Self Injury Forum - Christian who is depressed and cuts

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Q: Christian who is depressed and cuts

asked by: Gracie012 on August 20th, 2009

Experienced User

I dont understand how I can be feeling this way when God is my father. I have always grown up in a christian family, and my parents arent divorced which is a huge blessing since that isnt the case for so many people I know. I started feeling this way I think when I was 11 or 12. That was when my sister was talking to this guy over the internet for 4 years, and never meeting him once but convinced she loved him. He emotionally abused her, and on occasion me as well. This has scarred my family, and is the reason for my father being so strict, but I can understand why he is so I dont condemn him for it.
I prayed to God a while back to give me something to expand his kingdom, or to be any use to him at all. Then not too long after all of my friends started coming out to me and telling me what is on their hearts. Then people I barley know would tell me things they say they have never told anyone else... my entire life I have always had this "sense" lof people. When I meet someone I can feel what I need to say in order for them to spill what is on their hearts. I dont like how this sounds though, because it sounds like manipulation, and it might be. That is why I have become more silent, so if people want to talk to me then they do on their own free will. I have asked people before why they talk to me about what's going on, and they say that it is because I am willing to listen, and that they feel like I acually do care. Which is true, I love hearing about what is going on in their lives, and it's true that I can listen for hours on end and my attention not waver any...
Anyways, everyone started confiding in me, and what I would hear scared me. I started suffering for my friends. I have always worried for everyone, but now it't to the extreme. I cant sleep because my mind is always working and telling me that they will never be ok. To top it off my father and I have been arguing an awful lot, I think it is because this is the age my sister started talking to that guy online, and he is having horrible flash-backs. But then again, everytime we argue he somehow slipps in that he is still suffering from my sister, and that he cant trust me because of her. The arguments bring back horrible flash-backs for me and I can not take it. At one point I wasnt feeling anything, and I wish I was there again because this is far too much. I dont want to be around anyone, I cant have anyone touch me or look at me. I want to disear and not even be thought of. I dont want anyone worrying about me, they have to much to worry about. I do not deserve to be called a child of god. I cut myself for a release of the pain. I am trying to stop, for I finally told one of my friends who just happens to be a schitzophrenic. He tells me all the time he loves me, but I dont believe him. I lovehim more than anything, and I dont want him worrying over me... I dont know what to do.

Replies(28)

Gracie012

replied on August 20th, 2009

Experienced User

apoliges for the horrid spelling, I was typing rather quick.

kdlee

replied on August 21st, 2009

Supporter

First off Welcome to the forum honey..
Second YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD!
We all make mistakes and we all have our horror stories..That does not change our inside..

How old are you now? Does your dad know about your cutting? If not talk to him..If need be write it out and put it on paper all your worries and fears and give it to him to read..This way you don't forget anything and he will have it in hand..He will be upset because you are physically hurting yourself..Pain is pain and cutting is used mostly to block the outside world pain..BUT-as we know it really doesn't stop the outside pain it actually ends up magnifing it..
You do need to get counceling..The church pastor would be great at helping you with this..If you prefer not going that route, school councelor, therapist..Youneed someoen you can talk all this out with..

Wait on a relationship until you get you stronger..He has his problems and you yours andcombined would not be so healthy..Stay friends and supportive for now would be best bet..

You are listening to the pains of the world..You said you asked God to give yous something to expand his kingdom..He gave you ears to hear..That is a great gift..He said listen not take on..His job is to take on the world..Each thing you have heard you have to give to God..That means you will need to go through memory and say (I release to God who this was intended for)..Then you must say you forgive yourself for taking this on your self when as humans we are not capable of this kind of pain..

Listen to this video each time you have desuire to cut..It is beautiful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMVxzEueJ6A

God Bless honey and one day at a time..kd

Gracie012

replied on August 21st, 2009

Experienced User

Thanks, I guess your right about it not changing who we are... but I am still trying to figure out who I even am.

