I've been a cutter since I was 10 years
old. I'm now 31. I go through periods
where everything is ok, and I don't want
to cut or kill myself at all, and then I
get stressed out and it's all I can think
about. Lately it's gotten so bad it's like
an aching physical need and none of the
tools I learned in therapy are helping. I
feel like I should be over this period in
my life, like I'm too old to still be
going through all this, and that makes me
feel guilty and just want to hurt myself
even more. Lately I've just had this
vision of a bullet going through my brain.
Rationally I don't want to kill myself, I
like my life for the most part...I'm just
so lonely here. Everybody always comes to
me thinking that I'm this strong person
who can handle anything, they don't know
what I'm like on the inside, I can't
burden them when they're already going
through so much, which has turned into all
my friends just dumping on me, and nobody
ever bothers to ask how I'm doing. Some
part of me still feels like that 10 year
old who only knew one way to ease her
pain, and I'm sick of it.
|
PenguinsRus
Moderator
Joined: 05 Nov 2007 Posts: 1156 Location: New York, NY United States
Thanks: 27
Thanked:8
Posted: 04-15-08 10:03am
Unfortunately, "once a cutter, always a
cutter". It is a part of you and
something you will probably always
struggle with. It does not make you any
less of a person. You are very strong for
trying to work through this for so many
years. You need to get as much love and
support from your friends/family as you
can. It is great that you are going to
therapy. Has your therapist talked to you
about this; have you mentioned the methods
don't seem to be working as well anymore?
What methods specifically do you use?
Maybe I can recommend some more after I
know which ones you have already tried. I
hope you start to feel a bit better soon.
Take care of yourself.
|
lil_scorpio
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jan 2008 Posts: 34 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:11
Posted: 04-18-08 19:41pm
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going
through all of this. I am a former cutter
also. I haven't done it for a little over
a year now, but the urge is still there
sometimes. I understand. It's like it
never reallly goes away. It's great t that
you're going to thearpy, continue doing
that. Maybe try telling the thearpist that
the current methods aren't working, and
see what he/she can do.
About the problem with your friends
always unburdening on you: It seems that
you maybe DO seem like you are always the
strong one, therefore, people will think
that everything is alright with you and
you can help them with their problems. I
do the same thing, but I have learned to
stand up for myself and let some one know
when I'm hurting. It may be hard to not be
so strong at first, but if these people
are your friends, they should be able to
understand, reverse roles and listen to
you.
Not everybody can be strong all the
time. We need to be weak some times too.
If you're holding all of this in, and
trying to be super strong, it may make the
urge to cut even greater. From a personal
standpoint, it made me want to cut even
more when I held everything in and didn't
say how I felt inside.
I hope some of this helps, and I really
hope that you are able to overcome this.
You can PM me if you want.
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This page was last updated on June 11, 2008
