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Can't stop hitting myself (Page 1)

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i have a very big problem, i harm myself, ill hit my head over and over and ill cut myself sometimes. and i no i have anger problems and i that i have a very big problem with this. it all started when i was about 12 or 13 i lost my mother and got very depressed, around 14 or 15 i started not to really care for anything, i cared for my friends, i cared for my family. but i didnt care about my self, i would go out and get drunk or do drugs and have horrible things happen to me. when at home at times, i got really mad or drunk i would sock holes in the walls, break things, and felt like dying. around 18 or 19 i started hitting myself in the head over and over when i got mad. or often when id fight with my partner. now i am 21 going on 22, just last night my girlfriend got a little mad at me because i asked her for a beer and she doesnt like me to drink so right away i knew that was stupid of me to even ask. so she got mad and went to the bathroom, i sat there feeling so stupid and started to hit myself in the head. then it turned into this crazy argument because i freaked out and hit myself, and she kept asking me to stop but i couldnt i just kept hitting myself crying. all i no is that she doesnt deserve this and neither do i, i want to stop so bad i need help and i dont wanna lose her she is my world i love her so much. shes not gonna put up with for much longer and i dont blame her i wouldnt want to see the person i love hurting themselves it would hurt me so bad. please give me some good advice im desprite for help. what do i do? im scared of what im doing to myself and how it will effect me aswell.
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First Helper feelings123
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replied March 16th, 2010
That is a rather traumatizing life i am very sorry. you hit yourself to discipline yourself. This is a serious condition that does need treatment from a therapist. Your best bet is to talk to a doctor about scheduling an appointment with a therapist. You are not the only one with this problem. There are people who can help u
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replied March 16th, 2010
try to not worry instead when u feel angry, grab a towel or invest in some anger balls and take ur frustration out on them. With a towel ring it and squeese it, untill all ur anger comes out, i used to have the same problem, remember there is no need to get angry at urself, life is what u make it and ONLY YOU can make this better. The first step would be to try and control ur anger, talk about ur feelings with ur girlfriend and arrange to see a counseller. plz dont give up. u can get through this!
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replied March 31st, 2010
tonick, i cannot sympathize with you more on the 2nd part of your post about getting into the fight with your girlfriend. the SAME EXACT things happen to me when me and my gf argue, i begin to feel stupid for my actions and cannot help but hit myself.

unfortunately there were a few times where i just snapped and began hitting myself infront of my gf and she gets really scared when it happens, but i cant help myself. i just cannot even begin to tell you how much i understand how you feel. i only hit my head and body though, i dont cut myself. but its gotten progressively worse to the point that now i get constant headaches with bumps all over my head and soreness.

one way that im trying to cope with my feelings is just to stop and breathe. realize what will happen if you hit yourself, you'll regret doing it.

nonetheless im on the same page as you bro, hopefully my input helps a bit.
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replied April 1st, 2010
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Hey tonick and 1after909, wow--it is hard enough being in a relationship then have this added pain in dealing with anger..I am sorry you both are going through this..

I am not a therapist, doc or anything like that--I am someone who knows allot about pain and injury..

You both need to talk with a good therapist one on one..What concerns me as well is the internal injuries you (could) very well be inflicting upon yourself..Head injuries can lead to deeper complications. Headaches from hitting is a big concern..You both need to see a doctor for tests to make sure there hasn''t been any physical or internal injury..Think about your poor brain it is fragil--bouncing it around will not help any at all..Plus talking with a doctor would be good in getting these feelings out..You made need some form of medication..There could be a number of things going on gentically or due to injury causing you to revert back to the hitting self..Either way would be good to get an answer to why..Once you have the why you can move forward to deal with it..

You both have sooooo much energy that you need different outlets..Have you ever thought about getting one of those medicine balls I think it''''s called-used for boxing..you can hit that until you are blue and other than boxing gloves (yes) boxing gloves hitting the ball there should be no other injury..You need to be aggressive in taking care of this problem you both are having..There are other hard forms of exercise, running, biking, kick boxing, swimming..Main this is doing something other than physically hurting self or anyone else..