I'm 15, and no my dad doesnt know about the cutting...
The only people who do know about it is my friend and my youth pastor. And my youth pastor only knows about past cutting(I cant remember if I told him I was thinking about cutting or not). And I told my friend because he knew I was getting depressed without even having to ask me. And I didnt want to lie to him, so I told him when he asked me. I trust my youth pastor with anything, and I love him dearly. I look at him like my spiritual-human father. According to everyone we are almost exactly the same. He was depressed at my age for the same reasons. He has been through almost everything I have been through, he was acually suicidal. But I dont want to put him in a position that requires him having to report this to someone. I dont want him worrying or feeling horrible for my situation. I love him too much to stress him or anybody out. I cant talk to my father about this. For one, I dont want him worrying and I dont want him hurt at all. He has already been through to much with my sister... I cant do that to the family.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Just staying supportive friends. Thanks. : )

I feel like I am letting God down. He gave me work to do, and I am failing... I am trying so hard. I dont have anything to live for if I'm not doing God's work. If it wasnt for this responsibility, I probably would have already been dead... but wouldnt that be giving into the devil?... I dont know, all I know is I want to dissapear and never to be thought of again. All I seem to do is hurt everyone I know and love. I have always tried not to take my friends troubles on myself, but it seems like I am getting weaker with every new problem. Then I feel like I need to punish myself for not being able to take away their burdens... my youth pastor also told me to lift the problems up to God, and I did for awhile. But then one of my friends tragidies struck me hard, and shook me really badley. Then I felt like I needed to help fix it, and that lifting it up to God was like giving up. I know that's not true, but that is what it feels like.

kdlee

replied on August 22nd, 2009

Supporter

Morning honey..You are not a disappoint to God..He knows we slip up..The evil one certainly knows how to touch our minds and heart to imply God is not pleased with us..The evil one is wrong..God loves us unconditionally..

You are right in that you need to not take back what you give to God to fix..We all do this-we pray Lord help me with_______ then we decide to take on the problem ourself as God is just way too busy for such a lame thing as_______..Then you know what happens-we are back to square one..

We are not God and cannot expect to have the same capabilites of supporting the worlds pain..That's why God the Father sent Jesus Christ his son..

we will always have some failures as we are on this world and have a worldly body..Please PM whenever you want..I was off line for afew days but now back..God bless honey..

I still say you need to talk with your dad, family needs to know..He will be hurt-sure..He loves you and doesnt want his little girl hurting herself..But through the tears will come a helper much stronger than your youth pastor..(Though I am glad you talk with your pastor)..Your dad can get you to someone who is stronger in dealing with this..(For your sake it needs to be someone who understands pain and how it affects a cutter and why)..

It doesn't make sense if you step back and think about it..Cutting is a way of afflicting physical pain to bring thoughts from the worldly pain..Why not try a rubber pain and flip it when you want the pain..
k

Gracie012

replied on August 24th, 2009

Experienced User

Sorry, I wasnt able to get on this website for a couple of days, but I'm back. Usually happens over the weekend...
I'm still trying to figure out what unconditional love is... or more so how it can even be possible for someone to love me that way I guess. For I know with all my heart I love my everyone in my youth group, including my youth pastor and his wife, and my schitzo friend unconditionally. I would die for them, and I would do it happily. But that is also why I am hurting for them so much, I guess... but I guess this would be what my youth pastors wife would call a double standard. I want to love, but not to be loved back. I guess I dont feel like I deserve their love, which I would never admit in reality. But what's true is true. I just dont understand how anyone can love me unconditionally. My friend who knows about what is going on says that he wants for me to so badly experience unconditional love, but it just seems so impossible that it hurts...

That's another thing though, I feel so guilty that I put Jesus Christ on that dang cross. It is my sin's that nailed him up there, and I cant stand it. I know he doesnt want us to feel guilty, but grateful. I feel so grateful and humbled and awstruck, but I feel so horrible and dirty for what I have done, even if I cant help it...

I really, really dont think it is a good idea in telling him. This way he doesnt know that I am( or was, my guy friend who knows about this kind of talked me into taking it into steps, so I havent cut myself in a week sinc yesterday) hurting myself. My dad doesnt know anything about this sort of thing, my pastor has been through everything and is the most inteligent human being I know. Along with that, he is incredible wise, I have much respect for him. What are you talking about when you say my father could get someone to help? A councelor? No thank you. I appoligize if I am sounding rude or disrespectful, but I dont know a better way than to just flat out say no thank you.
I appreciate you talking to me and taking interest, and I would like to be friends with you on here if you'd like. I will try to check this as often as possible, I can usually get on during the day.
Thanks,'
Gracie

kdlee

replied on August 24th, 2009

Supporter

Sweet heart you are so young but in many ways very wise..I don't know any other 15 yr old who has asked God to give them something to help in expanding his kingdom..

