont even know where to begin. I dont even know if there is even anything wrong with me. Am i just sad or is there more to it then that? How do i find out?