Be honest with your girlfriends and let them know you want help..There is a song out about (stand by me) either they will or won''''t but you need to stand for you..k
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replied September 7th, 2010
I hit myself also!
I'm actually a girl. I hit myself also. I am 27 and have been hitting myslef for 6 years. It has only really gotten more freaquent in the last 3. I hate myself for it... Sorry I don't have any good advice for you except talk about it with your friends and family. If they know at least you don't have to carry the shame by yourself. I don't feel so alone when I know someone else knows. That way when it does happen (because that feelings eventually always comes back) you have someone to call before hand or afterward. Also, this isn't much better, but back in Jan. I started smacking myself across the face repeatedly instead of banging my head into the wall or punching myself in the head. It seems to have somewhat of the same effect without the big knot you your head for days. Also, I have tried the super aggressive work outs, that helps a bit, but YOGA has helped me the most. It hasn't fixed me, but it has definalty help me not get to that "flip out" feeling as quickly as I would If i did not practice.

My last boyfriend used to feel bad for me an hug me when I freaked. I never did it in front of him, but told him later on because I would be hystrical and cry and feel bad about it for hours afterwards. My new boyfriend has threatened to get out of the car or walk away from me when I have hit myself in front of him. Try to talk too your girldfriend.... I definalty preferred the hug and the words that everything would be ok, even if I didn't believe or appriciate them.

Does anyone else get the feeling & want to hit themselves over a ton of small insignificant stuff? I mean like being late, or not returning school books on time, or standing in a really long slow line in walmart? Its never ust one of those things, but a combination or just because I get so upset with myself. Please someone else that has this problem let me know. I really want to understand...

Thanks!
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replied September 7th, 2010
wow feelings123, i respect u very much for even being able to utilize methods to control yourself. i hope it gets better.

as for me i just dont understand why (like u said) i would get so angry with myself over a ton of insignificant stuff. what hurts me even more is how i promised my gf that i would not hit myself anymore...but for about a year ive been hitting myself away from her. sometimes when we argue at her house, i would not flip out in front of her, i would wait a few min. and go to the bathroom and start bashing myself. i just want to understand
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replied September 11th, 2010
Did you ever think it may be your girlfriend that is cuasing you to flip out???? I ment to right this the other day, but... I was busy and at work. But now I figured I must write it now because I just finishjed hitting myself until I saw white flashes. I'm not sure how much damage that means I caused. I am angry at myself for letting my boyfriend hurt me (not physically) but mentally. I know I can prevent it but I don't because the only way to prevent it is leave him. Or i could start a fight but what good would that be. Then I would just be acting like you know what. I really don't know what your situation is.... but your the only one who replied to my post and everyone else i know just thinks I'm crazy. He doesn't even know i just hit myself because i went outside and he didnt' even notice. Then I hit myhself right in front of him and he was too screw up to even notice except for the slapping noice he heard and jogged him awake for like 30 sec. I know there our other things that set me off... Like long lines or ignorant people... I have no patience for that stuff. Does that mean I have an anger problem?
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replied September 13th, 2010
well sometimes i do feel like my gf is the cause of me flipping out. for example, ive never hit myself before i was with her. and also, she is always the one who starts the arguments over the insignificant things which causes me not to be mad, but sad, and this sadness turns into anger towards myself. I guess im just too nice of a guy, ive been told by numerous people that i am too nice. i sometimes feel like my gf takes advantage of my kindness, she knows i wont be mad at her no matter how mad she gets at me. in the end, i just cant put myself to blame my gf for my actions. i know sometimes i shouldnt take what she says to me so personally but when you care and love someone so much, how can it not affect you right?

white flashes? that doesn't sound good at all. i dont know your situation either, but im sorry that your bf was too messed up to notice you hitting yourself. sometimes that is the only thing that can stop someone from doing it, is having your partner comfort you and telling you that its ok. but sadly neither of us has that because we choose to abuse ourselves away from our partner's view. i dont think u have an anger problem, things like that get to almost everyone.
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replied September 13th, 2010
1After909 - Thanks for responding. It’s nice to know someone else out their feels like I do. I actually gave my self a black eye. It’s the first time that has ever happened. I put it as the screen savor on my phone as a constant reminder of what I can do. Hopefully next time the picture will deter me from hitting myself.

Maybe your girlfriend is taking advantage of your niceness and knows she can get away with starting useless fights with you. I can see why that would make you sad and then angry. You hate yourself for letting it happen so you get angry with yourself because as I always feel, “no can do anything to you or make you feel a certain way unless you let them”. I know that statement is absurd and completely not true, but it’s how I feel and I bet you do too. I also blame myself for my boyfriend’s actions. I feel like it’s my fault he does this to him self & that I should speak up more, but I don't want to start a fight be angry at him. Then I just end up getting mad at myself for letting it go on and I hyperventilate and freak out.