Unconditional love--to love someone without caring what they have done.. Loving even though they are or are not rich, knowing they have only one leg,arm,eye,ear,hand etc. and love them just the same..To accept without reservation..To love without caring of the past..Loving even knowing of the past..With all blemishes, pains and no frills..
Unconditional love encompasses a human being..This is what God does..
I think we as humans have trouble giving that kind of love but mostly I think we try..

Are you sure you do not want to be loved back? Maybe what you feel in saying not wanting love but not wanting to be a burden to anyone to add to their worries..

If that is the case you are not and would not be a burden..You are a blessing to all who gets to know you..

It is hard when we realize that our sins are part of what placed Jesus on the cross..But, as you know he forgave and this is what we must do..You must forgive
whomever has hurt you, you must forgive yourself of what you feel and have felt..

You need to talk more with your pastor and get to the root of all that is bothering you..

You need to be able to move forward and soemthing is holding you back..

what is that? k

Hailynn88

replied on August 24th, 2009

New User

My goodness hunny, you and your family sound so so much like mine! I really feel I can relate. I grew up in a very very strict home - both parents went to a Baptist church every Sunday - constantly compared to my older sister who wasn't exactly the perfect role model. My parents feared that I would become just like my sister - so they took me out of school, homeschooled through my highschool. We moved constantly so I could never make honest friends, I was so lonely. I was 14 when I started cutting. I really felt for years that I wasn't good enough. I hardly had any friends to care about me, and my parents didn't trust me anyway so it wouldn't matter if I just locked myself in my room and slept all day. I don't know if you call that depression - but I do. One summer, 4 years ago I went to a Bible camp and I met some really outstanding people who I still keep in touch with to this day- I realized that God had been there all along and despite everything I've been through, since I was a baby, has all been for a reason. Everyone I met, every mistake I made wasn't just a coinsidence, everyday is predestined. It got me here to be the person I am today and, from some horrible experiences in my life, I would've loved to have had someone to talk to. I can honestly say I'm proud of you for atleast doing what I couldn't, and actually 'ask' for help. I posted about your friend too - I would like to help you Gracie. & Maybe you can help me...

Gracie012

replied on August 25th, 2009

Experienced User

-Kd,
I really appreciate you calling me wise, I really love hearing that. I am very frustrated with my age group, and I really try to live church everyday instead of going to it every sunday... even with this going on. I'm trying...
That is a very good description of unconditional love. And I agree, humans have a very hard time with this, but I do think that it is possible.
... I think your right on the whole loving issue. Your right, I would love to be loved, and for me to be able to accept it. But everytime I feel like I am loved, I end up screwing it up and they want nothing to do with me. Plus, I really am just a burden on everyone. So I'm trying to make up for it by loving them to the fullest. Now, that doesnt mean that I dont get angry with them or frustrated with them, but it does mean that my love for them doesnt change...
I dont know what is holding me back... I just absoulutly hate sitting on the sidelines watching my friends being hurt and destroyed. It's like a sea of endless pain, and my loved ones being in the center, no paddle, no boat, just drowning, and me not knowing how to swim. But I go out anyways, and all it does is creates two people drowning, and me having to wait and be rescued as well... I can't do this! Watching is destroying me, and by me watching is destroying them. It's a never ending cycle of hurt! I feel like a burning woman, for every eye I turn too has pain branded in it for all eternity...

-Hailynn,
Wow, your right are families are exactly alike... I go to a Baptist church as well as your parents do. Church is my life, and all I have left. God, and everyone in his home. They are my true family. My loved ones...
I really would like to say thank you for saying your proud of me, but I cant. I'm on a website that hides who you are and very vegue discussions. I talked to my youth pastor once about depression and a eating dissorder I picked up because of that. But he doesnt know about the cutting or anything recent...the only other person who does know is my guy friend, whom just so happens to be the guy I was talking about on the other forum you said you posted something on. I love him dearly, and he is my best friend. I am very fortunant that my family feels it would be better for me to stay in one place, so I havent had to move away from him or any of my beloved family at the church. But really, I cant with a heathy consience accept that your proud. Thank you, and I would love to keep talking to you. I think your right, we could very well help each other...

