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Can't sleep when husband falls asleep first

Hi. So i'm 20 years old and i've been married for about 2 years now. I love my husband to death and honestly hate being away from him. But for some reason, when we go to bed at night, it's very hard for me to get to sleep in the first place. My mind races with thoughts and comes up with these "reasonings" to things that I can't understand or I hate.
Let me straighten this out - My husband cheated on me about a year and a half ago. He had a fullblown affair (sex as well as emotional attachment, dating and the like) while he was away for work for 6 months. It took a big hit on me because we were newly married and I waited the entire time for him to come home. Well that's in the past and we've been working on it. I've experienced alot of depression symptoms as well extreme mood swings since this has all happened. I still feel upset from time to time and think about things or ask questions to myself in my head about what he did with her, but I mostly can ignore it and move on during the day without it bothering me too much. But at night, it's not necessarily the thoughts of the affair that bother me. I've been taking it out on myself, blaming myself in a sense that I feel like I need to change to be more like everyone else. I also have been struggling with trying to get my husband to understand what I am going through. He understands in a general sense and we've gotten past most of things. But at night, if we've had a disagreement or he just doesn't seem to be close to me (as in cuddling or the such) I can't sleep. I feel like I'm fighting my mind to get to sleep. And my mind seems to take this as a que to start looking back at things and finding things wrong with myself and or how I can change things. There have been thoughts of divorce or just running away or sometimes suicide but I know for a fact that I don't want to do any of those things! I don't understand it! And my mind just feels like it's going a million miles a minute and by the time I catch up to those thoughts, I can't make any input, almost like those thoughts are set in stone in my mind. And I've told my husband about all this and he says he understands but when I seem to need him most (when we go to bed at night), he's not awake or he seems to get upset with me for waking him, or he'll wake up and listen but he doesn't really hear me or he just says "i'm sorry" and is back to sleep in seconds. I've tried talking to him during the day as well but he just tells me everything will work itself out, that i'll be fine and I just need more time. Basically, I've noticed that this all comes down to my just not wanting to be alone before I fall asleep, nor falling asleep with hard feelings. It sounds so simple to fix but it's like if I'm not in that "comfort zone" with my husband within a few minutes of being in bed, my mind takes that extremely fast downward spiral and tears my mental stability to shreds. I end up smoking and crying in my bathroom begging for my husband to wake up and just distract me from these thoughts.
All the words are right there but I can't seem to pick out what's wrong or what I need to do here. I know I should just clear my head like the doctors tell me to but I can't seem to do it. What's wrong with me? Anyone? Any input is greatly appreciated....
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First Helper whyamiawake
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replied October 4th, 2011
Let me start by saying i dont think i can help you, however i am currently lying awake in bed writing this with my husband snoring in my ear. Whilst reading your thread all i could think was i dont remember writing this. My husband cheated on me also about a month ago which is now 7 months into our marriage. We are working on it but every night in bed he is asleep instantly and im left usually sobbing myself to sleep or just another sleepless night. If you have found way to help this id be greatful. But hey if not at least your not alone. I am in the same boat as you and having exactly the same feelings. It sucks.
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replied July 28th, 2012
Amazing.
This is unbelievable. I feel like you're writing about my life right now. My husband cheated on me a few months ago. We've only been married for a little over a year...an affair, the whole nine yards. Things have gotten a lot better, but when it comes to how I feel at night when he goes to bed, WORD FOR WORD--what you've written is exactly what I'm dealing with. My mind races. I get emotional. I want to talk, but he literally falls asleep in 5 seconds...or if he wakes up, only has the ability to say "i'm sorry"...and he's back asleep before I finish my next sentence. Its some fear of loneliness, or abandonment, insecurities or wanting to feel connected...I guess? I dont know. After months of separation, we are finally back together and working on a true reconciliation. He says he committed to making this work, and I do believe him. But the nights...thoughts race...and then seeing them asleep next to you...this intense loneliness begins. And I'll want to push till exhaustion so we can end an argument...which really just escalates things. I cant stand going to bed angry. My anxiety goes sky high. But the fact that I found this post tonight is blowing my mind. Two posts about an affair, coupled with the sleeping issues. I'm so glad Im not alone. It makes me feel that maybe, since we are all in a very similar boat, are dealing with something that other women may be dealing with as well. Maybe there's hope. Please feel free to reply to me if you guys can get. I would love an update! - Alexis
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replied July 29th, 2012
9 months later. Still together. Happy. Still get paranoid about what he is going when I'm not there bite I am sleeping better. Mostly. Sometimes ill have a bad night if I let my thoughts run away. But the affair isn't the only thing on my mind any more. Hope this helps.

Whyamiawake
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