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Can't stop cutting

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I've been a cutter since I was 10 years old. I'm now 31. I go through periods where everything is ok, and I don't want to cut or kill myself at all, and then I get stressed out and it's all I can think about. Lately it's gotten so bad it's like an aching physical need and none of the tools I learned in therapy are helping. I feel like I should be over this period in my life, like I'm too old to still be going through all this, and that makes me feel guilty and just want to hurt myself even more. Lately I've just had this vision of a bullet going through my brain. Rationally I don't want to kill myself, I like my life for the most part...I'm just so lonely here. Everybody always comes to me thinking that I'm this strong person who can handle anything, they don't know what I'm like on the inside, I can't burden them when they're already going through so much, which has turned into all my friends just dumping on me, and nobody ever bothers to ask how I'm doing. Some part of me still feels like that 10 year old who only knew one way to ease her pain, and I'm sick of it.
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replied April 15th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Unfortunately, "once a cutter, always a cutter". It is a part of you and something you will probably always struggle with. It does not make you any less of a person. You are very strong for trying to work through this for so many years. You need to get as much love and support from your friends/family as you can. It is great that you are going to therapy. Has your therapist talked to you about this; have you mentioned the methods don't seem to be working as well anymore? What methods specifically do you use? Maybe I can recommend some more after I know which ones you have already tried. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon. Take care of yourself.
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replied April 18th, 2008
Experienced User
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through all of this. I am a former cutter also. I haven't done it for a little over a year now, but the urge is still there sometimes. I understand. It's like it never reallly goes away. It's great t that you're going to thearpy, continue doing that. Maybe try telling the thearpist that the current methods aren't working, and see what he/she can do.
About the problem with your friends always unburdening on you: It seems that you maybe DO seem like you are always the strong one, therefore, people will think that everything is alright with you and you can help them with their problems. I do the same thing, but I have learned to stand up for myself and let some one know when I'm hurting. It may be hard to not be so strong at first, but if these people are your friends, they should be able to understand, reverse roles and listen to you.
Not everybody can be strong all the time. We need to be weak some times too. If you're holding all of this in, and trying to be super strong, it may make the urge to cut even greater. From a personal standpoint, it made me want to cut even more when I held everything in and didn't say how I felt inside.
I hope some of this helps, and I really hope that you are able to overcome this. You can PM me if you want.
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replied August 31st, 2008
i just started being a cutter at the age of 26
iam scared cause i have been so strong for so long
iam scaredto bother you
but i guess its not odd for us to do this
when were older
i only found this site in my treks to die
your an inspiration
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replied August 31st, 2008
Experienced User
peytonsawyer
I'm sorry that you have just started cutting. It's a hard thing to deal with and also very hard to stop. If you have been so strong for so long, then just believe that you can again! You've beat it this long right? Consider it a slip, everyone has them, and try to get back on track and no longer hurt YOURSELF.
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replied September 14th, 2008
Experienced User
Lets see here. I started out a burner then a cutter then both. My first whas when I was 14. A burn fron a lighter top on my left shoulder. Although physicaly it was painfull mentaly it was a great rush and stress reliever. I was a smoker at the time and one day took a cigarette to my right shoulder three times. Now it looks like a triangular scar. One day I was playing with a pocket knife got an urge and cut on my leg. Same feeling as from a burn. since then there where many other cuts and burns. Even words carved on various parts of my body. I have all the scars to show for it. I would pick the scabs to ensure a scar would be there. all the cuts and burns where in places where clothing would cover it. That is why I never wore shorts.

In my 20s I had urges every once and a while but never did it. My early 30s became stressfull and the urges built and the cutting and burning came back. I am now 36. Have not done either in over a year. Not to say it will never happen again because you never know.

While is anger management this topic somehow came up. The theripist asked my why I think I do such things? All I could come back with was "power". "The power to know I have full control over my body and can do with it what I please". We went on about it. "The mental pain from others problems, things in my life, the anxiety building up and the suicidal thoughts. The cuts and burns are a release from all that pain. Feeling the pain lets you know there is something more powerfull than what is in your head. Puts me in touch with reality". She quit going there after that and we moved on to another topic.

I don't know if you can relate to this but I have bipolar and ADD/ADHD. My ears ring all the time but that is another story. My bipolar gets stuck in lows. There I have suicidal and homicidal thoughts. Also the wishfull thinking of how I caould die by the hand of another or an accident.

That is my story (shortened version on this topic)
-Del
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replied June 25th, 2009
I started cutting when i was about 12,I'm now 16 and still struggling.Therpy did absolutly nothing for me, it kinda made it worse.I really want to end everything but i just can't. My boyfriend has been trying to help me but even with his help I still cut every so often. The few friends that know about my cutting tell me to look up methods online but most of them are stupid things that really do no good.The only useful one i have found is wearing a rubberband or two on your wrist.Everytime you feel an urge to cut snap yourself with the rubberband.It works pretty well for the most part but its not the same. If i forget to put them on and feel the need to cut,normally i do.
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replied July 30th, 2009
Supporter
Black Rose how are you doing honey? I wasn't able to get PM for awhile but I can again..are oyu ok? kd
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replied August 6th, 2009
i'm 13 and have been cutting for 2 years and i want to stop but i'm to afraid to tell someone and really want to talk about but i just can't i really need to talk to someone.
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replied August 6th, 2009
Supporter
Hannah honey-you can talk to me if you like..what's going on with you? kd
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replied August 6th, 2009
i sent you a pm kdlee and thank u for asking
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replied August 6th, 2009
Supporter
got it..lets stay with the PM to make it easier ok..k
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replied December 17th, 2009
hhh
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