Thank you both, and hope both are well,
Gracie : )

kdlee

replied on August 25th, 2009

Supporter

Honey you are strong in faith no doubt..But, you are a teenager and shoule be out there doing teenage things..You can still love God with all your heart and give to others and be with teenagers..I think you have been around adults so long that you talk likeone of us..Are you sure you are only 15? lol..It's ok honey..

It is a never edning cycle all that humans have to go through daily..What Christ goes through is even worse..But, he does not want us doing that, he wants us to turn it over to him..DId I tell you about the bows and wrapping it and carrying it up to the heavens and placing all your worreis, fears, friends,loved ones in
the box at his feet and leaving it there? This is what you must do to move foreward..Ask God what he wants from you..Listen to what he has to say..Make it simple and to the point..Lay out things that will draw your attention and God...

Let this be an experiment of love so to speak..
1.Lay out pictures or the names of those on your bed whom you stress over
2.Lay out on your bed the bible
3.Lay out on the bed things you would like to do-boating, cycling, what ever it is
4.Lay out on your bed what you have been doing--write the names of all you are so concerned over
5.Lay out on the bed what you have done
6. Lay out on the bed what you have asked God to do for these people

By laying these things on your bed you will be offering to God your life in a different way.. Now you are asking what do you want me to do Lord..

Let people into your life..Let them love you..We all screw up honey--we are human..None not one lives perfectlyh day to day..We can try to walk in Gods shoes and we might do a little step but we are not so perfect that we won't stray..You are human honey so let God do his work through you as he sees fit..

Let God say relax I got the wheel..Did you eaver hear that song Jesus take the wheel? If not you should and if you have you need to let him..

You need a big ole hug and a healthy cry and then say Lord it's all yours I'm gonna go have some fun with my BF..

Every eye holds pain but the wisdom goes in looking past the pain into the soul and that is what God does..He looks past pour pain to heal inside out..Let him heal you that way..Please PM o that I can keep up with you..ok K

Gracie012

replied on September 1st, 2009

Experienced User

Hey, I have a question that I thought shouldbe acually postedinstead of on a PM...

So to substitute cutting, I have using a rubber band to try and simulate maybe the cutting effect. Though, it isnt as helpeful as the cutting had been for my emotionas, the rubber band still has its effects. Is using a rubber band bad to user as a substitute. I have been thinking about cutting an awful lot latley, and I think that using a rubber band is better than acually cutting yourself, physically better for you I mean... but im not sure.

Gracie.

kdlee

replied on September 1st, 2009

Supporter

That's great honey..Many people do this..It is physically better..Another step forward..k

red_fang

replied on September 5th, 2009

New User

Hey, take it easy, don't be hard on yourself...

You are still such a child, I mean, no matter how smart or strong your faith is, you deserve having grownups take care after you. If there is no such adult in your life, please try to find help elsewhere, but do understand you don't have to carry everything alone, your self hate and situations and much less others problems. When you turn older you'll understand that many things you suffered through weren't really your fault but others, specially if they are related to your family, not that it gives you any reason to hate but it does give one for self compassion.

Believing in God requires grace. As it is, you are doubting his power or his love for your friends. Your suffering and tears aren't for God, they are for your own sake, because under your circumstances they are the only thing that can reach you. Please, understand that pleasing God involves seemingly painful changes like enjoying your age and being yourself and taking responsibility for your own happiness.

I'm sorry If I sound patronizing, I constantly struggle with this things myself and that's why I had the need to post this.

Tarimisu

replied on September 6th, 2009

Experienced User

Wow. This sounds like I could've written it. Seriously, down to the last part where you mentioned that you don't want your friend to worry about you... and the part where you mentioned that your mind works in 'overtime' just to think of things to say to your friends.
I'm like that, too.
PM me, please, and we can talk more. Smile

All the best.

