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Clinical depression and anxiety

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I'm 40 years old...41 in April! ugh! I'm happily married with 4 kids, and I really have nothing to be unhappy about.
My father commmitted suicide 2 weeks before my 15th birthday. Ok, it's been 25 years, but it's not something you ever get over.
I always thought I wasn't good enough for him to stick around for. But now, I have clinical depression, anxiety, phobias and a touch of OCD.
I know now how my father felt. These demons are horrifying and almost killing me.
Somedays I feel so out of touch with life~like no one else could possibly understand what I'm going through.
I get so anxious that I make myself physically ill. I just want to stay in bed, but even then, it doesn't make me feel any better.
I have no friends~partly because I live in the country and partly because everyone keeps to themselves. I have given my phone numbers to my childrens' friends moms, and they never call.
Do they see that I'm just "weird"?? Can they sense that I am anxious and depressed??
I am so ridden with anxiety & so depressed that I am seriously thinking of committing myself to the psychiatric ward, just so that I can get some one on one help.
I see a psychologist now...I also see a psychotherapist. I am on 5 different meds...
It's a tough road, and I'm tired of going it alone. My poor husband... I feel so bad for him. He's trying so hard to help me and be there for the kids...I don't know what I'd do without him.
Is there anyone out there who would like to be email buddies.... I need someone who knows what I'm going through.
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replied January 18th, 2009
Also new here...
Hi, I'm suffering from depression and major irritability and occasional anxiety. I have some ocd as well. I'm 27, recently married and have a 3 year old daughter. Some days (today being one) I feel like my head's going to explode and just picking up my husbands clothes off the floor made me burst into tears! I have a few people I could talk to but tend not to as I don't think they really understand and my husband, although he wouldn't say it, I'm sure he thinks just pull yourself together. I'm worried my state of mind will affect our marriage and so it may help just to have someone with similar problems to communicate with.
Sorry about your father,like you say, that's not something you'd ever get over, I know I wouldn't so you've every right to still feel hurt.
If you want to chat anytime that'd be good.
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replied January 18th, 2009
Hi!
Hi, I know just how you feel...I could just cry at any given moment...for no apparent reason! I'm very irritable and get so agitated sometimes, I just have to walk away! I usually take my iTouch and go into the bathroom and play Yahtzee just to calm down! lol
It's hard to tell people...but, you know what? I have started to let people know that I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It hasn't really changed anything~I thought I might get a little more support from my siblings, but that hasn't happened. Don't be afraid to tell people. Some people have even opened up to me with their diagnoses!
Can you go to a psychologist? Or even a psychotherapist? They may be able to help you and help in your marriage.
For a long time, my husband ignored me and just took the kids and went out for the day. Fine with me! lol But, I took him to the dr. with me a few times and they were better able to explain things. I have bought books and borrowed books from the library....I try to read anything and everything I can about my "problems".
I am hanging on every day. I can honestly say that if I didn't have my husband, kids and Mom... I wouldn't be here right now.
It's a tough road. There are so many facets to all this...but I have a wonderful psychologist who is determined to help me through. I have just got to give it time.
And so do you! Please feel free to email me anytime...I don't know if I can print my email address on here so that we can skip this part... I'll try to figure that out!
Where do you live?? I'm in Massachusetts... cold, snowy and depressing!!!
Take a shower~use some pretty soaps and sprays~give yourself a foot massage~do something for YOU!!! I know how hard it is when you have a little one. My youngest is 6 and I know how hard it is to get some "alone time". But, do give it a try. You have to take care of you... no one else can do it for you! I'll try to take my own advice too!
Try to have a good day!
SherrilAnna
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replied January 18th, 2009
SherrilAnna,

I couldn't help but read the posts you have been sharing. Now, I'm an 18 year guy and I have no business or medical background to really support what I'm going to say but if you're truly on the verge then at least hear me out.

I have always viewed depression as just a mental thing. Then again. i'm very naive. I say it's only mental and that you can simply get over it just because I had a very close friend who was on anti-depressants and it hurt me to see her on them. But I noticed that if she wasn't on them and the knowledge of her being medically diagnosed with depression went out the window and she just got in a good mood/attitude, she was the best she could ever be.

Again, I noticed that you said you would go 'play yahtzee in the bathroom' just to feel better. Well that adds on to my supposed "theory" in which you just do something to forget or actually forget that you have depression and just 'do something for yourself' that'll make you feel better and then actually be better. Just with the comfort of knowing how supportive your husband is seems to keep to you going and I am truly happy for you. You have to go on everyday looking at the positives and just being optimistic about everything. Don't allow little irrelevant things ruin your day. There's so much more in this world that are truly terrible. An 11-yr boy in Zimbabwe lost both his parents due to the civil war they had and is now trying to take of himself while rasing his little 3-yr old brother. He crys everyday missing his parents and wanting some help. But them being gone is not going to let him give up on himself and especially on his little brother. Yes, it is hard, it can be extremely hard but you have to keep on. It's sad to say but there is always someone somewhere who has it worse. AND TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE!! Ha, you do have to take care of yourself.

I'm really sorry about what happened to your father and I do believe that could have some effect on you today. But listen to this, you are not your father. You are you. You will set out how you want to live and not how your father did. I apologize if this is coming off offensive but I'm very empathetic and it actually hurts me to know that you're going through pain and I really want to see you get better. For the sake of your kids, your husband, and most of all yourself.

Take care and be happy!
Peace and Love,
Jorge
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replied January 18th, 2009
hi
Hi Jorge, I appreciate your comments and thoughts, but I have to disagree with some. (You knew this was coming, huh?! lol)
I know that if you haven't been depressed...as deeply depressed as I have been, where suicide seemed like the only option for me, then you can't really say anything about it.
If you haven't been through it yourself, you just can't possibly know what it is like.
As far as my going into the bathroom to play Yahtzee on my iTouch, that is my way of removing myself from a situation that could get bad.
My agitation and irritability has caused many bad times in my home and I'd much rather avoid that at all costs!
Your friend may have just been going through a period of depression. But, I have a genetic disposition to depression and anxiety.
Believe me, I know there are worse things in the world to be depressed about.... THIS is NOT how I want to live my life!!
Thanks for your comment!
I wish you nothing but happiness.
SherrilAnna
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replied January 18th, 2009
True Story
Ha I did see somthing like that coming. And you're right I haven't been diagnosed with depression. It may be possible that my friend only had it for a period. But she did mention that her parents have been diagnosed with depression also. Nonetheless, I can't put myself in your shoes.

I hope that whatever takes you away from those anxious and depressed moments in your day takes you FAR FAR AWAY so you don't have to worry anymore ha.

Take care
Peace and Love,
Jorge
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replied January 18th, 2009
Hi again,
In answer to your questions, I'm in Torquay, England, a tiny town by the sea - cold and wet!!
I have been referred to a counsellor twice by my doctor, first time I didn't take to her, she was so timid she made me more anxious! Second one I saw recently and she gave me a load of 'worksheets' to look at which were a bit patronising I thought so I haven't been back. I'm looking into hypnotherapy at the moment!
I think that's a good idea to take hubby to the docs with me though so thanks for that.
And I know exactly what you mean about taking your own advice, why is it so difficult to do that though?!!
Would be great to exchange e-mails and keep in touch. Take care of yourself.
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