The next morning I told my boyfriend that seeing him so wasted is too detrimental to my health and showed him the black eye. I also told him the next time he is so wasted he is nodding out standing up that I am leaving his house immediately and to not be mad when he finally comes out of it and realizes that I’m not there. He didn't have any response but, “Ok” with a half smile like I’m being ridiculous. I know I am in an unhealthy relationship and that I should leave, but like you said... I love him very much and would desperately miss him. I am going to try and find a psychologist to help me. I am afraid and don't know where else to turn.

For both u and I... we are the only one's that have the power to change our situations. I always try and remember know matter how much you love someone it doesn't mean you are right for each other. Its just a matter of whether you can get the nerve to do it. Good luck!
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replied September 14th, 2010
yeah its a nice feeling knowing someone else out there shares your pain and emotions. speaking of black eyes, a couple of months back i was hitting myself in the face and somehow i bruised my right eye lid. it was very weird because none of the surrounding areas in my face were harmed, just the eye lid.

anywho, yeah ive though about that too, maybe my gf is taking advantage of me. but i am not the person to put the blame on someone else, especially if that person is my significant other. its true, i do hate myself for letting things get out of hand. usually after i hit myself i begin to cry, wondering why did i just do that. wondering why do i put myself through such things, knowing that its bad for me to harm myself. i do agree with your quote, but unlike you, i blame myself for everything. because in the end I AM the one that CHOOSES to let these feelings get to me. this just makes the most sense to me. also, im slowly starting to learn just to take it and stay quiet while my gf gets mad at me. most of the time its my fault for causing her to get mad. and most of the time i just sit there quietly, trying not to cry while my gf puts me down and lectures me like a child. maybe im just too sensitive, she tells me not to take things so personal but when its someone you love and care about telling you mean things, how can u not take it personal right?

im glad your seeking help, i should really do the same. unfortunately, your last saying is very true, but its just so hard to accept it u know?

please keep me posted on how you are doing!
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replied September 14th, 2010
1After909 - Ya know that the exact spot I have my black eye. Luckily I'm a girl and can cover it with dark blue and gray eye shadow.

It would be completely crazy and preposterous to think the mean things she says (or lectures about) wouldn't hurt you. Imagine if you said the same things to her. Image your roles were reversed don't you think she would feel pretty sad/ angry if you said those things to her. Also, unlike her you would feel bad for causing someone you car about to feel that way.

I have always wished I could turn all my emotions off so I wouldn't have to feel them & experience pain, anger and sadness. But without those emotions we would not have happiness, pleasure or laughter.

It has taken me a lot of years to realize that it is ok to be human. It’s ok for you to be human also. I'm not telling you to put blame on her, but you’re not a machine. There are only so many negative things you can hear or take before it hurts. I don't care who you are... It is bound to make you feel bad eventually. You can't just turn your emotions off. Us, humans, aren't built that way. We can try, but it seems to just make it worse because when they finally do emerge its in a huge force that can't be stopped by any normal logical reason. Then you do (at least I do) something drastic.

If you are sensitive (which is totally ok) then she should realize that when she criticizes you that it hurts you and she needs to go about criticizing you and making here feeling known a different way. Maybe she can write it down and you can both discuss it when she is not so worked up and angry.

One last thing, maybe it is your fault she gets mad, or maybe she is just being to picky. There has to be away for you both to compromise, especially if you guys love each other. Relationships are a 2 way street. If both people aren't working just as hard and comprising then its not really even or fair is it?

Yes I will keep you updated. You do the same. I glag to know your out there. I am actually gong to an event on Thursday with my dad & boyfriend and I just hope and pray he doesn’t take too many pills and ruin the night. I’ve got my fingers crossed.

Good luck.
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Users who thank feelings123 for this post: 1After909 

replied July 17th, 2011
Hey Feelings123, i know its been a while. How are you doin nowadays?

ive been busy for nearly the past year trying to go back to school to further my education. (long story short, i graduated w/ a BA in TV & Film Studies, decided to take a different route and get a MA in psychology) I've been really busy taking pre-requisite courses so i can qualify to apply for an MA in psychology program.

But in a nutshell, its been quite a roller coaster for me. I've had my highs and lows with self injury in dealing w/ my gf. we are still together and i still love her very much, but things just doesnt seem to get better. I've gone weeks w/o hitting myself, doing a good job to calm myself down w/o hitting, but then there are these times where i get overwhelmed by our arguments and i start bashing myself Sad. at least i dont hit my head anymore...instead ive resorted to punching myself in the body. Sad

but anyways, i hope your doing better than i am. let me know how you are doin, either here or in PM!
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replied October 31st, 2010
I have banged my head against walls as a kid as a way of coping with mental and physical abuse from my mother.