Gracie012

replied on September 9th, 2009

Experienced User

How can I please God by pleasing myself? That sounds very selfish, im sorry. Besides, I wouldnt even know how to start...
Yes, I cry for myself, I hate it when I do but I do.
But I cry because God has given me ears to listen, but not the hands to heal. It seems like a cruel joke or something. I know it isnt, but that is exactly what it feels like. I know the answers to most of my questions, but most the time I dont believe the answer even though I know its true. So I appoligize if I sound redundant, but I want to know what others think, cause my answers could most deffinatly be wrong...
haha, and sorry. You talk about having grace, when Grace really is my middle name. Ha, I have always thought my parents named me that cause they had a bad sense of humor or something, cause I am anything but graceful. I cant walk across a smooth, flat stable serface without finding something to trip over... but then I thought after someone mentioned this too me... they say I give grace to people who dont deserve it(which I disagree with, everyone deservs grace I think). But, then maybe grace is a fitting middle name then... haha, sorry, that just caught my attention too.

Thanks to all who have been responding,
Gracie : )

Gracie012

replied on September 10th, 2009

Experienced User

... am I doing this to myself? I mean, is that even possible? I try everyday to make it better, but I'm just getting worse and weaker... someone told me that I am choosing to be depressed again, but I'm not! Who would choose this?

Gracie012

replied on September 16th, 2009

Experienced User

... I slipped up. I cut myself on my arm for the first time last night. I am so ashamed, it just happened. I just havent done it for so long, I just felt like I needed to do it, though I know it was a huge mistake...

Tarimisu

replied on September 19th, 2009

Experienced User

Gracie012: I think that what is happening to you isn't really "pleasing yourself" per say. You might think that you're pleasing yourself, because the pain goes away. Momentarily! That's the key word.
Momentarily. I struggle with this, too. I feel SO unworthy of God's grace! Of His peace...but He reminds me that He loves me daily. WHY!?

You need prayer, friend. I will pray for you.
You mention that "who would choose this?" Do you really think you chose it? Yes, intitally, you did, but if you actually want to be free...you can. You can break free from this addictive cycle!!

Mistakes occur. It's okay--we move on.

Gracie012

replied on September 22nd, 2009

Experienced User

If you have read any of my post before when I was talking to kdlee, then ou would understand that your right... we are almost exactly alike. I feel SO unworthy of Gods grace, its rediculous... How does he remind you?

... Thank you friend, I appreciate that more than you could know.
In a way, yes I chose to cut... I guess a better way to describe it is an addiction. I dont want to quit because it feels like it helps. I know in my mind that it doesnt at all, but I keep doing it! Since that last post I made, I have been cutting almost every night... I had the worst fight with my parents I have ever had before, and right after the worst panick attack. I cried literally all night, and I didnt know what else to do. When I was cutting myself, I felt like I had to catch my breath real quick, then I got back control over myself... it helped, or so it felt like... I'm debating so much on telling my youth pastor. But then he has to tell my parents! I dont know if I want to go there. Plus, Whats the diffrence of them knowning, and not knowing!?

Gracie012

replied on September 30th, 2009

Experienced User

(sorry if im treating this like a blog, but i just need to spill my guts, wheither anyone can help me or not.)

...ok, im getting worse. I now cut at school. I've been having this regular headache, and I've been using cutting to help it. If I just focuse on the cutting and if I watch the blood, then im focusing more on that then the horrible headache. Then it stays away for a little while, like and hour or two. Always there, just dulled. Then it comes back, I get a hall pass. Go and cut just enough to dull the headache till it passes. Then I wait till I can gather myself, then I go back to class. I'm using cutting for everything! I started cutting my arm too instead of my upper arm. I tryed cutting my wrist just a little once, the bad part is I liked it...

I've just recently hear a theory on why people cut. And I think it applies to me as well, like this is one reason why I cut. It hit a cord inside of me when I heard it... the theory is that the people who cut just feel so horrible and ugly and usless and hideous on the inside, that they have to make their outside the same way. Its an expression of the pain were going through. It reminds us of the pain we are in, a reminder that we feel...

I am far worse than I was when I first posted this blog on this forum months ago. I am starting to consider things that I never would have before. Taking risks that I never would have before. I'm in depression again, and I dont know what to do anymore. I dont have the energy to fight this anymore. I just want to be with my Father in heaven. I want to feel loved.
...I know what im thinking and doing is not healthy at all. So I have been debating on telling my youth pastor. I just dont know how to get into it, or what I would say. This is all emotions. If I show him that I have been cutting, he would tell my parents. I dont want them to take away my cutting, its the only thing I have anymore. But I know I need to tell him about it... I just dont know if I have the strength or energy to want to recover or fight anymore. It doesnt feel worth it. At all...

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