Everyday i live is like the same day over and over. i get up, tend to the baby (20 months) see partner off to work and do nothing for 8 hours till he comes home. Baby cries all day for daddy, never wants me. i'm 18 and have not once gone out in my entire life. my whole life is filled with hate and mis-trust. i can't cope anymore. i was fine being a mum until i moved. now i'm so far away from everyone it's impossible to see them. i never get out, i never see people. the only thing i do all day is sit and cry and sort out a baby who doesn't want me. i love her but hate her. i love my partner but hate him. he thinks he has the hard job cos he goes to work, but at least he has the chance to go out. When we do have enough money for me to go out (town etc) i can't bring myself to leave. i'm scared of the world i see through adult eyes, scared of what the world will be like when my daughters older. i just want to be on my own, but not alone. i've been self harming since i was 11 (since i started my periods, was raped and had a back street abortion) only two other people know about this, my bf and the person who did it. i've never stopped, just had breaks in between. i haven't had a good day in months now and some thoughts are coming to my head that i don't want there. i'm hearing things, and seeing them. i feel like my sanity is just flowing away and i'm too scared to see anyone in case they take her off me. when i have been before they tell me i don't 'look' depressed and then suggest seeing a counsellor, something i have done every month since my dad died (9 years ago), every time i see one i get worse, i can't afford to get any worse. i don't deserve to be a mother.
the last time i had a big break from it was when my mum found out about me cutting. she kept all sharp things away from me, i wasn't even allowed to sheve, which caused bullying in swim class, this along with many other things drove me to suicide. something that has since happened quite often, the first time it happened my mum found out and took me to hospital, i was more careful the other times and still failed.