I tried to strangle myself in my preteens, but didn't follow through.

Later I tried to take pills.

I cut myself a couple of times in my teens, but mostly I used binging and purging to self harm.

In extreme times, I would break things, like umbrellas or baseball bats against trees, walls, pavements.

Or I would put my fist through walls.

I also punch myself in the face or head (temple or jaw usually) when I am extremely upset/angry/stressed.

When I am really stressed and feel I can't go on, I obsess about suicide. Strangulation, hanging, cutting my throat, or my belly (harikari), slitting my wrists (the permanent way, not the cry for help way) and I have come close to all of them but not followed through.

I keep going back for more therapy. It helps get through a rough episode but the depression/desperation comes back.

I'm a grown woman and should know better, but it's a coping mechanism I've carried with me through the years. I've never told anybody about it. I am now.

They say people who self harm do it for relief from painful emotions.

I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as I find it so hard to manage my emotions and moods and impulses and find it hard to hold down jobs or relationships.

It's pretty crippling.

There is help though. See a therapist that specialises in post traumatic stress disorder. You don't harm yourself unless you've experienced trauma, usually as a young kid.

It's really more common than you think.
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replied October 31st, 2010
hitting myself, punching myself, anger, self hatred
1After909 - I hope you are doing well.

sub2er0 - It's interesting that you just posted this. I am glad you are finally telling someone, even if we all are nameless, faceless strangers through the internet. If you ever have stress, etc. post it here. We are all going through the same thing and this is truly a place that someone else will finally understand what you feel like.

I curious about this childhood stress thing. I know my childhood was messed up, but I know there are others out there that have had it way worse then me.

When I am really stressed and feel I can't go on I imagine driving really fast into a concrete wall or throwing myself off a really tall building. I imagine what it would feel like to hit the hard concrete and just finally feel nothing! Then I wonder how it is going to feel to die. It doesn�t scare me at all and I welcome the day when I am finally free. However I will never commit suicide no matter what. My mom and family, no matter how crazy they are, would be soooo upset.

Maybe there is someone in your life worth not dieing for, at least not yet. Even if it is just a cat or dog or something. I think suicide is selfish. I also think its ok to think about it, and picture it, as long as you really don't do it.

I haven't hit myself since Sep. 11. I have been doing a very good job at breathing through the desire to hurt myself in some way. It is such an uncontrollable urge that it is hard not too. Anyways I had said it is interesting you just posted this because I just hit myself again. I hope I didn't leave any bruising on the side of my eye like last time. I hit myself over the stupidest most illogical reasons.

I literally just realized I left my sunpass in the rental car I had. I dropped the rental off at the airport rental facility so I really hope I can get it back. To me this is logical that it is not that big of a deal, but it does not feel that way. I become so angry because I feel like I am a stupid, moronic, (fill in a long string of various curse words here), etc. I just become sooooo angry. I feel like if I were just smarter I would not keep forgetting stuff. Also, yesterday when I returned the rental I forgot to put gas in it. I almost flipped out right there, but the rental guy and my mom were there so I just cried instead. My mom says I am just super stressed and I expect too much of myself. But....I don't think so. I know I am really stressed right now and tired all the time, but I just don't have time for that right now so my body and mind will just have suck it up and deal until I have time to deal with it.

Anyways¦ write back if you want even if it is just to vent. Also good luck.
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replied March 13th, 2011
I also need help
Well, instead of hitting myself, I bite my arms hard enough to leave bruises when I am really upset and stressed. I tried hitting myself, but being the girl I am, I could never get enough force to feel it was... effective. If I am really stressed, I pull out my hair or chew my fingernails.
I hate myself for doing this, and I know I have a huge problem. I really need help, but I don't want to seek it for fear of judgement. I know that my parents would think that I was BS-ing them, so I can't do anything there.
I also noticed that if my boyfriend really embarrasses me in public, I hit him too, and he told me last night that I need to stop. And I really have strong feelings for this guy and I don't know how to stop. I hate myself, and he doesn't deserve it at all.
I have not a clue in the world how this even transpired. I have been reading self-help artivles all day, and I am really going to try to fix my unnacceptable behavior. I am tired of feeling so aweful about this crapola that I keep continueing, so I am going to stop, inhale, count to 16, and exhale whenever I feel the urge to do any of this. I hope it works.

