Can you earn trust?

first of all..not everyone cheats at one point or another...I believe thats one of the absolute worst things you can do to someone who believes you're together...so...i see how both of you have trust issues being the fact that you both cheated and you were both cheated on...you're just going to have to trust each other and get over it..yes trust can be earned...through time...but it is easily broken...I have always told my boyfriend..i'd be crushed if things weren't working with us and we didn't work out..but be honest with me..sit me down and tell me...dont cheat on me..thats just low to me...and it really does cause trust issues in future relationships...he has been cheated on so i would like to think he knows how it feels and wouldn't do it to me....anyway..you cannot MAKE him trust you...it has to be earned...honest is the best policy..i always say never lie..no matter how small of a lie it is...my boyfriend i think is finally figuring that out..bc I ALWAYS find out the truth...and if you're hiding it..then its a bigger deal to me than if you had just come out and been straight forward with me...because if it "isn't a big deal" as he sometimes said..why would you hide it? this is going to be something you guys have to work through together...and if its meant to be then it'll work out

i agree with worrywart01 completly, not everyone cheats, and it isnt going to be easy for him to get over that. especially if a guy you were dating for 4 years works with you. its going to take time to get through to him and its not going to be easy with your past in the way. goodluck.

I still believe that everyone cheats at least once in their life. I agree with worrywart01 it is one of the worst things you could do to someone, I think thats why a lot of people can't admit it. I could be wrong but from things I have gone through and things my friends have gone through I think 99% of men cheat. I think that if you find one who doesn't you better hold on to him FOREVER. With my situation though he can admit I haven't done anything to make him not trust me its just things that have happened to him in the past. (Which I guess is the same as me saying I think most men cheat) I know working with my ex is a HUGE problem because it would also be for me but I am looking for another job. My question is though if its nothing I have done how do you fix it? Will I ever earn his trust? I do everything possible he always knows where I am, I always answer the phone, he can come to my job and see me whenever he wants, I spend most of my spare time with him... what else can I do? Him and I met in a very wierd way. If I would have been there 2 seconds later I never would have met him. We hit it off from day 1 and I think there was a reason I met him. We both have a fear of being cheated on (which we would both have even in other relationships) and we both swear we haven't cheated and won't... he has gained my trust but I can't get his... they say that trust is the base of a relationship... we have a very strong relationship and I can talk to him about anything... he says he believes we have a future together but we need to work on our issues... TRUST

CORRECTON- I said we both have a fear of being cheated on (which we would both have even in other relationships) When I say that I mean we both have the same fear even when we were with other people its not just when we are together.

again...not everyone cheats..some people do have morals you know...I have NEVER cheated nor will I EVER cheat on a guy that I'm with..because the thing is..i dont waste my time on someone i dont think i'll be with...any guy I've dated at one point or another I saw a future with...and i'm not going to do that to someone I care about and love...ever...if things aren't working out I'm certainly not going to sneak around and have them find out that way..no way..thats completely disrespectful and unacceptable...there are guys out there believe it or not that dont cheat...not every man cheats...you just have to find one thats honest and respectable and has the same morals as you...they're out there..sometimes you just have to kiss alot of frogs to find your prince...as for your situation..you can't fix whats not broken...if theres nothing YOU have done to compromise the relationship then its up to HIM to learn to trust you..theres nothing else you can do period..its something he'll just have to learn to get over...and i ALWAYS say..there is NO relationship without trust...if you're constantly worrying about where this person is or what they're doing or who they're with..what kind of relationship is that? seriously? is it worth the time? Do you really want to be with someone for the REST OF YOUR LIFE that you have to keep tabs on every single minute of the day? man...that'd wear me out.....sit him down..talk to him, have this conversation and move on...period...he cannot keep flipping out like this because that is not a relationship...like i said..sit him down..no distractions..talk about this..get things sorted out..and tell him not to bring it up again...if you've done nothing to mess up the relationship then all the worrying is for nothing...

worrywart01 & bottledwater are correct....not everyone cheats. I for one have never cheated nor have I ever had the desire to do so and my husband has never cheated on me. We're best friends...so we have decided to keep each other

Also if a person cheats on their spouse / boyfriend and then ends dating or marrying the person that they were cheating with...how could you trust that person?

