this may be long but it is worth reading.
well i've become really depressed after i lost my mother...she was my best friend , my mentor, just my overall everything. i miss her so much, i have my really, really bad days when i just can't stop thinking about her and asking god why did she have to get cancer, then i start blaming myself because i feel like i could have done more when i was a younger child. like small things, when she used to ask me to clean up, i've should have just done it but i know that couldn't have prevented her from getting cancer but i just feel like what if there was something i've could have done to make stop her from getting it. i didn't reaLLY GO OUT MUCH WITH FRIENDS BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER BE WITH MY mom. i would rather shop with my mom, alomost everything i wanted to do with her. i really enjoyed, loved her company.
after her passing, my father and i were just going at it. instead of us being understanding of each others grief, we just quarrelled about who's grieving more or who meant more to my mother. up until this point i stayed away from guys, i was trying to wait for one who i felt was right for me. but i was so depressed that i just took the first one who refused to let me go. i met him from online, we were talking online for a minute then on the phone. he made me laugh a lot i like guys with A sense of humor.then i met him finally and he wanted to have sex right away...i guess that should have been a sign but i was tired of being this "good" person, not having sex not going out too much or staying out late, because it didn't matter, i still lost the most important thing in life. so in the beginnning we were friends and i was still talking to my other guy friends and he kept asking me to leave them alone and just be with him. within about 2 to three weeks into the friendship/relationship he stopped wanting to use protection, then i finally gave in, dumb move on my part. i finally stopped talking to guys but everytime i stopped i found out he was still talking to someone or he still had feeelings for his ex. so we kept bickering and bickering but we were still trying to work things out. i got pregnant and had my baby in 07 he begged me to keep it, saying we were going to be a family. but i knew i wasn't quit ready. anyway once i had her he began talking to girls on my cell, on my computer. he was going to see women or girls i believe because i found things. but i kept putting up with all of this, just crying and begging him to stop. i felt like i couldn't leave i had his baby. i still feel that way. the biggest thing that happened was when he told me he cheated and got someone pregnant but he told me he was sorry and we were going to work this out too. but it changed he started telling me he loved her well both of us but he wanted to be with her. he kept telling me that i was nothing and that he wanted to take our daughter from me. while he was doing what he was doing with her, he was hardly getting anything for his daughter. but every couple of days he would drop in and tell me he was sorry and he loved me and i would take him back. i cried so much to him and sometimes he still wouldn't come for days. i found out he was living with her and she was living with him at some point. i also found out that she was just 15 now 16 yrs old.a little girl who he may be the father of her child to. and the sad part is i am still with him. after all of that, still with him. he was also calling her from my house phone. it was so much stuff. he would come to me selling like her scent to put it in a delicate manner. but i accepted it and its because i feel like i can't do any better than this. hes going back n forth to court family court and criminal court. he says he is changing he calls me while he is at work he takes care of his daughter again and he lives with me. he comes straight home after work almost all the time if he is not he calls tell me where he is and then calls me from that destination which may be his mothers house of work if he has to do overtime. but i still don't trust him and i can't stop thinking about this. if he did all of that to me, i feel like he just might do it again. then when i bring it up which is a lot because i haven't forgotten he says its getting old and what the man i was with when i finally tried to give up on him and move on with my life. i don't know what to do.
i need someone with some really good advice to help me. my relationship with my dad is not so good, neither is the one with my bf and i miss my mother so much and haven't been able to get through a day without crying for her for myself and what i have allowed to happen to me. all i have is my daughter but how can i help her to be positive and loving if i am not feeling that way myself. but i try my best, trying to enjoy every moment with her.