If not, I'll find another method, and keep trying my best to stop.
I know I am a terrible person, no need to remind me. I just need help, and I think this forum here has really just changed my goals, and my perspective on what I am doing.

It's the little things in life that really affect you, so I hope this will remind me of my need for change.
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replied March 14th, 2011
I hope this helps a lttle bit!
Gurllyz - I have also bit myself before and regretted it very much. I wish I had some answers for you and myself as well as everyone else on this site. I've never hit anyone else so I don't know what that is like, but as for hitting myself, I try to tell my boyfriend after the fact. It helps to know that I am still loved even though I feel like I am crazy. You should talk to this guy about what you feel like inside and what makes you hit. If he really like you he'll stick aroud. The whole couting to 16 and exhaling thing works ok, but sometimes I do all that and then hit myself anyway. - Well I hope this helps even if it is to remind yout that there are others out there.
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replied April 11th, 2011
It's interesting that you just posted this. It would be completely crazy and preposterous to think the mean things she says wouldn't hurt you. Imagine if you said the same things to her. Image your roles were reversed don't you think she would feel pretty sad/ angry if you said those things to her. If you are sensitive then she should realize that when she criticizes you that it hurts you and she needs to go about criticizing you and making here feeling known a different way. Maybe she can write it down and you can both discuss it when she is not so worked up and angry. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as I find it so hard to manage my emotions and moods and impulses and find it hard to hold down jobs or relationships.
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replied June 29th, 2011
Self Harm
Hi, um my name is kara and well i'm experiencing self harm. I'm only 12 years old. I punch myself in the temple as hard as i can with my fist... It makes me have a headache. I've had a lot of depression in my life. My mom cheated on my dad a couple years ago. I lost my brothers not even a year apart. I was mulested by my cousin and I've had OCD. Before. I've been to counciling before and i believe my OCD is coming back. I hit myself when i'm upset and hope for relief idk what to do anymore. i stay up all night endlessly crying and hitting myself. My parents have no idea at all. They think i'm happy go lucky... They dont understand. My dad had Ocd. obsessive cleaning disorder. I had to tap things a certain amount of times and wash my hands constantly and repeat my prayers over and over (still do that) Idk... i'm scared. Help plz
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replied June 29th, 2011
You need to see a counseler or therapist. Do you have 1 at school that you can talk too? If not try telling your parents you need to see someone. If you don't feel comfortable telling them why, tell them that you don't feel comfortable becasue they are so close to you and will let them know whats going on once you have had a few sessions with the therapist. Let me know what happens.
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replied July 17th, 2011
Extremely eHealthy
wow, there r certainly a lot of people who can relate and that is not good;
if access to dr is available then write down these thoughts and problems and let them try to help
FIRST and FOREMOST eat right; if you put garbage into your body and u r already at risk; then u only make things worse
so SIMPLE THINGS that u can do is drink tap water and not soda
eat baked food and not fried or deep fried
leave the snack food to others
get a reasonable amount of exercise
talk to those who r older and wiser (after all if u r 14 yrs old r u going to ask 10 yr old for advice)
NEVER BEFORE IN MAN'S HISTORY has so much knowledge been so freely available to so many SO USE IT
meditation, yoga etc can help
good luck
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replied July 17th, 2011
Wow ohcalcuta. We appriciate the advice, but that sounds like an attack. I am very healthy. I eat right, I rarely drink alcohol, maybe wine at christmas, I exercise and swim 2-4 times per week & I also do yoga and meditate almost daily. Unless you are like us, you really wouldn't understand. And i guarentee eating right is a start, but it will not simply "fix" us. It is not like we want to do the things we do.... we just loose it and it kinda of happens. To everyone else on this forum. I slapped my self today in the car because the rental truck I was supposed to be picking up was rented out before I got there. My boyfriend was moving a bed, I was supposed to get the rental truck, but we was unorganized and had no idea if the boxspring would fit in the truck. We drove to measure the thing, then when I came back for it had been rented. I totally flipped and cryed in the car for 10 min and slapped myself. No injuries this time.

Ohcalcuta - this is obviously not how I wanted my day to go. I was so angry I was yelling at my boyfried when I got back and told him there was no truck to rent. Then is started raining and we couldn't even rent an pick up from another HOme Depot. Now he's mad at me... because i have been so awful all day. Anyway.... don't attack what yoiu dont' understand.
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