How does one earn trust? If you don't think you could ever trust or think that he / she could cheat (history of this sort of activity)...then don't get give anymore time to that relationship. Move on.

Trust should be already be there when you meet, not to be earned...that's my opinion.

To me it is simple...either you trust or you don't and if the trust is broken, move on (depends on what trust was broken...was it a lie that you were hanging out with the boys and not at your moms...or were you having sex with someone else).

Lay out the rules and expectations and consequences and if that trust is broken then do what you said you would do.

Life is too short to worry about if someone is cheating and wondering if you have caught an STD or wait for his child to show up on the doorstep one day, etc...

~Zig

agreed with zig....I NEVER understood that sort of thing..like if someone cheats on their girlfriend with another girl..and they end up together...how in the world is that supposed to work? I would never be able to trust that man ever...i would never be "that girl" either

Here's the thing I didn't cheat in this relationship.

Sorry everyone didn't mean to post that... Here's the thing I didn't cheat in this relationship. I cheated in a past relationship and it was wrong I can admit that. A lot of people have cheated and can't admit it. Its not that I don't have morals its that I was young and dumb. I would NEVER do it again. If I felt the need to cheat I wouldn't be with him. I dont question what he does because I honestly dont think he would cheat, but in the beginning I wondered at times. I don't think he thinks different of me because I could have lied and said I have never cheated and he would have never known. He can admit to me that the trust issues go way back to when he was younger and he got stuck in a bad situation. It's nothing that I have done and most of the time he doesn't question what I am doing even though I know he is thinking about it. We have sat down and talked about it. Acutally the night before I posted the question we talked about it for almost 2 hours. He told me it's nothing I have done that he just doesn't trust women in general. He told me there is nothing that I can do to get him to trust me its something he has to find on his own. I agree I don't get why you would cheat with someone you know is in a relationship and then turn around and get into a relationship with them... I DIDN'T DO THAT. I have to say though it may just be the area I live in but I manage 2 dry cleaners right now and we have 4 females working here and we have married men come in on a DAILY basis and try to hook up with us. Maybe thats why I feel the way I do. Also, a lot of those men there wives also come in. Another thing my trust issues come from this... the guy I work with still that I dated for 4 years, all through high school, cheated on me with another girl that worked here. I had a feeling something was going on and would question him and he would deny it. I found out because there was 3 people working one sat evening... him, the girl he cheated with, and my best friend. After work my best friend came to me and had pics on her phone of the girl sitting on his lap, laying on him, and video of them chasing each other around the store. I confronted him he lied and told me my best friend was trying to break us up. I showed him the pics and that was it. Another guy I dated I found out after we broke up, he was married. I had no idea I went to his house all the time, I later found out his wife was from another country and had gone home to visit her family for awhile. The way I found out about that is she got his cell phone records and found my number and called me. She was very nice and understanding and told me she's not mad at me because I had no idea. She also told me she found 2 other girls besides me. Point being I have been hurt by it and wouldn't EVER do it. I have a hard time trusting people now I'm sorry... but I do trust him he has given me no reason not to and I hope I will get to a point were he trusts me also but I have no control over that I haven't given him a reason not to it just comes from his past situation. I don't want to give up because he is an amazing person and a really good person. We have a good relationship and I praying that one day I will gain his trust but who knows. I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas on speeding it up lol... thanks

there is no speeding it up..we've all give you advice..there is no solution that will magically make him trust you...there isn't..and you cant speed up trust...it has to be gained through time and if you cannot learn to trust each other(despite your past relationships) then the relationship WILL NOT work out...PERIOD..so as I said..sit him down..talk about this issue ONCE and tell him not to bring it up again...because it will continue to cause problems and the relationship will fail...no trust..no relationship..that goes for ANY relationship...sort it out..and move on