Well hello, this is my first and possibly the last topic regarding my problem with insomnia.
I've always had insomnia to some degree, however this past year it became chronic ( haven't slept at all or I black out and don't even remember for the past 4 months, if not more ), and because of it ( I hope ) I feel very depressed and can't get ready for exams at all.
I am 20 year old, smoking, enjoying alcohol ( even though stopped completely 2 months ago ) and doing no drugs what so ever. Smoking however is a big issue because my step-father taught me how to smoke when I was 8 and with some "friends" I've been smoking since then which is horrible. I used to abuse alcohol with my good friends father, drinking at least 5 liters of beer per day till I get drunk to just crash and sleep, but that stopped around 2 years ago.
Now regarding the insomnia itself, the reason I added chronic to the title is because I can't sleep no matter what I do. And i mean litterly, no matter what I do. I've tried almost everything, the medicine doesn't help at all, only makes my brain work worse than it already is, it being impossible to even understand simple equations. I try to go to bed at 11 o'clock and usually spend my time looking at the clock every 30-60 minutes because I always hope that I slept a little. I feel exhausted, however I force myself to work out and socialize with people. I don't think you need much more info on this case. Simply can't sleep while being more awake in 9-12 o'clock in the evening and extremely sleepy during 9-11 in the morning. Only thing that gets me to sleep is getting piss drunk and blacking out, which doesn't really help with the "feeling good" factor.
Regarding depression which I think should be normal considering my current situation. Insomnia was probably just a trigger.I lost my spet-father when I was 12, I was even kind of happy because he was a very strict and good man who only wished me good, but I was simply too young to understand. I've lost my father ( biological )_ when I was 16, it didn't hit me very hard because parents were divorced and he was an extreme alcoholic and liked to abuse my mother while i was too little to understand. However the biggest mystery was when my mother died when I was 19 years old ( two days before my 20th birthday ) due to a failed operation on her tumor in the brain. I haven't cried once, hell I don't even remember the last time I cried in my life. I felt sadness, however few days later I was already back on my normal day cycle. I never talk about my problems with any of my friends or even people I don't know, so I feel like internet is the only place I can talk about my problems. Right now I feel so bad about not having enough of sleep that I feel like crying or even committing suicide ( no I am not brave enough to even attempt it ). Only family i have left is my aunt ( which I moved in with ) who lives in a different country with her foreighner fiance, or how you spell it. He is probably trying to help me by giving me advice and everything, but he's being irrationally strict ( and I am a nice person to everyone, so I really just can't say no and go **** yourself with your ****ed up ideals, pardon my language ) and I need to keep in good terms with him since he helps me with physics and math, him being a phd physicist ( engineering stuff ). My aunt has problems of her own and has a mental condition which causes her to over-react to anything ( don't remember the name ). So I am left to myself, in a country with a different language I don't know. I stated to my aunt and her fiance that I am leaving in summer to go back to my country ( i have an apartment ), since studying by ecstern ( self study through distance ) is hell before exams and I might even need to repeat a year because of that.
So I am open to any advice, by any individual. Thank you in advance.
PS : Not sure if this means something, but when I was in elementary school I got a bit bullied, however since then I've really worked my way up to the point where I am respected by everyone in any school ( I transffered a lot ) and those who don't respect me... well they simply can't do anything against me, or if they try it will be their first and last ( unless they have a mental condition or something ). I am not violent, but I get adrenaline rushes out of no where. I guess that's all.
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