hello stillwithpain,
i am deeply touched by your life story, it is by no means an easy one.
the very fact that you are here, and have shared this much of your story says that you are looking to face and resolve the things that happened to you.
sometimes, just to share what happened to us can take a burden off of our shoulders. do you have someone close to you that you feel like you can share this with in real life?
if not, there are very caring and compassionate therapists out there that would be able to guide you through the process of releasing these feelings in a safe and secure way.
i'm sure that you will find beneath the bewilderment alot of anger and resentment. sometimes the things that happen are so awful and without any reason, and yet we continue... this leaves us in a very strange situation.
it seems that the people that did this to you suffered from their own sort of sickness, and were probably also violated when they were younger. even if you understand why or how these things happened it may take many years for you to fully accept it, and to process this.
all i can say is this. sometimes we have to work with what we are given, so i would encourage you to use this pain and to channel it into love, into creativity, and into compassion for others.
i am sure that you will find that having gone thru this, that you may be able to help many others who may be taking it much worse than you.
my prayers go out to you
-daniel