I must say I feel a little funny putting my problems on the internet but lately Iâm not to sure what to do. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to or even just someone who will listen. So here goes. Iâm 19 and lately Iâm not sure whatâs going on with me. I guess I should go back to how it all started. When i was 9mo old my father left my mother, brother, and me. The court said he had every other weekend with us after that. However when we were suppose to be with him he was out with his girlfriend or somewhere other then with us. We ended up spending the weekends with my grandparents. To make it better my grandmother didnât like me when i was little because i wouldnât carry on my last name. Therefore my brother was gold to the family. My grandfather became more like a father to me then my real one. When i was younger my father would tell my brother and i mommy loves her truck more then you (that was her source of income) As i got over i started to think it was me, i was the reason he left. I couldnât take it. 6yrs old and you think your the reason your parents split up and your father doesnât come around or call. As i got older i resent him. Then came my first boyfriend and school sports. I loved sports i was apart of a team, i felt needed. 14yrs old life is good no bill or worries.. or so you think. After being with him for about 6mo he wanted a lot more out of the relationship then i did and wouldnât take no for an answer. Thatâs when i started to cut myself. I didnât want to be around anymore just wanted to run away and hide. I was told if i left him he would kill himself. Who wants to be the reason someone is dead even if you donât like them for things then have done. I started to feel really low and hurt. Turns out while he was with me he was with about 5 other people. A while after that came a 2 yr long relationship at the age of 15 or so. At first everything was great i felt like he really did like me for who i was. But that didnât last long at all. I soon got tired of him. I found myself fighting and getting mad all the time. It got to the point where i got so mad i put a hole in a wall. I wanted to hurt myself and didnât care. All i wanted was to be able to talk to someone anyone. My mother wasnât around to talk she was always working trying to make ends meet. She always tried to be more like a friend then a mother. Around this time my grandfather started to get sick and not be able to remember me. I the amount of one year all of my dream and hopes i had with him in them came crashing down. I will never have him there when i get married or have children or to see who i have become. My father cannot remember who i am its been about 5 years and i cant get over that. The last two times Iâve seen him i havenât even said one word to him, not even one. I couldnât even say i love you. All i could do is choke up and try not to cry. When i turned 18 i met the guy of my dreams. He wasnât like anyone i had ever been with. He was so nice, smart, cute, and caring. I loved being in his arms i felt like everything was ok even if it was just for that minute. We ended up going on vacation together over the summer. We had so much fun together. I didnât want to come home. I felt like once i left the state all my problem and fears had stayed there. For that one week i had the relationship i had dreamed about. Waking up and falling asleep next to the person you love, just enjoying each other. Then it was time to come home. The dreaded reality. It felt like once we felt apart of us stayed there. We became distant. We donât hug and kiss as much. He use to walk through the door and give me a big hug and kiss and not let me go. Now i get a kiss on the cheek or one with less passion i guess you could say. I miss that, i miss us. I find myself getting snappy and i donât know why or how to change it. I find myself going back to the way i use to be. We think it has something to do with me swapping to 3rd shift, i hope thatâs it. We fight all the time now. I throw things i yell and say things i donât mean just to hurt him because Iâm hurting. No madder how mad i get i know i love him. The more i do to be mean the more he stops caring and the more i hurt. Therefore its an endless cycle. I donât want to hurt or push away the one good thing in my life. I use to have my life planed out. I wanted to have a house, good job, kids, and be married by 25. I wanted to do everything young so i could enjoy everything and be a young parent. I use to want a baby after high school just so i could have someone to love but i knew that would not be a good choice. Turns out he doesnât really want kids but would settle for them. I donât want you to settle for a new life i want you to love it and want it. I want to move to the south but his family is all here. I know he never said it and never would but i feel like i have to give up what i want to have someone i love. Ever since we started talking about a baby i've been awful. He told me people do it on there own all the time. Implying i could go to a sperm bank. I want a child with him not someone else i've never met. After all this fighting how do you know when enough is enough? All i want is to feel loved and know i have someone who cares about me as much as i care about them. Its hard because i left school a year early and lost a lot of my friends when i did. Iâm 19 and i donât have friends or a family. I say that to my boyfriend and he tells me my family is yours. But there not i know heâs being nice but i want a family thatâs mine not one that is mine by association. Lately Iâm not sure what to do or how to act. I try to say how i feel and that just makes a bigger fight. I donât want to get to the point where we hate each other and never want to talk again. That would kill me inside. Iâm not one to believe in love at first sigh but the first time we kissed i knew it, i didnât want anyone else. 20 yrs later and i want to tell my family they lost 20yrs to get to know me what i have become. In spite of all the bad i have done there are some things to be proud of that no one was there for. Like when i got my MRT, EMT, firefighter, graduated and was the class speaker, was in sports, prom, college. Well.. thatâs my life in a nut shell.